WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 8 August 1936, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

MOTHER NEEDS IT. "Dear, dear, you mustn't play with daddy’s razor." "Why?” “Because mother has a can 01 peaches to open.”

THE SCEPTIC. Mrs. Newlywed: Darling, this is my very first pic. Mr. Newlywed: My. what a treasure! Det’s keep it instead of eating it. AMBITIOUS. Employer: I ni sorry, but 1 think jotl are too young. Bright Boy: Thank you. sir. Shall I look in again in about a week’s time? KNEW BEST Smith had called on his tailor with a complaint. "Isn’t this bill rather steep?” demanded the customer. “You should know best, sir,” said tile tailor, “for it was run up by you." THE INDIVIDL'AL “Ti.-ll me. sir. Who was braver Ilian Lancelot, wiser than Socrates, more honest than Lincoln. wittier than Mark Twain. and more handsome than Apollo?” “My wife’s first husband." .JUST CHANCE. Smith: Who first introduced you to your wife? Brown: Oh we just met. I can't blame anybody.

TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD. Young ?,lan: -A hat does your lathei think of me? He says lie can read character. Young Lady: Ho read you and classes you as light fiction. ANOTIIEIT SLIP. Ho: I made an awful mistake just now. I told a man that I thought that the host must be a stingy old blighter, and then' 1 discovered that 1 was talking to ihe host. She: Oh. you moan my husband. TO SAVE STEPS Prospective Home Owner: "And 1 want you to design the house so that we save all unnecessary slops.” Architect: "I see. You want Hie bedroom, kitchen, and garage in a straight line." EXPLICIT.

“What docs ‘not transferable' mean on Hiis ticket?" “Il means that if you clon'l go yourself you v.on'l be admitted."

WHY BRING THAT Ul’? Sonic noisy relatives were visiting a. couple, and happened to mention their dug. a big mongrel. "He's just like one of the family,” said the pup's proud mistress. "Which one?” asked Ihe hostess. TOO DARK.' The train was running through a long tunnel. “Wonderful things, these tunnels.” remarked a passenger. "J never see much in (hem,” replied the other man. HANDY SUBSTITUTE Tommy’s Sister: Tommy, what is a synonym? “A synonym.” said Tommy wisely, “is a word you use when you can t spell the other one.T. BUSY LAD. Applicant: Am 1 bright? Why I've won several magazine puzzle contests. Employer: Yes. but I need a. boy who is smart during business hours. Applicant: Well, this was during business hours. NEEDN’T WORRY. The manager of a cinema was interviewing an applicant for the position of attendant. After asking the man several questions as to his suitability for the job, he finally demanded: "What would you do in case of fire?” “Oh,” said the man. "don't worry about me, I’d soon get out.”

THE COMPARISON Ridgjey (pointing to railway warning): '“See what it says there: ‘Stop, look, listen. - Those three words illustrate the whole scheme of life.” Jones: ‘‘How d’you make that out?” Ridgley: “You see a pretty girl: yon stop: you look; yon marry her. and then you listen.” NOT GENUINE. The little group of country folk had been watching the band play for several minutes. They had never seen a trombone before, and the player of that instrument received particular attention. Finally, one farm-hand nudged another with his elbow.

“Come on.” he said, “it’s a fake, lie don’t swaller it every time.”

ANSWERING A REGUEST

The New Boarder: 1 love to explore the dark depths of the mysterious, to delve into the regions of the unknown, to fathom tlie unfathomable, as it were, and to—- “ Let me give yon a little more of this stew, Mr. Smith.” interrupted the landlady. ' A CATASTROPE. i\ landlord, notorious for erecting jerry-built houses, was making a tour cl inspection of his new housing estate. He arrived ist a house from which the front door was missing. Angrily he rapped op the frame.

".What doeu this nica.h?” he asked, when the new tenant appeared. ‘‘This is a now house, and I find the door already gone.” The tenant gasped. “Well, I never!” he replied. “A minute ago I tied my dog to the door knob, and I expect he saw a cat.” HER RETORT. The tramcar was crowded when a very plump woman boarded it. The passengers made room for her, and she sat down heavily next to a very little man. who after a while muttered: “I think the company should charge fares according to the size of the passengers.” “In that case,”- said the large woman, “they wouldn’t- stop to pick

you up.”

EGGSELLENT

Determined. A close-fisted man served a house with three dozen eggs every week. One week he found that he had inadvertently' sent one extra. Determined not to lose on the deal, he went to the house.

The husband admitted him. “Surely we’re not going to quarrel over a matter like that?” he said when the mistake was explained. “Let’s have a drink to settle it. What will you have?”

“Egg and milk,” said the caller.