HOTCH-POTCH

Hawera Star, Volume XLV, 23 January 1926, Page 16

HOTCH-POTCH

In America a man and his wife weie sitting outside their house, when a funeral procession passed. The man was comfortably seated in a chair ti-tecl back towards the street, his feet on the sill of an open window. “I think that s the funeral of ol’ man Williams,” he remarked. “Reckon it’s the biggest seen in these parts for a while, am t it. Cat line ?” “A party good-sized one Bud,” his wire rephed. ‘‘l sure would like to see it,” said “Wliat a pity I ain’t facin’ that way!”

Daughter: “This piano is .really any verv own, isn’t it papa?” “les, my dear.” “And when I marry J can take it with me, can 1?” '‘Certainly,; inv child. But don’t tel] anyone; it might spoil your chances.”

Shoe shop assistant (having tried a variety .of brogues): How about a pair of Oxford shoes, sir? Clarence: Oh, .'or, no! I want them to lit.

The stranger was .asking a lot of questions concerning the village, and the oldest inhabitant was doing; his best, to .answer* them. ‘’And how about the water supply ? What precautions d<> vou take against infection?” “'Ved, first of all we bods it, zur.” •Good ‘‘An’ then we filters it. ,J Fine. “An* then, zur, \v e drinks beer!

At a certain church it is the custom for the clergyman to kiss the hride after the ceremony. A young woman who was about to h? married did not relish the prospect-, and instructed her prospective husband to tel; the clergyman that she did not wish him to kiss her The bridegroom obeyed. “Wol>, Harry,” said the young woman when he appeared, “did you tell the minister that 1 did not wish him to kiss me?” “Yes.” “And what did he say?” He said that in that case he would charge only half the usual fee.”

Scotch golfer: “Ae ye guid at find in’ ha’s?” Caddie: “Ay!” Golfer: “Then find me one noo, and we M l start.”

A schoolboy, asked to toll the story of Daniel and the lions, did so in this fashion: “Well, Daniel and the King got alcng pretty wed till one day the King he riot sore about something, and had b:s men chuck Daniel into a den of lions. After a day or two, the King he went ’round to see how Daniel was eefctm on. and h e stood up on the edge, and shouted down : “‘Oh. Daniel! How yer gettin

on ?” . “Daniei come and looked up, and lie snvs: . “ ‘Prettv fair; pretty fair. But say. King, this place is jest crawlin’ with lions!’ ” , ,„ r .. “ ‘Ts that so?’ says the Ring. AYe I. Daniel, all T c-an sav is that yer must have brought ’em in with verl’

“Stove, dear.” whisoered the tnrglar’s bride, as he start d on his cv*- 11ino.’s work, “try to be a little mere cuiet when von come in to night.” “GoH’nlv kid.” replied the fond husband. “Did I wake youse up las’ night?” “No, but you awakened mother. And'T don’t want her running up to the penitentiary and complnining to father that. T married an amateur.” “You have beautiful eyes,” wrote the voung lawyer, “and exquisite long lashes, and 1 love the way the aforesaid eyes peep out from under the aforesaid lashes.” Airs Smith had promised to give ner friend. Mrs Brown, a dog; but, before she could do so it died. She then v io'e this explanatory note:— “Dear Mrs Brown.—l wrote to let vou know that the dog 1 promised you is dead, and I hope these few lines wi'l find vou the same.”

The magistrate 'coked severely at the small, red-faced man who had been summoned before him. The. man returned his gaze without flinching. “So you kicked your landlord downstairs? said the magistrate. “Did you imagine that was within the rights of a tenant?” “I’ll bring me lease in and show it to you,” said the red-faced little man, growing sti 1 ! redder; “and vou’ll agree with me that anything they’ve forgotten to prohibit in that lease I had a right to do the very first chance I got!” Sailor (concluding fantastic narrative) : “An’ every word o’ that’s Gospel truth, sir, though it may take a h> t o’ swal'erin’. Have a pinch?” Visitor: “AVhat is it?” “Snuff, o’ course.”' “Oh. I thought it might have been salt!”

First Actor: 1 am hi a quandry. I have been offered an engagement by ; \ c managers, and I don’t know how (o act. . Second Actor: Well, don t worry. They’’l soon find out. An Englishman took an American to see “Hamlet.” “You. surely are behind the times,” commented the American. “Why I saw ‘Hamlet’ in New York four years ago.” Painter (to his model): Now you can. rest a hit while I paint in the background. Peasant Woman (bashfully): Ach! Then I suppose I shall have tu turn round ?