WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 21 January 1939, Page 12

WEEK-END SMILES

THAT’S RIGHT. "Maybe this Scotch thrift thing is overdrawn.” “What do you mean?" “So far I’ve never heard of a twokilt suit.” HORSEBACK RIDE. “How did you enjoy your horseback ride?" “I never thought anything filled with hay could be so hard!" THIRD DEGREE. "I wonder if radio is a success in the police cars?” “Oh yes; when a prisoner won’t talk they threaten to tune in on a crooner.” PASTIME, ALL THE TIME. "Your eye looks badly swollen, waiter. What’s the matter?” “The draught, through the keyholes in this hptel is something shocking, miss.”

GORGED HER FOOD. “Cook, I don’t like to mention it, but. the food disappears rather quickly in the kitchen!” “Well, mum, I admits 1 eats ’earty, but t,io one could call me gorgeous.” EVIDENCE. “Progress is hitting our town.” “How’s that?” “At church the other Sunday, somebody dropped a zipper in the collection plate.” PEAK OF DISTRACTION. “Was McTavish’s new friend attractive?” “He said she was so attractive that when he took her home in a cab the other night he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.” THE HONEYMOON ENDS. Young Husband: Mabel, you should have made 12 plates of that soup instead of only two. Bride: Do you like it so much, dear?

“No, but you have put as much salt in as would have seasoned 12 platefuls.”

A SUSTANTIAL REDUCTION

A long-winded lawyer defended a client unsuccessfully, and at the end of the trial the Judge received the following note: “The prisoner humbly prays that the time occupied by the plea of counsel for the defence be counted in his sentence."

TOMMY KNEW

"What is it that fine feathers make, Tommy? '“I don’t know, teacher.” “Oh, yes, you do know. Now think —fine feathers make fine —” “I really don’t know, teacher.” “Yes, you do, Tommy. It begins with the letter ‘b’.” “Oh, yes—beds, teacher.” DISTRESS SIGNAL. “Will you please signal to me in the gallery when Mr. begins to speak!” asked a constituent of a member. “Certainly, Sir, certainly,” replied the M.P. “Well, what shall the signal be?” asked the constituent. “I’ll leave,” answered the Parliamentarian, with much enthusiasm. A WOMAN SENT THIS IN. Teacher: Now, boys, after what I’ve explained of the lion’s fierceness, strength, and daring, can any one of you name a single animal that the king of beasts can stand in awe cf? Up shot little Willie’s hand! Teacher: Well, Willie, which is the animal? Willie (promptly): Please, teacher, the lioness.

A COMPANY MATTER,

The bride of a few weeks noticed that her husband was depressed. “Ernest, dear,” she said, “I know there is something troubling you, and I want you to tell me what it is; your worries are not your worries now, they are our worries.” “Oh, very well, then,” he said. “We’ve just had a letter from a girl, and she’s suing us for breach of promise.” RIPE FOR A MERGER. There was a certain amount of not always very friendly rivalry between the congregations of the two churches in the small Highland village, and when one of them installed a. handsome new organ feeling ran very high. It was not long before the beadle of the organ-less church encountered his friendly opponent in the street. “So ye hae an organ?” he said. “A’ ye- need the noo is a monkey.”

“Ay,” was the calm reply, “and a’ ye need owre yonder is an organ."

A WAY OUT

Here is a story of the film world. A well-known film company was engaged on shooting one of those epics which contain so much love-interest. The principal love scene was being shot at the time, and the leading man was showing a great deal of ardour — carrying realism a little too far, the director thought.

“Hey!” shouted the director. “Steady on! You can't do that! The Censor won’t pass that stuff!” “0.K.!” said the leading man, still clutching the beautiful star in his arms. “Save the film and switch off the lights.”

NOT SO DUMB In a. wild and woolly West town some years ago, a boy reached the age of fourteen without ever having spoken one word. One day he was loafing around the corral where they were branding the calves and somehow managing to get in the way of the man who was handling the branding irons, lie got burned pretty badly on the seat of his pants. As he felt the red-hot iron, the dumb lad shouted '‘Ouch!’’ Naturally, there was terrific excitement, and the man who had burned him cried: “A miracle! Dummy talked! He’s found his voice!” But. the lad spoke up again. “Miracle nothin’.” he said. “I just never had nothin’ to say before." FELLOW FEELING The landlord was taking his morning walk, when he saw one of his tenants eating his lunch by the road outside his cottage. “What’s wrong. John?” he asked. “Why are you eating outside on such a cold morning?” “The, chimney smokes, sir,” was the reply. The landlord thought he had better find out. the cause of the smoke, and went, over to the cottage, but 'as he 1 opened the door he received a whack I on the head with a broom, followed by the words, “Are you back again, I you old rascal?” t Closing the door, he went over to 1 John, patted him on the back, and said, with sympathy, “My chimney i smokes, too, sometimes.” 1