CANDID RECOLLECTIONS

Gisborne Times, Volume LXXIII, Issue 11827, 7 January 1933, Page 9

CANDID RECOLLECTIONS

TOLD BY THE DUKE OF MANCHESTER.

MANY A Al. USING TALES

Ono dark night two Irish bargees were walking home along the tewpath. They were both very drunk, and their gait very unsteady. One of them miscalculated the distance between the path and the river, and fell headlong into the lev water. His yells rent the air. “Help! Help! I can’t swim,” he spluttered. The .other bargee watched him from the path quite unmoved. “No more can I, you fool,’’ lie retorted, “but I don’t make such a i'nss about it.” This, among many other, amusing stories, is told by the Duke of Manchester in “My Candid Recollections.” King Edward was a personal friend of the Duke’s. The King was at Marienbad ami met there an. .Austrian noble. In all respects save one Jlis Majesty wars satisfied .with Idm. One thing however, met with the Royal disapproval. One day he remarked pleasantly: “You are wearing, quite inadvertently the tie of the English Guards.” The Austrian nobleman politely inquired how long these Jiad been the Guards’ colors. “For over three hundred years.” replied the King. “.Sir,” the Austrian answered with great dignity, ■•they have been my family’s colors for over seven hundred year.'." The Duke of Manchester was ten years old when the Home Rule Election of ISAj took place. The “’passionate intensity'’ of the Ulsterman made the country like a '•disturbed beehive." He relates how the Roman Catholic Archbishop of Armagh told an incident-against himself that happened during these feverish days:11»- was driving. ... on a lonely stretch or road outside Euriadown . and suv a man lying in the ditch apparently dead. The carriage at as stopped .... the Cardinal told h:s chaplain to see whether they could, detect any signs of life . . '•()cli. the poor man." said the Cardinal. "If lie's dead ontoirly. i can't give him the last rites. D’ye not think a pinch nr two will get the sinalle-t move nut of him. . . . and I'll give him the Extreme Unction R* The treatment, was successful, and the man opened a glazed eye, just long enough to see what figures were bonding over him. "To hell wi’ the Pope.” lie muttered, and sank once more into his stupor. The Duke tells how he and his hohy sisters went to lunch with Queen Victoria. Chicken was included in the menu, and the Queen took the hone up in her fingers and picked it. The little Radies Mary and Xeii Montagu were horrified, and pointing at Queen Victoria shrieked in unison, “Oh. piggy-wiggy The Duke’s father was a man of enormous self-control and self-disci-pline, and lie brought u-p his son on Spartan line 4. He was allowed sixpence a week pocket money, and his penny a day had to he earned. His father made tlie estate mason or carpenter give Ids sou work, and if it was performed to their satisfaction, he was rewarded with one penny. Threepence of that had to go info the collection on Sunday! The Duke says it infuriates him to see how some present-day lads laze. Recently, he relates, a hoy applying for a local post office job was told to call at nine a.m. the next day. He asked that the appointment should he altered as he always breakfasted at that hour !

LORD BALFOUR AND THE DUCHESS.

Tito Duchess of Devonshire was the writer's paternal grandmother. She had all the Victorian sternness, and was particularly insistent that everyone sat erect.

Lord Balfour displeased her intensely because he invariably lolled in Ids chair, and slipped leaver and lower regardless of Jier wrathful gaze. At dinner one evening at Chatsworth he kept sliding down, ami each time lie did so the Duchess eaiietl loudly:— ■“Sit tip Arthur! Sit up, immediately. n to the infinite amusement of ihe culprit. Here is a good Negro story:—A Negro preacher had protected his own fields from the Mississippi flood?, with the help of his family, while the other Negros were busy at work, and iso many of their crops suffered from the floods. i'lie preacher gave them an eloquent sermon on their neglect and his immunity from disaster because “the Lord knows my good work. . . , . . He'd no more allow my crop to he destroyed as your is—” At that moment his son Billy rushed into the meeting house, and shouted, “Fader 1 Fader! De fiber's gone bust and your crop am spoilt.” The congregation giggled. - The preacher, holding up his hand for silence, thundered in tones of Jovian fury:— “I don't believe it, but if it is so, swell then, the Lord ain't the Lord 1 took Him for.” Americans love a title and treated the Duke royally, even begging permission to name, an apartment house after him and embellish the doorhandles with the Manchester coat of arms!

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Continued from previous column) POOR FI Hi. The writer toils a story of a man in a small New h ork hotel who tore down the stairs one night, and, ru-h----iug up to the reception clerk, shouted: “Quick, quick, send for a doctor! -My partner's gone blind." “W here did you get the stuff?'’ asked t}ie clerk. who was used to such alarms. “And arc yon sure ho is really blind?” “Of course he's blind, you fool,"' retorted the man angrily. “Why, ho's upstairs in a mom full of pink elephants and green rattlesnakes, ami the )poor devil says he can t see i hem.” A certain English Queen's Counsel incurred the displeasure of some Irish people. He came to fish, and was deceived by the ghillie who swore there were hosts of fish, although he know they had all been killed by flax water. After fishing industriously* for a fortnight, and catching nothing,•the Queen’s Counsel departed in a,fury. He was waylaid by three beggars, who were noted for their talent for mendacity. The infuriated Counsel, after listening to their 'outrageous lies, said, “Yon nothing but lies since I" came to this damned country. I’ll give five shillings to the one of you that tells me the biggest lie now.” Quick as lightning the dirtiest of the three beggars held out bis hand and said, “Oeh, yer Honor’s a gentleman!” He got his fivo shilling*. Nv-AL t