LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

Hawera Star, Volume LIII, 30 September 1933, Page 12

LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE

JOKES AND SHORT STORIES TOLD BY “THE JESTER.” A judge recently told a woman to speak just as if she were at home. Ihe case is still proceeding. Reverend Visitor; "And don’t you ever sav prayers before your meals, sunny?” Precocious Child: “Oh, no—Dad says our cook’s pretty reliable.” *• * * * * * Husband and wife served on the same jury in Maine; one way to prevent the verdict being unanimous. * * „ Tourist: ‘‘l must confess that I can’t see why so many people want to come here—no scenery, no amusements, absolutely no attractions!” Innkeeper: “Ah, signor, zey come because we ’ave ze gr-ran’ label to stick on ze luggage!” ■**••**-*■ A woman inquired of a negro porter the time of the train to Chicago. She then went to a. white man and aisked him. The porter went to the white man afterward and said, with a smile: “Perhans she will believe it now she has got it in black and wljitee.” **•**# “When the Queen of Sheba came and laid jewels and fine raimant before Solomon, what did he say?” asked the Sunda.v school teacher. “How much, d’you want Jifor the lot?” suggested the pawnbroker’s son. *** ■ » *

Henderson: You gave that cloakroom attendant a big tip, old boy. Johnson: Well, he gave me a good coat.

Rastus: Don’t let dem chickens out, Mi randy. Mirandy: Why not ? Won’t dey come home? Rastus: Deed dev won’t; dey’H go home. * * * * *

Exac-tiii" mistress; There’s one thing in your favour, the mats in the hall keep their positions. How do you manage it, Mary? Maid (under notice): Oh just chewing gum. * •* <* w

First kangaroo; And what has become of your daughter, Evangeline ? Second ditto: Good gracious! Somebody has picked my pocket.

Policeman : Why’re you stopping, man? You can’t park here. Driver: I’ve got a flat tyre. I ran over a bottle about a mile back.

Policeman: Couldn’t you see it and drive round it? Driver; No, the fool had it- in his hip pocket. ■*•»*»*

Vicar. 1 hear that your son is leaving us to seek his fortune, Mrs Maggies. I expect he will find it strange at first, for there they have night when we have day, and day when we have night. Mrs Miggles: Oh, lie’s used to sleeping in the daytime, vicar, he had a nightwatchman’s job for years. * * * ■" * *

An old iScots lady had sent for her gardener to cut the grass on her lawn. ‘ ‘ Cut it short, ’ ’ she said to him. “Mind, Donald, an inch at the bottom is worth two at the top.” The work was done, the good lady offered Donald a glass of whisky, and proceeded to pour it out, but showed signs of stopping before the top was reached. “Fill it up ma’am, fill it up,” said Donald; “an inch at the top is worth twa at the bottom.”

Boss: Please get out the balancesheet as soon as possible.” New Bookkeeper: Yes sir; do you want it in favour, or not?” * * » *

“This is a very nice collar, sir. Sevenpence, or two for a shilling.” “One will do, thanks. I’ll take the fivepenny one.’’ * -ft * « *

“The husband ought to have a voice in the furnishing of the home,” says a' woman writer. Quite —the invoice. *****

Leaving home for a week, she insisted on taking two trunks- four hatooxes, and three suitcases. “I wish we’d brought the piano,” said her husband, when they reached the station. “That’s not funny,” she replied frigidly. “I’m not trying to be funny,.” said he. “I left the tickets on it.”

Tommy went to an afternoon party with his mother. As they were about to leave the hostess pointdd to a large dish of sweets and told Tommy to help himself. The fellow hesitated, and so the hostess again asked him to take some. Still he hesitated, so she took a handful and gave them to the boy. When they reached home his mother asked Tommy why he had not helped himself when he had been asked. “Well, you see,” he replied, “her hand was a lot bigger than mine.”

“Good day, Mrs Brown. How is your husband this morning?” asked a country woman of another whose husband was ill.

“Well, I think he’s a bit better,” was the reply, “He sat up for an hour yesterday, and had a little appetite. He ate a couple of chops, a veal and ’am pie, two helpings of apple pudding, and a snack o’ cheese. I think by to-morrow he’ll be able to swallow something substantial.”