WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 16 November 1935, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

TAKING IT EASY Bookseller: Yes, this book will do half your work for you. Student: Right—oh, I’ll take two of (hem. HE KNEW Wife: Talk of conscience. I don’t believe you know what a conscience is. Husband: 1 do. It’s that inward feeling you hvae when you’ve done -wrong that prompts you- (o think uji an excuse for blaming someone else. MERELY DAD ••You'll be round to-night, Bob?’' said Daisy® “Rather! But, 1 say, you might, (lek off (hat. ugly-looking fellow who drives your ear and works in the garden: he always gives mo a nasty look when he secs me.” “Oh, don’t worry,” replied Daisy, airily, “that’s only father.” THAT WAS DIFFERENT The dear old lady smiled at the little girl who had been left in sole charge of the confectioner’s shop. “And don’t you feel tempted to eat one of the cream buns, my dear?” she asked.

The little girl -was quite shocked. “Ob, dear, no!” she replied. ’’That would be stealing. I only lick them.”

■WIDTH OR LENGTH

Grocer’s Assistant: What can I get you madam’?

Madam (who han been memorising her purchases in the drapery department) : Oh, a yard of bacon, please. Grocer’s Assistant (smiling): Certainly, madam. I can thoroughly recommend these red stripes on a white background at 3/01 the yard. AS THOUGH YOU WERE ONE “Wheer’s the thunderin’ smoke-room to this place?” barked- the blustering, fat man .to the commissionaire at the hotel. “You see that door with ‘Gentlemen only’ on it?” replied the latter.

“Course I, do,” growled the bustling one.

“Well,” said the commissionaire, “you. ignore that notice and just walk straight in.”

ROUGH GOING The old lady passenger had been watching the conductor writing in his little book. “It must be hard for you to make your notes while the ’bus is moving,” she said at last. “As a matter of fact, ma’am,” said the conductor, “I’s used to it now, but it makes a difference writing at home.” “What do. you mean?” she asked. “Well you see,” he said, “I have to get the missus to shake the table.” HIS NATIVE HEATH An English comedian, who thought he could speak the Scottish dialect like a native, was invited to dinner by an Edinburgh man. He told several humorous stories in his best Scots accent and then, thinking to surprise his host, said: “What part of Scotland would you think I came from?” . The host looked extremely dubious. “Brummagem, by any chance?” he asked, dryly.

HIS EXCUSE At the breakfast table he tv as re-, lating to his wife an incident at the club meeting. The president had offered a silk hat to the member who could truthfully say that during his married life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife. “And, would you believe it, Mary ? not one man stood up!” “George,” said his wife, “why didn’t you stand up?” “Well,” he replied, “I was .going to —but you know, dear, I look so funny in a silk hat!” THE REASON The big business man, obliged to take a quicker lunch than usual, went into a nearby cafe and ordered the best that could be had. Sitting opposite him was a well* built if over-slim young man attacking some bread and cheese and casting envious looks at his neighbours plate. The latter, noting this, nodded sympathetically and queried, “Athlete on a diet, old chap?” “No,” came the reply, “one of your travellers on commission.” FIRED Spud Greenfield, growing tired of the farms, decided to join the army. Parading before the sergeant-major on his arrival, he was asked whether he was a. good rifle shot. “Indeed I am!” replied Spud. “The first time 1 fired a rifle I hit a bull.” “But what about the second time?” asked the sergeant-major. “There wasn’t a second shot. The farmer gave me the sack and buried the bull.

DISCOVERY The club bore, though commonly known to be henpecked at home, was holding forth and impressing his lis : toners with his methods of “asserting himself” with his wife. “Yes,” he said, “when I got married I determined I would be master in my own house or know the reason why.” “Really?” a sceptical member of the audience inquired, “and what was the reason?” PERFECTLY FAIR A racing trainer had caught one of his stable boys stealing oats, and seemed undecided what course to take. In the meantime the stable boy had asked his mistress to intercede for him. The trainer’s wife pleaded with her husband, and, quoting the Scriptures in support of leniency, said; “We were taught when a man took our coat to give him the cloak as well.”

“Quite true,” the trainer replied, “and as he has taken my oats I am going to give him the sack.”

ONLY JUST

The stern voice of parental authority had made itself heard, and little Jackie was totally forbidden to stay behind in the playground after school hours.

“You must come straight home,” said father. “If you don’t —well, you know!”

Jackie did know. He. had felt the weight of father’s hand before. But one day he forgot the order and arrived home nearly an hour late, dirty and very tired. “Look here,” said his father angrily “didn’t you promise me that you wouldn’t stay out and play games in the evening?”

“Yes, father,” was the meek reply. “And didn’t I promise to punish you if you did ijtay behind?” “Yes, father,” answered Jackie, still more meekly. “But as I didn’t keep my promise, I won’t hold yon to yours."