WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 9 May 1936, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

WELL MET. ’Darling, this steak tastes like i burned leather,” said the husband. “What strange things you have eaten in your life,” remarked the wife. POPULAR. Every student, of puolic speaking at Harvard is required to make an af-..er-dinner speech. “I’ll pay for this, boys!” is always a winner. WILLING TO TRY. “Our ice cream can't be beaten.” “No? Well, just watch me give it a licking!” THESE OFFICE BOYS. “Sorry I’m late, sir. I slipped and sprained my ankle.” Boss: Ah, another lame excuse. THE THIRD- DIMENSION. Teacher: Is the world round or flat. Johnny? Johnny: Neither. Teacher: Neither? That is a foolish answer. What else can it be? Johnny: Daddy says it’s crooked. GRIM THOUGHT.. With the present trend for horror pictures in Hollywood, some producer . may yet make a picture about three i bridge players marooned on a desert island. , GOOD IDEA. Headmaster: And how dm you get the idea of becoming a teacher? Applicant: I thought that the blackboard would set off my blonde hair so beautifully. I NOT SO BAD. “Ah. Mrs. Gaunt,” saic the minister, “so your poor husband has joined the great majority.” “Och. dinna say that, sir. I’m sure Jock wasn’ as bad’s a’ that.” SMART ALL RIGHT. “I may say I’m regained as quite smart,’ announced the applicant for the stenographer’s position. “I’ve won several prizes in crossword competitions lately.” “Yes,” but 1 want someone who can be smart during office hours.” ' “Oh. but this was during office hours!” THE ALIBI. . “I require yon to give me a detailed utcount of your movements at sixfifteen on the morning of Friday, September the thirteenth,” demanded the I detective. “Let me see,” said Bill Pmcher, as he thoughtfully scratched his head, “at that hour in the morning I think I was I.iobably preparing for a long stretch.” A GROWING DEMAND. “Daddy.” said Willie, “please will you give me sixpence?” His father looked reprovingly his way and said: “Now,, Willie, don’t you think you’re getting a big boy to ask for sixpence?” “Good!” exclaimed Willie. “Then give me a shilling!” HIS OWN BACK. While motoring through Surrey Algy lost his way. Seeing a cross-road, he slowed up and looked about for a signpost. He saw none, so he hailed a passing labourer. “Leatherhead?” he inquired. “And pieface to you,” was the ready response. TALKING HUSBANDS. | “My husband,” said the large fleshyi lady.' “has a habit- of marking para-l graphs in the paper that say mean things about women.” t “So you will not fail to see them, :h? Still, that is not as mean a trick . us mine plays. He cuts them all out. Then I have to get another paper, only to find that I have been fooled again.”

ECONOMY. Young Angus had been out for the •wening with his best girl. When Ire ~o ; J home he found his father still sitting up. The old man shook his head. “Hue ye been oot wi' yon wee lasie again?” he asked. “Aye, Dad," replied young Angus. AVhy do ye look sae worried?”, “1 was just wondering how much the evening cost ye. laddie?” “No more than hulf-a-croon. Dad.” “Aye. That, was no sue bad.” “It" was all she bad,” said Angus. AISY ! Pat worked in a factory where*they mcouraged the staff to think of ideas for the smoother working of the business. . One morning he was shown into the office of the chairman, and announced that he had thought of a way of ensuring that none of the hands would be late in future. . “That sounds good,” said the chairman. “How do you propose to do it?” “Sure, and that’s aisy, sorr,” said Pat. “The last man in blows the whistle.”

RETURN HOME. The old stranger shuffled into the country inn. “Sixty-two years ago, he said, “I left this place, a penniless boy, with no prospects. All 1 had was five shillings, lent me by my schoolfellow, Burrows; I suppose Burrows is dead.” ■‘That he isn’t!” cried an aged man. “I’m Jack Burrows, and let me be the first to welcome you back, rich and famous, to your old home. ’ All the villagers cheered. "I’m wondering," said the returned native, “if you could lend me anoth-

TRAFFIC JAM. There was a two-mile stretch of mad under repair, so badly torn up that, only one line of cars could ygo through at a time. On Sunday, in the absence of the workmen, traffic was being handled by two local policemen, oue at each end of the stretch. One of them would allow a number of cars to pass through from his end. handing a red flag to the driver of the Ijtst car; then, when the cop at the other end had received the flag, he’d start the traffic going in the other direction, and so on.

This worked smoothly until the middle of the afternoon, when the flag was entrusted to a saloon car, bearing a couple of sportive matrons with a lunch basket. They seemed' a little dubious as to what was expected of them, and the cop had to explain. “Just* give it to the officer down the road,” he told them. They nodded brightly and drove on. Then for hours and hours, or anyway, what seemed like hours and hours, nothing happened. Traffic tiled up heavily at both ends, everybody indignant and inclined to be noisy.

,The saloon car finally appeared and hi?' driver, with a pretty flourish, handed over the flag. The cop controlled himself rather well, merely asking ber. “What happened' back there'?? “Nothing happened/’ she said. "Only it was so nice and quiet that we stopped and ate onr luheh.”