WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 2 December 1939, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

WHY NOT? ‘‘Can I have two pieces of cake, Nanny?” ‘‘Certainly, clear—cut the one I’ve given you in half.’ LATEST STYLE. ' Tailor (atfer measuring customer): How about a small deposit? Customer: Just as you like; if that’s the style, put one on. THE OLD FIRM. Smithson: Whom are you working for now?” Jobson: Same people—wife and five children. GENUINE REPRODUCTION. Customer: Is this a genuine fox fur neckpiece? Saleslady: Well, no, madam, it isn’t, but it’s just as good. It’s a fox-simile. POLITE. Small Child (leaving party): I’ve had a very nice time at your party. Hostess: You don’t say so. “Oh, yes, I always do!” SURE SIGN OF PLENTY. Hostess: Did you have enough to eat? i Small Boy: Yes, ma’am. Didn’t you see my mother look at me? SHORT STORY. “Whatever became of that friend of yours who used to have money to burn ?” “He’s sifting the ashes?” CAMOUFLAGE. “Why do you always put a dictation sign on your letters, as if you had a secretary? You do not keep a typist.” “Well, the fact is, my spelling’s a bit shaky.” WITH A GROWING FAMILY. Antique Dealer: May 1 help you, madam" Mother of Growing Family: Yes, I’m looking for an Italian table of the resistance period. SECOND-HAND. “Maggie, this pudding’s got an awful lot. of grit in it.” “Ay, Jock, ye’ll remember that’s the rice that was used ’at Jeannie’s wedding.” THE WRONG PERSON. “Did you cancel all my engagements, as I told you, Smithers?” “Yes, sir, but Lady Millicent didn’t take it very well. She said you were to marry her next Monday!” JUST AS GOOD. The knut entered the hosier’s shop. Knut: Miss, have you ties to match my brown eyes? Saleswoman: No, but we have soft hats to match your head. GOOD ADVICE. She: Mother and I can hardly understand each other over the telephone. He: Did you ever try talking one at a time? SAD CASE. Room Mate: You look broken up. What’s the matter? ■Student: I wrote home for money for a study lamp. So? They sent me a lamp. MISUNDERSTOOD. “Now look at my mudguard! Why don't you learn to drive? Why don’t you give me half the road ?” “I tried to, madam, but it was a little difficult to discover which half you wanted.’ AND HIS TIME, “What did the critics say about that young artist’s pictures?” “They were not in complete agreement. One said, ‘A pity to waste the canvas,’ and the other, ‘A pity to waste the paint.’ ” THRIFT. “Mither, can I hae sixpence to gang to the pictures?” “No, ye canna; ye can hae a bit gorgonzola cheese for supper, an’ that’ll | gie ye the nightmare, which is just as excitin’ as ony picture.” EXPERIENCE. “I’m giving up my post as secretary here.” “Really? Well —er —l’m sure Mr. Thoroughgood’s next secretary won’t —er —be so attarctive.” “You bet she won’t. I’m marrying him! ” WELL DESCRIBED. Holidaymaker (to seaside landlady): Good morning, Mrs. Twister, I bejieve you have a room booked for me.

Landlady: Let me see now. Which room did 1 promise you? Holidaymaker: You said it was the room with the heavenly view. Landlady. Ah, yes! Jane, show this gentleman the room with the skylight. IT WAS FOR HIM. Two undergraduates met in the corridor of one of the colleges. “Hallo!” said one. “Where have you been all the morning?” “Taking part in a guessing contest,” replied the other wearily. “But I thought you had an examination in maths, this morning,” put in the first. “I did —that’s what 1 mean.” EXPLAINED. Two revellers were driving along the highway when a policeman stopped them. “Look here,” he demanded, “what’s the idea of driving backwards?” “Backwards?” “Yes!” snapped the arm of the law, “Backwards!” They looked at each other. “I say,” mused the second one, “no wonder it’s taking us so long to get home.” CENSORED. A young reporter had been sent f o interview a famous boxer. That afternoon he staggered into the news editor’s room. “Well,” snapped his chief, “did you get anything?” “Yes, sir,” moaned the other, point- ( ing to two black eyes. “These!” “We can’t print those!” said the. editor. “What did he say?” j “You can’t print that either,” was', the reply. I DIFFERENT. ] The travelling circus came to a very ( < small town. The reporter of the local t paper arrived to get an article togeth-'i er. He found three circus men look 1 ing very miserable. < Reporter: What is the matter? t Men: The elephant is dead. ( Reporter: That is a great pity, but i I am pleased to see such a genuine 1 love of your animals. One of the men: It isn’t that. Just 1 think of the size of the grave he will want, and we have to dig it.