HOTCH-POTCH.

Hawera Star, Volume XLV, 2 May 1925, Page 12

HOTCH-POTCH.

•‘Whut do you think counts most in this world?” “Well, there’s the adding machine." Archie. —“See how i am run nr ter; all these ate invitations.” r riend.— “Good gracious. All invitations? Invitations to what?” Archie. — “To call and settle accounts.” Mistress. — “You say you worked for Van Twillers. Can von prove that?” New Maid. —“Well, mum, L can show you some spoons an’ things with tneir initials.” “Which do yop consider the most warlike nation doctor?” ■‘Oil, vacci-nation? It’s nearly always m arms?” “Are those oranges sweet?” asked the pretty little lady. “They ought to .ie by now, madarne,” answered the gallant old grocer. “You’ve been looking at them for some time.” Lady.—“ Are these eggs really new laid ?” , Shop Assistant. —“Yes, madam. If you will kindly step up to this telephone, which is laid on to our farm you will hear the hens that laid them still cackling.” Sharp Youngster—Can you tell me where all the pins go to? Another Sharp Youngster—Well, it’s hard to'say. You see. they’re pointed in one dilection and headed in another."

Book Agent (entering).—“Madame, I have a/work of art to show you. It is a book.” Lady of the House (reopening the door),— “And I have a work of art to show you. It is a landscape.” Doctor (after hard day’s work)— What’s the matter, with you, my man? I Patient (holding right leg)—Got a pain, doctor. “Where’s the pain?” “Right ’ere, doctor.” “Then why on earth are you holding your leg?” “I say, Bob,” asked an acquaintance, "Why did the foreman sack you’ yesterday?” “Well,” was the reply, “ a foreman is one who stands around and watches his gang work.” “ I know; but what's that got to do with it?” “Why, he got jealous of me! People thought I was the foreman!” “I’m sorry my engagements prevent my attending your charity concert, but I shall be with you in spirit.” “Splendid! And where would you like your spirit to sit? I have tickets for a half dollar, a dollar, and two dollars. Jenks (after an absence from home). —“And so you shot a burglar while alone and unprotected. What a brave little woman you are! But what became.,of him?” Airs. Jenks. — “Oh, the other burglar carried him off!” Jenks. —Which other burglar?” Mrs. Jenks. —“The one I aimed at!”

A bishop relates the following experience :—After the service one Sunday morning he was approached by an old lady who expressed great appreciation of his discourse.

“Why, bishop,” she said, “you cap never know what your' service meant to me. It was just like water to a drowing man.”

Clocks in Irish provincial hotels are not noted for their time-keeping qualities. They are kept more for ornament than use. A traveller went into the coffee-room of an Irish hotel. The maid-of-all-work was dusting the inantlepiece. Suddenly the clock began striking. The maid, with a look of surprise, turned, arid said, “There must be something wrong with the clock; it’s going.”

A college student greatly annoyed his professor by asking foolish questions.

one day, after he had interrupted the lecturer several tiriies with irrelevant remarks and questions, he asked “Professor, how long cari an animal live without brains?”

“Well,” was the professor’s reply, “I really don’t know, Mr. F. ~. How old are toii?”

An Irishman presented himself at a police court, and addressing the magistrate, said: —“Your Honour, the water pipe’s bursted in my cellar, and drowned all the cocks and hens. AVhat’ll I do?” The magistrate replied that he was sorry, and suggested that the applicant should sue the water company. “Shure, your Honour, I’ve been,” returned Pat, “and they said I was a fool to keep cocks and liens — I ought to have kept ducks.”

“I’ll have a steak and fried potatoes” said a customer in a restaurant. “Yes, sir. Steak and potatoes, sir?” said the waiter. “Will you have chops and peas along with it?” “No thank you!” “Roast beef then, perhaps, sir?” The roast beef is find to-day.” “No, just steak and potatoes.” “How about a nice lobster, or a brace of crabs with the steak, sir?” “No.” “a nice—” At this point the proprietor summoned the waiter to him. “What do you mean,” he said, “by tormenting that customer in such an outrageous manner?” “Tormenting him, sir!” said the waiter “I was just trying to make him feel at home. He’s a barber!”

The often embarrasing trick that Chinese servants have of obeying an order literally is well known. The classic exampie perhaps is that of the cook, who, once observing his mistress who was making cake throw away a spoiled egg, ever afterwards cast aside an egg when he was making that particular kind- of cake. A contributor sends us this amusing aneetode of a servant, not Chinese hut negro, who did her best to do exactly as she was told. A New Zealand woman who had recently moved to a remote South Carolina plantation-home handed an egg and a small minute glass to the old coloured cook, who was part of the estate, and said to her, “Boil this •by the glass until it runs through' three times.” In a little while the woman stepped into the kitchen, and asked whether the eggs were not ready, “Law, no, Miss ’Melia,” was the astonishing reply. “I bile um right side an’ side wid de little wasp-wils’ bottle, hut dis big egg ain’t able to run tro um de fust time vet!”