WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 15 August 1936, Page 3

WEEK-END SMILES

fashion. The recruits were being inspected by the sergeants. In the middle he found one man with a button unfastened on his tunic. # “Get buttoned up!” he yelled. Do you think this is a bloomin’ nudist colony?”

QUITE THE REVERSE. Office Boy: I called round at Mr Dogett's, as per your instructions, :Ji, but his office was shut u p. He's gone. Boss: Gone! Gone- where? Gone for a rest? Office. Boy: Well, not. exactly, sir. As far as I could make out, he’s gone to avoid it.

IN DOUBT. A bride of a few days entered a butcher's shop. “Good morning, ma’am,” said the butcher. “What can I serve you with this morning? The young wife answered, “Well er I don’t quite know. What kind of a joint could you recommend to go with a blue dinner service?” STEAM DEFINED At a railway station an old lady said to a very pompous looking gentleman, who was talking about steam communication, “Pray, sir, what is steam?” “Steam, ma'am, is—ah —steam is steam.” “I knew that chap couldn't tell ye,” said :>■ rough-looking fellow standing by. “But steam is a bucket of water in a tremendous perspiration.’’ TOO TRUE. The schoolmaster wanted to know whether the boys had an understanding of the functions of a. British Consulate. “Supposing*}” lie began, “someone took you, up in an aeroplane, and, after a long flight, dropped yon down thousands of miles from home in a country quite foreign, what place would you seek out first of all?” An eager hand was uplifted. “Please, sir, the hospital.” USELESS. Two men travelling in the same carriage had become friendly. "Have a cigar?” said one. "Don't think I'll take one," said the other. “Have a cigarette, then?" “No, thank you.” “How about a pipe?” the first persisted, in desperation. “Don’t use tobacco at all.” “Heavens, man! What on earth do yon do with your mouth?” NOT WHAT THEY THOUGHT. Johnny (to sister’s sweetheart): Oh, Howard, you should have seen the nice soldier that was here to see sister yesterday. He was such a swell, and ho had his arm Johnny's Sister (blushing deeply); Johnny! Johnny (surprised): I was only going to say ho had his arm Johnny’s Father: Johnny, you leave the room at once. Johnny (opening door): 1 was just, going to say he had his army clothes on. TOO SMART. “Do you keep eggs?” asked a young man of the village shopkeeper. .“No, we sell them,” replied the shopkeeper. “Well, how are you selling them to-day?” “We’re selling them as usual, in their shells.” “Oh, I thought you were selling them for money. Have you any farmers’ eggs?” “No, but we have hens’ eggs. How many do you want?” “Did I say I wanted any?” FROM LONDON.

After spending a jolly evening with a friend two revellers were returning home when they lost their way. Groping around in the dark one came in contact with a large stone. “Oh, I say, Jack, we're in a cemetery: hero’s a tombstone.” he said.

“Whose is it?” asked his friend

Striking a match, the more sober of the two, peering at the stone, said, “My, but he was a good age—l7s.”

“But who was he?’’ Another match was struck, then, “1 don’t know him. Some fellow called Miles—from London.” A GOOD FIT. A cavalry officer owned a pair of old but excellently cut riding breeches that his batman coveted and hoped to acquire. The officer, however, had other ideas. He turned' them over to his man and ordered him to clean them thoroughly, and so save him buying a new pair. The batman, with all the cunning of an old soldier, purposely made a very bad job of the cleaning, and when he returned them to the officer the latter gazed at the breeches with displeasure. “H’m, Saunders,” he murmured, “I can't say you’ve made a very good job of it. Did you try ammonia?” “Yes, sir,” said the batman, taken off his guard, “and they lit me a treat.” OBLIGING. Visions of the fame gained by other works’ prize bands wavered before (hem, and the workers of a north-east coast factory decided that these honours might well be theirs also. The welfare department consequently had cards prepared, on which those interested had to give their names, numbers, and instrument preferred. These were collected and tabulated, and as a result the secretary, with a puzzled expression, paid tho blacksmith a visit.

“In filling in your card, John,” he said, “I notice you say you would like to play the cornet. Have you ever played this instrument at all?” “Na, na,” said John. “Jist a bit notion that a would like to larn.”

“You see,” continued the secretary, “I have had forty cards returned, and with tho exception of yourself, all have asked to bo allowed to play the drum.”

“Divvent spoil yer banif for me, mister,” said John, “Ju,st gie me a drum an’ all!’’