Mark Twain As A Farmer.

Gisborne Standard and Cook County Gazette, Volume I, Issue 4, 16 June 1887, Page 4

Mark Twain As A Farmer.

I have been introduced to you as an experienced agriculturist. I love the farm. Adam loved the farm. Noah loved his vineyards. Horace : loved the farm, as is shown by that great book, “ What I Know About Farming.” Washington, Webster, and Beecher were allured by the attractions of agriculture. Some one said to Beecher, ‘Keep your cows out of my shrubbery,' ‘Keep your shrubbery out of my cows,' replied Beecher ; ‘lt spoils the milk,’ Hogs arc hard animals to drive over a bridge. 1 once saw a man carried several miles on the back of a hog that turned back in opposition to the solicitations of th® driver on approaching a bridge. I will tell you a safe way to get hogs over a bridge—kill them and draw them over in a waggon. Hogs arc fond of spring lambs and chickens. Hogs will eat their own offspring if no lambs and chickens are offered in the market. When a little boy I was solicited to escort a pig to a neighbour’s farm. A strong rope tied to the pig’s leg was placed in my hand. I did know before the speed and strength of a pig. But they do not run tho way you want them to run. A pig cau draw a canal boat with a tow-line tied to his hind leg, but I would not insure the canal boat. Hogs are uot cleanly, orderly, silent, and not bent on mischief when cut up and salted mid in a tight barrel with a heavy weight on the lid. I’b's is all I know about hogs. 1 love cows. What so meek and lowly as the mooley cow ? City people are foolish to be frightened at cows. 1 was never hurt by a cow but once. He shook his head at me from behind a strong gate. I felt the security of my position and shied a pumpkin at him. He came through the gate as though it were a spider’s web, and then I was sorry I did it. This kind of cow should not be fooled with unless you are tired of monotony. The poet loves to dwell upon milkmaids, milking time, lovers sparking over the farm yard gate, but no such poet could ever have milked a cow in fly time. I cannot imagine a successful love suit at such a season. I milked the cows one night when the boys were off on a Fourth of July. That is I milked one and a-half cows. The last one was so busy knocking off flies with her hind foot I thought I had better not disturb her longer. A pail of fresh milk over a boy does not improve his clothes or temper. Some say I milked from the wrong side. I thought I would be sure and be right, so I milked half on one side and half on the other. I was on the other side when she knocked off most flies. Can any one tell me why a cow should be allowed to dictate which side a man shall milk from ? I claim the right of my choice for at least half the time.

Sheep arc my special delight. How gracefully the lambs gambol over tho green. 1 trust you never gamble over the green. Nothing so patient and modest as a sheep. Some say a scamp is the black sheep of the flock, but a black sheep is just as respectable as any and the colour lino should not thus be drawn. 1 once fished on the bluff and casually discovered a sheep with large crooked horns coming at me with head down and fire in her eyes. The fish were not biting well bo I left my sport and dodged behind a stump. The sheep fell on the rocks below and broke her neck. For this act I have since been accused of nonproteetion in the wool traffic. This reminds me of a commissioner of agriculture iu old times who purchased six hydraulic rams for the improvement of American flocks. Feather beds are made from geese, but all woollen goods and drums are made from sheepskins.