WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 14 November 1936, Page 12

WEEK-END SMILES

THAT MAN’S IN AGAIN! “I’ve just returned from photographing big game in Africa.” “Well, well, any gnus?” ■

ALL RIGHT TO DRIVE. “I hear you are letting your little boy,drive your cor.” “Yes, he’s still too , young to be trusted as a pedestrian. ’

SAME HERE! Father: When I was a boy, I thought nothing of chopping wobd all day. Son: I don’t think much of the idea myself, dad.

■WELL DONE. Smith: Done well with your vegetable garden this year? Jones: Not bad. We had it for dinner yesterday.

BOIL IT DOWN! “Well, what' did our eminent statesman have to say?” asked the editor. “Nothing,” replied the reporter. “Very well. Keep it down to a column.” HOME TRAINING. Squire’s Wife: And where is your daughter, Mrs Hodge? Mrs Hodge: Well, to tell you the tiTith, mum, her was that useless in the house that I sent her out to domestic service. HIS BUSINESS. -• “Belibve me,” said the comedian, “when I do my stuff on the stage they roar.” “How wonderful!” cooed the pretty young thing. “Are you a lion-tamer? TAKE IT EITHER WAY. She had spent much more than her allowance, and as she listed her many expenditures she exclaimed: “Oh, dear me!” “I am inclined to agre with you,” .observed her husband sweetly. NATIONS DO THAT, TOO. Mother: Boys, boys! Stop that this instant! rtnvs- iAw wH’re not fiahting, we’re

just defending ourselves from each other. A SECOND PAIR. “That’s a queer pair of stockings you have on, Pat—one red and the other green.” “Yes; and I’ve got another pair like it at home.’’ REAL MEANING OF “ETC.” 1 “Johnnie,” said the teacher of the juvenile class, “what is the term etc. used for?” “I guess it’s to make people think we know a lot more than we do.” NO COMPLAINTS. “I see it says here lion tamers are very seldom troubled with rheumatism in their old age.” '■ • ■ “Ah—and I don’t suppose they’re much troubled with* old age, either!” GENEROUS. / "Mon, - she exclaimed, “ye-re makin’ t Mrs Nubride: Well? Stranger (at door): I’m a bill collector. Mrs Nubride: Oh, that’s splendid! You just come in and I’ll give you as many as you can carry. MAKES A DIFFERENCE. Hostess: What a noise those neighbours make! Listen to the children howling. Visitor: But that noise comes from your own nursery. Hostess: Really. The little darlings must be enjoying themselves.

WOOING IN FRENCH. “Martha, if I should ask you in French if I might announce our engagement, what would you say?” Hastily mustering her scanty knowledge of French, the girl exclaimed, “Billet dbux.” And he did. A SLIGHT IMPROVEMENT. The local doctor,’ strolling along thevillage street, saw one of the old inhabitants seated on a Chair, in the doorway of his cottage. 1 “Well, Thomas, how are you?” inquired the doctor. Thomas: Well, I be better than I was, sir, but I ain’t so well as I was before I was as bad as I bo now. JUMBLED PASTIMES. “They say Jones is devoted to his golf and his wife is equally fond of auction sales.” “Yes, and the funny part about it is that they both talk in their sleep. The other' night the people in the next apartment heard him shout ‘Fore,’ and immediately, his wife yelled, ‘Four and a-quarter’!”

FLIMSY WALLS. They were entertaining, friends in their new home. Suddenly one of the guests sat up and listened. “Surely you’re not troubled by mice already?” she said. “That’s not mice,” replied the householder. “That’s the people next door eating celery.’’ LESS COMPETITION. “Ay,” exclaimed Sandy McTavish to his English friend. “Scotland’s the finest place on earth.” • i “Then what made you leave it, since y l ou like it so much?” said the friend. Sandy smiled. “Ah, weel,” he chuckled, “it was like this-. In Scotland everybody was as clever as masel’ and' I cbudna mak’ muckle progress. But here—here I’m getting on verra week’/ CAUGHT OUT. “Marvellous!” ejaculated the cricket enthusiast, “it says in this paper that Nobbs took nine wickets for. only twelve runs?’., 7 “Pooh,” returned his friend. “I once saw a man get an entire, side out without a single score - being made against him.” “Great Scott!” came the reply. “Who was that?” “Oh, just an umpire,”- came the nonchalant retort. . . ’• . . ■ TOO REALISTIC. At a territorial camp a battalion was being instructed, on - “ How to take a convoy through open country.” One company was told off to represent a convoy, the men being told that they were to represent horses, cows, and wagons. When the order to advance was given, the convoy moved’on; but the major noticed that one man continued to lie down. He galloped up to him and said, “Why don’t you advance.?’* 1 • . : /'■ The man replied, “I can’t,zsir.” “You can’t? What do you. mean?” “I’m a wagon, and I’ve got?a wheel off.” ■ ■