GOLF

Gisborne Times, Volume LXXIII, Issue 11768, 15 October 1932, Page 10

GOLF

HUMOUR, OF 1 THE LINKS. BRIGHT STORIES ABOUT CADDIES. Most of the good stories of go-lf are told about caddies. The London “Ncws-Clironicle” recently conceived the idea of inviting readers to contribute anecdotes of this kind. It received a very large number, from which the following arc selected. Asked .if tlie next green was clear, the caddie bawled out:— '‘Yes, sir. There’s just a gentleman with his caddie and a. man watts carrying 'is own clubs!” .* . * An eager novice, rather afraid ol his old Scottish caddie, said apologetically to him as ]io foozled, “I suppose you don’t often carry for as poor a golfer as I. am?” “Ay,” was the reply, “I carry for them, but they’ll no ca’ thorn selves gowfers.” * * * It had boon a strenuous game to the 16th, where they were “all ■square”. . After an indifferent drive on the 17th one of the players bad a poor li 0 for his second shot-. “Brassie,” he said to his caddie, who promptly handed him on iron. “I said ‘brassie.’ ” “Aye, but yo’l] ink’ yer iron : ah'vo got 'a.]f a croon on the match.” *• - * An old arid respected member of a golf club was playing a match with a young and popular member, who was, however, rather short of temper and much given to bad language. At the fifth hole iho' old member was three down and h® remarked to bis caddie, “I’m afraid we're done.” “Don’t you worry, sir.’’ replied the caddie, “you wait rill be gets religiious.” At the next hole the young member found a bunker with his drive and three strokes later he was still in the same bunker, crying aloud to Heaven. “AH right, sir, you've got him,” said tlie old member's c-addic. And be was right. * * * The inefficient- golfer bad sliced most- of his shots into the “rough”. After playing six holes, lie. had lost five- balls, and angrily he. exclaimed to his caddie, ‘‘Dammit, man, I thought you came out here to look' for my balls.” “Aye, did ye so?" the caddie retorted, stolidly, “then we- both rliocbt wrong, for 1 ihouelit vc earn’ oot tao ■play gowf 1” * - -* After the. tea that followed a mixed foursomes match between two South African golf chibs, the captain of the lxom® team said, “Wo will give you a little entertainment-. We have a caddie here who as a good mimic. Come here, Umsopngnas, and show these ladies and gcuilemen how Mr. Maepherson drives off from the first toe.'-‘ Tlie Kaffir i-addy. nothing lol.lt, took bis stance, teed up, addressed the ball, hit a inigbiv drive, shaded his eyes to follow the flight, and exclaimed in disgusted tones “Right in to the plantation.’' ** » * Undecided as to what club to take for the second shot at a long hole, a golfer asked his caddie fo advise him. “Take a spoon, sir.” said the caddie. “I think .I’ll reac]i it with an iron,” -said the golfer. “Take a. spoon,” repeated the caddie. “No,” said Urn golfer, “give me Iho iron.” The caddie handed over the iron in stony silence, and the golfer played a beautiful stroke- which, finished in the ]role. “'Aweel, sir, you’d hno done it better with the spoon,” said the caddie.

A woman whose golf ambition outran her performance made a. series oi rounds on her home course with a view to reducing her handicap. One day, having completed at round well over a century, she turned to her disillusioned caddie, and said:— “What did T go round in yesterday?’’ The man scratched his head for a moment before answering, vaguely:--“Tn a red ’at, I think, miss.” «!• * •* After a fortnight’s indifferent golf on the Machrihanish golf course, a friend of mine said to his .silent, suffering caddie, “Any chance of a ‘birdie. Sandy?” “Wi’ a gowf club —no!’ replied the caddie, thoughtfully; “wi’ a gun—mohee!” * * * Captain Blank - returned to his home, course after a golfing holiday at St. Andrews. “Do you think,” he said to his favorite caddie, “that my game has improved at all since I went away?” “Well, sir,” was the reply, “you seem to drop your shoulder better than, you used to!” ■4 * * A friend of .mine, a wealthy retired Yorkshire manufacturer —lot us call him Donald Wheat—delighted to tel, the following story against, himself. . One morning, his, familiar caddie, was absent and a stranger to both player and course was engaged. It happened that:the golf was even, worse than usual, and my friend, according to liis habit, .mercilessly criticised his own.play. .. . - , ... “What rotten golf!” lie .said. “1 must he far and away the worst player in th e club,’’

“bh, ao; you’re not,” said the caddie!' “They toll mo Donald Wheat iVtJio worst player in this club.’’. ■ » • *■ Flaying once an all-day “threeball,” I was iir.st out on the toe after lurich. My very small boy caddie inquired how the match stood. I replied I was “one’’ up on one of my opponents and “two” up on the other/. “Oh”, lie replied, holding out his hand, “put it- there, I backed you for tuppence.’’ * * * A. very talkative woman who was accustomed to bold forth volubly before taking a shot, .said to.the caddie: “Wo don’t want you; -we prefer to carry our own clubs, Imt we are compelled to engage you, so you might make yourself useful by giving us a fciv bints.” I-Tq looked glum for a. bit, and tjieri said: “Don’t talk so much.’’ •» » *■ In vain had.- a player endeavoured to remove the ball after using every club in. his bag. On turning to his caddie, lie asked ; “What should 1 do now?” Caddie “Try gio'iu' it a dnud wt’ tlie bag, sir.” *• *- •* A visitor at a Scottish links in search of the local minister, asked a caddie if he bad seen him about the course. “Yes, sir,’’ the caddie replied, “lie’s oof. a boot the tenth, toppin’ his balls an’ dam’in’ somethin’ afu’.”