WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 20 February 1937, Page 11

WEEK-END SMILES

». NOTHING BUT'THE TRUTH.. Candidate: Now my friends, you don’t want to buy a pig in a poke. Vote for me and you’ll get the genuine article. ENGLISH. CLASS. “What id the plural of. man?” asked the school teacher “Men,” replied Bobbie. “And the plural of child?” ‘.'Twins” was the unexpected reply. SO IT IS! Little Jenny saw a dachshund. “Oh, mother,” she said “this is the, kind of dog the man on the radio about.” “On the radio?” “Yes —he said ‘Get a long lit doggie.’ ” IN A CAMP. Goggs: Do you'feel the cold much this weather, old man? Moggs: I have so many blankets on my stretcher, old boy, that I have a book mark to know where to get in. THAT IS, A SEVENTH OF IT. “If somebody left you a million dollars, what would you do?” “Hire six good lawyers and try to get it.” ' , RETALIATION. “You don’t “make the pastry my mother used to make.” “You don’t make the ‘dough’ my father used to make.” BLAMES HIS TOOLS. “What make of golf ball does your husband like, madam?” “I don’t think it matters—he doesn’t seem to like any of them.” EXPERT. Young Brown was watching young Jones admiringly in the swimming bath. “Jolly good! You can swim like a fish,” he said. . “Better, I reckon,” said his friend. “I can swim on my back.” BAD SHOOTING. Hubby: I read in the paper that they gave the new President of that South American Republic the customary salute of 21 guns. “Really?” the wife replied. “Yes, but this time the whole affair was a failure,” went on hubby. “Why was that?” she asked. “They missed him,” he replied. ASKED FOR IT. The waitress who had taken the man’s order some time ago now returned to his table deep in meditation. “Ah,” said the customer 1 rightly, “a penny for your thoughts, young lady.” The girl raised a pair of inquiring eyes. “Well, sir,” she said, “we are very busy to-day, and I was just wondering whether you were a stewed rabbit or a boiled fowl!”

FEMININE TOUCH. The sales manager’s wife had called at the office to be told he was- in conference. “Were you terribly bored while waiting for me dear?” he asked, when he returned. “No darling,” she replied. “I amused myself with those ducky little coloured pins in that map on the wall. I changed them around,, and made them look much prettier.” FRANKNESS. A professor was taking the class for chemistry. In t*ront of him he had a bowl containing some bubbling liquid. “Now, boys,” he said, “when Iye dropped a silver coin into this acid will it dissolve?” “No.” replied a smart boy. ‘ Because if it did you wouldn’t drop it in.

another SURPRISE. “Where the dickens have you been all this time?” demanded the diner of the waiter. The waiter glared furiously at him. “Do you take me, for, a blinkin’ racehorse?” he retorted, indignantly. “Well, not exactly.”' the diner replied, “although it' surprises me how often you’re tipped!” FAIR OFFER. His fellow-workers were presenting Sandy with a richly-jewelled penknife on his leaving the works abroad. “Well, Sandy,” said the* foreman, “we mustna let this wee knife cut our friendship, so just gie me a halfpenny for it.” “I’m sorry,” said Sandy after a moment’s searching. “I havena a halfpenny, but I’ll gie ye a penny and ye can gie me another knife.” CONGENIAL ISOLATION. . An Englishman and an American travelled in the same compartment on one of the Liverpool expresses. The former' spoke not a. word to his companion, who was the only other occupant of the compartment, and it was only when the train was crossing Runcorn Bridge that the American said: “Excuse me, sir, but your tie is riding up over the back of your collar.” “Well, what if it is?” was the curt 'eply. “Your coat pocket has been on fre this last five minutes, and I iven’t bothered you.”

NOT A CAT. | A Birmingham man on a holiday in the Midlands got lodgings at a very old-fashioned cottage kept by an old lady. There was no bathroom in the cottage, and so when anyone wanted a bath they would inform the old lady, who would put water in a tub in the wash-house. The Birmingham man wasmot aware of this, and one day complained to the old lady that he was feeling very dirty owing to not having had a bath since he had been there. “Well,” said the old lady, “that is your own fault. Haven’t you got a tongue?” “I have got a tongue,” answered the voung man, “but I’m not a blooming cat.”

TIME TO START. A local dramatic society were pro'iicing that famous old melodrama lied “The Castle Spectre,” and the ■at night had arrived. The mem- , who had been cast for the captain the guard had an impediment of ech, -which, though almost imper:ble on ordinary occasions, was ?e to assume alarming proportions der excitement. But as his speakig part throughout the play was only ir words, “Away to (he castle,” erybody hoped for the best. \t his cue the armour-plated hero hed on shouting “Awa-wa-wa-wa —” nst then the exasperated stage lager said to the waiting soldiers m an amplified stage whisper: “Blimey, why don’t you start? You’ll get there hours before he’s finished telling you.”