WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 4 February 1939, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

NEWS FOR TO-DAY I “Have yau heard the news? Jane i has married George Bennett.” “George Bennett! Yon can't mean it! Why, that’s the man she was engaged to.” ALL IN A ROW Judge: What possible excuse, can you give for acquitting the defendant.? Foreman of Jury: Insanity, y’r Honour. “What, all twelve of you?” PRIVATE FIGHT Magistrate: Why didn’t you go to the assistance of the plaintiff in the fight? , . , Policeman: I didn’t Know which was going to be the plaintiff. SAFE OR NOT? First Dentist: .What do you think cf my new place? The fire escape here makes my waiting-room one of the safest rooms in the building. Second Dentist: Safe nothing! I lost twelve patients that way. SALES ADVICE “How many barrels do you sell a week?” “Twenty.'’ “I can tell sou how to sell 25 barrels of beer a week.” “How?” “Fill the glasses

QUICK THINKER The Swashbuckler fin melodrama): Another stoup of wine, varlet! Dost hear? Flustered Super (promoted to small part): Dost where? The Swashbuckler (rising to occasion and clutching throat): Dust heic!

REAL CONCERN

"You never t-takc the s-slightest interest in anything I do,” sobbed the young bride. “Now, don't be unreasonable, darling,” said the new husband. “All last night I lay awake wandering what you had put in that cake you made yesterday.”

NOT SHARP ENOUGH An American and a Londoner were discussing business and business men, each claiming the superior ability for his countrymen. “Well,” declared the New York man, “I’ve been coming to London regularly for the last ten years, and I’ve never once met what I should call a sharp man of business.” “Very .probably,” retorted the Londoner. “You sec, we’ve got all that sort in prison.” RIGHT COLOUR This story comes from America: It was in the middle of the hottest of het summers, and the- temperature was round about the 100-in-the-shade mark. Along the street came a gentleman Avearing a heavy overcoat, with the collar turned up round his ears.

A well-meaning old lady, filled with curiosity,'stopped the man. “Why in the world,’’ she demanded, “are you wearing a heavy blue overcoat on a boiling day like this?” The man smiled and then answered, confidentially, “Because, madam, brown doesn’t suit me at all.” SILENCE IS SAFETY A parrot was left alone with a dog and kept 'saying, “Bow-wow. Bowwow. There’s a good dog. There’s a good dog.” Completely ignored. Polly got bolder, hopped down on to the table, and repeated its remarks. The dog took no notice till, still bolder. Polly hopped on to the floor, where it was immediately grabbed by the terrier and eventually returned to its perch minus feathers. “I know what’s the matter with me,” the parrot squawked. “I know what’s the matter with me. 1 talk too — much.” EGGCELLENT In a Scottish village there is a grocer who has been a teacher. He likes to air his scholastic knowledge, much to the annoyance of his customers. Into his shop the other day walked a woman who was herself no dunce.

“How long is it, Mr. Campbell, since the dodo became extinct?” she asked. “Let me see, madam?” began the grocer, greatly flattered. "I should say at least three thousand years. Why do you ask?” “Because you sold me three of its eggs last week!” was the crushing reply. A GRIEVANCE ' A certain old village woman was renowned for the fact that she grumbled at everything and everybody. The vicar of the village had determined to try to find something about which she had no complaint. And at last he thought he had found it in the old lady’s crop of potatoes, which was the finest for miles around. “Ah, for once you must, be pleased,” ho said, with a beaming smile, as he met her in front, of her cottage. “Everybody’s saying how splendid your potatoes are this year.” The old woman glowered at him as she answered: “They’re not so bad. But where’s the bad potatoes for the pigs?”’ RIGHTS OF EMPLOYER The new cook-general was a very late sleeper, and often failed to get up early enough in the morning to cook the breakfast for the family.

“Mary,” said the lady of the house, “I cannot have this. I’m going to do something drastic about it. Every time you get up too late to cook breakfast I’m going to take a shilling off your wages.” The next few mornings Mary got up extra early, and breakfast was ready on time. Then one morning she (lid not appear until very late. “Late again, Mary!” exclaimed her mistress. “Ive had to cook the breakfast myself.” “Well,” replied Mary calmly, “and ain’t I paying you for it?” ‘ OPINION CHANGED The judge was about to hear an action in the high court when a woman juror rose and requested exemption from service on a plea that she was a non-believer in capital punishment.

“But this is a civil action,” the judge explained, “and has nothing whatever to do with capital punishment. It is brought by a woman who gave her husband two hundred pounds to buy her a fur coat. The husband, instead of buying the coat, lost the money gambling, and now his wife is suing him for the return of her two hundred pounds.” “Oh. indeed, is that it?” replied the juror, relieved. “Then I’ve no objection to serving.” She pondered a moment, and then added thoughtfully: | “And perhaps, after all. 1 was wrong, about capital punishment.” I