HOTCH-POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLVI, 7 August 1926, Page 18

HOTCH-POTCH

“Are you a .eliess player?” a'landlord asked a prospective tenant. “No, I am not a chess play-er,” was the reply. “I prefer chess players as tenants,” the landlord said, “because they- move so seldom and rarely without' great deliberation. ”,

“There:,is a great deal of excuse for the discontent of the farmers.” “I know there is,” answered Mr Corn-tos-sel. “Nearly everybody who makes a speech considers it his duty to keep US' from forgetting our troubles even for a little while.”

“I want some consecrated lye.” “You mean concentrated lye.” “It does nutmeg any difference. That’s why- I camphor. Wliat does it sulphur?” “Fifteen cents! I never cinnamon with so much wi.t.” “Well, ! should myrrh-myrrh. Tot I ammonia novice at it.”

A party of Americans were touring Scotland and lost their way. Presently they found themselves in the outskirts of a. good-sized city- Stopping their car tliev asked a boy- the name of the town. “I’ll tell ye if ye gie me saxpenee,” replied tre youth. “Diive on!” said! one American who was sitting 1 in the back sea.t to the man at the wheel. “This is Aberdeen.”

“To- what do you attribute your remarkable health ?’ ’ “Well,” replied the very old gentleman, “I reckon I got- a good start on most people by bein’ born beroie germs were discovered, thereby liavin less to worry about.”

Discerning child (who lias heard some remarks by- his father): Are you our new nurse? Nui-ise,: Yes, dear. Child: Well, then, I am one of those boys who can only- be managed by kindness, so you had better get some sponge cakes 1 and oranges* at once.

“You see tlia,t man with the high forehead and the sunken eyes?” i “Yes. Wliat is he?” “He’s ,an efficiency expert, ho told "me. ’ ’

“What on earth’s* tliat?f’ “The sort of man who* doesn’t en.jov a sea voyage because all the salt is going to waste.”

Little Mary- came home from Sundayschool. and, as usual, had t ai question to ask. “Mother,” she said, “did people go in swimming a lot in Bible times?” “Why do. y-ou ask?” her mother • inquired. “Because,” Maryexplained, “it said in our -Sundayschool le-sson that the Bible people died of divers diseases.”

“Look at that beautiful embroideryon her dress —it’s marvellous —at least sixty- years- old. ’ ’ “Did she do it herself?”

“I sold my- entire golfing outfit yes ter.day. ’ ’ “What did you realise?” “That I was* hopeless.” m

“Couldn’t you let tha.t slcirt down a little, Mary Louise*? It’s only- au inch below yo-ur garters.” “For heaven’s* sake, mother! Do y-ou want me to look Jike a monk?”

Constable: “Hey, there, come, out of that. There’s no swimming allowed •after 8 a.ni.”

Face in the.water: “You’ll p-pardon roe - dr owning. ”

Doctor: “Did you follow my advic-e and drink hot, water one hour before breakfast?”

His patient-: "I did my best, but I couldn’t keep it. up more than ten minutes, doctor."

"Well, of all'the. nerve." she said, as she slapped his face. "Don’t you ever try to kiss me .again, ’ ’ "AH right," he replied meekly, "if that’s the way you feel about it, get off my lap. ’ ’

Grandma, (looking up from paper): "It says here, that young women are abandoning all restriction. Mind, don’t let nve. catch you go in ’ out without yours, Ethel."

Mrs Jones l : "Does your husband object to cats?’’ Mrs Brown: "I should think lie does! He. says that I feed -all the. cats in the neighbourhood. . . . Won’t you stay to tea?’’ -

Wife: "It’s a shame, John, that I have to sit here mending your old clothes,." Husband: "Don’t say a word about it, dear. The least said the. soonest mended."

Mistress.: "The master was very happy this morning, Jane. He went off to the city whistling." Jane: "Yes, mum, it was my fault. I made his porridge of bird-seed.’

Manager: "I think Jones is worth a lot more'money than lie’s getting!’-’ Boss: "We want more like him, Perkins. ’ ’

Mrs Town: "Who -is tn.at woman you just bowed to?" ' Mrs Suburbs: "Oil, she’s my next door neighbour." Mrs T.: "But she didn’t return your bow." Mrs. S.: "No, she never returns anything."

The serious young man wrote to his prospective father-in-law: "I hope any recent appointment to the directorship of the museum of antiquities will induce you to entrust- your daughter to inv cure.”

Stranger: "In what direction docs the village lie,, my friend?" Villager: "Well, sir, it’s, likely to lie in a indirection that comes handy, but at this time of the year it’s mostly about the size of fish."

"I gave you/’ said, lie, "the best five years of my life." "Were those your best?" she asked in surprise.

"Why can’t you read that part of your shorthand notes?" "Don’t you remember? That’s where von tickled me.”

"What’s become of that fellow Smith who was known as the perfect driver?P

"He met. Jones, who was the ini per feet- one."

Correct, this sentence: "Mv daughter will soon ibe home from college," said the mother, "and she’ll be a great help around the house."

"Higgs, did not stay long when lie called on you at the office." "No; he wanted to borrow five dollars." "I see; just a- case of touch and go."

Mrs B. "Will you come to ‘43,’ doctor —my Willie’s got a temperature.” Doctor ("interested): "Is it very high?" Mrs l B.: "Only on the second floor, sir."