WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 10 August 1935, Page 9

WEEK-END SMILES

CUTTING IT FINE. First Farmer: Which is correct, “A hen is sitting” or “A hen is setting”? Second Farmer: I don’t know, and I-'don’t care. All I bother about is when she cackles —is she laying or is she lying? A DRAWBACK. Mr Neighbour: They tell me your son is in the school football team! Mrs Malaprop: Yes, indeed! Mr Neighbour: Do you know what position he plays? Mrs Malaprop: Ain’t sure, but I think he’s one of the drawbacks! CUT AND COME AGAIN. Householder: I’ll give you these cakes if you cut me some wood. I'm sorry the axe is a bit blunt. Hobo: Never mind, lady. Maybe I’ll be able th break ’em up with a sledgehammer. VERY RISKY. A professor was engaged in showing his class an interesting experiment. “Now,” he said impressively, “if anything goes wrong, w’e may be blown to pieces. . . Here! come a little nearer, so that you may follow me closer.” . EXCHANGE. A distinguished, visitor to a lunatic asylum went to the telephone and found difficulty in getting his connection. Exasperated, he shouted to exchange: “Look here, girl, do you know who I am?” “No,” came back the calm reply, but I know where, you are!” PROOF POSITIVE. The clerks were getting ready to go home when the manager came into the office, and asked if the cashier, a Scotsman, had gone home.

“No, sir,” a junior replied. * “Are you certain?” asked the chief. “Quite certain,” was the reply. “His matches are on his desk.”

A. SETBACK. Tho tourist got into conversation with an old man who was sitting outside the village inn. “They tell me you are the oldest inhabitant,” said, the tourist. “Yes, that’s right,” replied the old man. “I be the oldest in the village —ninety-five next month—and I reckon if it hadn’t bin for this putting back of clocks, I’d be a centenarian by this time.” NOT REALLY. Mrs Brown was vigorously powdering her face before going out. “Why do you go to all that trouble?” asked her husband, who was waiting patiently in the hall. She shrugged her shoulders and replied: Modesty, my dear Henry. “Modesty!” he ejaculated. “Yes,” she explained. “I’ve no desire to shine in public.” HARD LUCK. A consistently lucky backer of horses was asked by a novice how it was done. “Well,” said the punter, “I find it quite simple. I just look at the list of arrivals in the morning papers, write down three or four that I fancy, •and pass them to a bookie with five bob.” His friend acted upon this advice, but failed to find the names of the horses he had backed in the evening paper. He explained his difficulty to his friend, who, on close examination of the morning paper, discovered that the novice had backed three liners and a warship!

. ORDERS IS ORDERS. A certain.-general, known for his strict insistence upon implicit obedience, met a soldier carrying a steaming dixie from' the camp cookhouse. “Here, you,” he ordered, “let me taste that.” ‘■But, sir—it isn’t —” “Don’t give me any ‘huts.’ Get a spoon!” “Very good, sir.” The soldier doubled back to the cookhouse and fetched one. The. general helped himself to a spoonful of the liquid and immediately spat it out. “You don’t call that soup, do you?” he roared. “No, sir. That’s what I was tryiif to tell you. It’s disinfectant, sir.” LOCK, STOCK AND BARREL. A post office inspector on his annual round called at the litttle post office at Mudville, which was run behind a few barrels and sacks in a grocer’s shop. The slipshod way it was managed horrified him. ‘■Look here,” he said angrily to the s.hopkeeper-cum!-postmaster, “you’re going to hear about this when I send in my report.” The shopkeeper disappeared behind the barrels, and a. little while latei' emerged with a cigar box which contained some stamps and coppers and .two small exercise books. He thrust them towards the inspector. “Here.” he said, "take your rotten old post office and gel out!” WARNING HIM. Down in Alabama a negro preacher who had served a short gaol sentence in his earlier life was fearful lest his congregation discovered the fact, as in his later years he had been a model of rectitude. One Sunday, rising to begin his sermon, his heart sank to see a former cell-mate sitting in the tront trow. Quick thinking was necessary. Fixing his eye on the unwelcome guest, the preacher announced, solemly: “Ah takes mah text dis mo’nin’ from de sixty-fo’th chaptah and fo’ hundredth verse of de Book of Job. which says: ‘Dem as sees and knows me, an’ says nothin', dem will ah see later.”

DESCRIBED. He dashed into th • police station at. midnight, explaining that his wife had been missing since eight o’clock that morning, and asking that a search by made for her. “Her description.” said the sergeant. “Height?” ”I—l don't know." "Weight?” The husband shook his head vaguely. ‘•Colour of eyes?” "Er—average, I expect.” "Do you know how she was dressed?" "1 expect she wore 1-. r coat and hat. She took the doe with her.” "What kind of dog?” "Brindle bull lerrh'i. weight fourteen and a Half pfinnds, >onr dark blotches on his bod-, shading from gley Io white. Bound, Idarkish spot over the left eye, white stub tail, thtee white legs, ami -icht front leg biindlod, all but th-.. to- . small nick in the 101 l ear. a silver ’ink collar. with ” "That'll do.” gasped the serg-eant. '"We’ll find the dog!”