Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2128, 29 February 1908, Page 3 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

‘’When you was little was you spank cd tike I am to make you good, papa Y” , “iwas, my soft —and spanked ha id, , , “Then you can’t fool me no more, cause if it didn’t make you good it won t mate me good.” ‘ .. 'Beautiful one, with eyes so blue, Oh, how my fond heart sighs for you ! Sweet spirit, listen /to me now, He uonce again my ardent vow!” This was the first verse of a “lovely” poem which tjie writer sent to the object of Ills affections with .a request that she would ex or ess an o-ninion on ite . merits. The reply was as -follows: “Dear Air. —, f do not /like to hurt —'your feelings, hut if you will read the initial letters of your first four lines downwards I may say that tlu-v express my sentiments exactly!” • " Interesting Tale. —A Kentucky Con-' jgressman tells a tale of the execution -..0f a noted desperado in that state /Some years ago. Just before the sheriff adjusted the noose, he asked the lustra! question whether tlie man had anything to say. “No, I flunk not” —began the convicted one, when lie was interrupted by a cheerful voice shouting—“ Say, Bill, if you /ain't got anything special to say, would you mind giving me fifteen minutes of your itimo just to let these goad people know tlr.it 1 am a candidate for their suffrages, and—” “Hold on, there!”' shouted the sheriff, -“who’s that?” “John Blank,” volunteered someone, naming- a rising politican, who has since represented his - state for a number of years in Ike House of Itrepresemtatives at Washington.. “Who did fie say it wasp” - whispered the condemned to the sheriff. “They say it’s John .Blink.” “I thought I recognised John’s voice,” the desperado calmly -remarked, “Well, he can have my time—all of it. But go ahead and hang me first and let him talk afterward.”

A lady had a pet chameleon that changed'its colors in sympathy with tits environments, and did so with rapidity. It was in chaige ,of an> old and faithful servant. “James, bring mo the chameleon ; ll want to show it to Lady May.” “Sorry I canna, ma’am.” - ‘‘Why not?” •“Tv ell, you see, ma’am, it’s this way. One o’ your lady friends called while you were out. To amuse her I just showed her your pet.” “Yes; there is no harm in that.” “2to, ma’am. Well, I put it on a blue cushion and it turned 'blue.” “Yes?” “1 put it on a pink cushion and ii turned, pink.” “Yes; very good.” “1 put it on a yellow cushion u.d it turned yellow.” “Yes?” /.‘I. put it on a grey cushion, aiid it was just as grey as your ladyship s dress.” “Well, well?” “Then (in saddened tones), I put it on a tartan plaid, and it just bust itself.”

In one of the busiest thoroughfares of a northern city considerable rivalry existed between the proprietors of tobacconist shops on opposite sides oi the street. One of the tradesmen obtained a • wooden figure of Napoleon who, snuffbox in hand, ken I, watch and ward •over the shop-door. The other, not to be outdone, scoured a figure of the Iron Luke and labelled it: “Napoleon's Conqueror.” •One eyening a party of merry • officers from the local ba tracks abducted the unresisting Napoleon and dropped him into the river. The dummy was recovered in a somewhat dilapidated condition, and the owner at once fixed on his innocent rival p,3 author of the mischief. In the dead of night he stoic to his rival’s establishment, miltreated the figure of Wellington, and appropriated the snuff-box. No cooner was the owner of fine Iron Duke made acquainted with the damage than, hammer in hand, he strode across the road, and with one Ww'knocked off the wooden nose ;. - -.NSSyleon. , - •Here, here, what do von j--ttot?” demanded the rival as ne jca/ught, the culprit, red-h-snusu. ‘•',l mean,” exclaimed the man with, the hammer, “that if . Napo.eon -doesn’t keep.his hose out. ol lington’s snuff-box he’s going to get liurt.” y