WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 14 December 1935, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

TABLES OF MEASURE. Two nips make one glass. Two glasses make one' pint. Two pints make one talkative. “WELL DESIGNED.” “Ho! Been to a fancy dress ball as a burglar! Well, you can tell that tale to the Magistrate in the morn-iU"B-b-but I am the Magistrate!” “ENGLISH” IN AMERICA. Teacher: John Henry, your work has fallen down; and if you are going to pick it up, you II have to step on it. THE IDEAL. A man often spends many years looking for the ideal womp.n. And in the meantime, says a cynic, he jjets married. DEAD SHOT. The teacher was reading an essay which one of the boys had written on “Adventures in the Jungle.” Presently she read out the following sentence: “1 stood terrified foi a moment, then took aim, and shot the mosquito through the heart.” CLEAR. “But if I put my money in the Savings Bank when can I draw some of it out?” inquired Flaherty. . ‘‘Well, it’s like this,” explained Murphy.’ “If you put a pound in today, you can withdraw it to-morrow by giving four days’ notice.” PROOF. To a tramp who wanted to earn a bite to eat, a woman said: — “If I thought you were honest, 1 d let yon go to the chicken house and gather the eggs.” “Lady,” he replied with dignity, “I was manager at a swimming baths for fifteen years and never took a bath.”

NATURAL CAUSES. “I made a blunder to-day,” said a young doctor to his wife. “What was it?” said wifie, anxiously. “I absent-mindedly signed my name on a death certificate in the space marked ‘Cause of death.’ ” COMMON SENSE. Wigley: Have you ever noticed whenever there’s a railway smash It’S mostly the first or last coach that gets all the damage? Wagley: Yes. Why don’t they use a bit of common sense and leave them off? BY COMPARISON. “I wonder the landlord doesn’t do something to repair this deplorable block of flats.” “Well, he was going to do something about it until he went on a tour to Naples and saw the ruins of Pompeii. Now he thinks this isn’t too bad.” FOOLISH. Magistrate (looking at very small prisoner): What is the charge? Six-foot constable: Attempted suicide. Magistrate: Indeed? What did he do? Six-foot constable: He wanted to fight me. BEING PREPARED. Sandy began to fumble in his pocket. “That’s all right, sir,” said the dentist, “you don’t need to pay me in advance.” Sandy sniffed. “I’m no going to,” he replied, “I’m only counting ma siller before you gi’e me the gas.” JUST FOR FUN. A patient in a hospital who was seriously ill, requested a nulrse to write to his wife for him, but he did not seem to know exactly what he wanted to say. “Shall I start with ‘My dear wife’?” asked the nurse. ‘‘Yes,” replied the man. “You can put that down—it’ll make her laugh, anyway.” GOOD THIRSTS. It was a sultry day, and,the two sailors had just been released from a hot spell of duty aboard. Immediately they reached shore they made a bee-line for the first public house they saw, and one of them ordered two quarts of ale. The men emptied their tankards in one draught, while the barmaid looked on in undisguised admiration. The man who had paid stood a second or two wetting his lips meditatively, and then turned to his com-, rade with a grin. “Tain’t so bad, Bill, is it?” he remarked. “Shall we ’ave some?” UNDER SUSPICION.

Many things had mysteriously disappeared .from the works. Finally, the boss sent for his foreman. “Look here, Pat,” he said, “if you find anything else has vanished, stop the Inen as they leave at night and search them.” A week later the boss was walking across the yard as the “leaving-off” hooter was sounding. Coining to the gate, he saw that Pat had lined up all the men. “Now then, ye spalpeens,” the Irishman was saying, “take off your coats.” “What’s missing, Pat?” asked the boss. “A wheelbarrow," came the reply. THE ORDER. The blackmailer’s accomplice had succeeded in getting the victim to fall to her, and the crook had managed to take some photographs of them kissing. Going into the office of his victim he threw half a dozen photographs on the desk, and said: “I’ve learned that you’ve been making love to my wife, and here are the proofs. What about it?” The other looked admiringly through the pile of photographs, then, turning to the blackmailer, said: “I say they are good. I’ll have two enlargements of each!” BUSINESS BRISK. “Just leave it to me. It’s perfectly simple. I’ll fix it up before you can say ‘Jack Robinson.’ ” Everyone knows the man who talks like this whenever a small household task wants doing—such as mending a burst pipe or putting up a shelf. Robinson was like that, and when a stone came through one of the win-dow-panes he said he felt it would he extravagance to call in the glazier, “I’ll do it myself,” he announced. He took the measurements and went to buy the .glass.

“Quite a simple job,” said the shopkeeper. “You Just puli out the old glass, fit in the new, fill in with putty, and there you are.” An hour later Robinson presented himself once more at the shop. The proprietor greeted him witli an air of bright efficiency.

“Same size again, sir, 1 suppose?” he inquired.