WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 13 July 1935, Page 12

WEEK-END SMILES

NO TATTLETALE. Mistress: Marie, when you wait table to-night for my guests, please don’t spill anything. Maid: - Don’t you worry, ma’am; I’m very tight-mouthed. REPERCUSSION. An American charged in Kentucky with being drunk pleaded, “I wasn’t loaded, your Honor.” . “Discharged,” exploded the Court. The report was in the papers. HOPE. Her father: I do hope you appreciate that in marrying my daughter you are getting a very big-hearted and generous girl. ' . Young man: I do, sir. And I hope that she has acquired those fine qualiA PRETTY, PRETTY WIT. First Girl (on a visit to the country, as a whistle is heard) ecstatically: Darling, do you think that’s a pee-wit? Second Girl (looking over her shoulder and seeing the head of a youth over a gorse bush), scornfully: No; a half-wit. REVENGE. Jones: Your office sent me a cook last week. Employment Office Manager: Yes, that’s right. . . ... . Jones: Well, it will give me the greatest pleasure if you will dine with me to-night. • ■ ; x THE NEW DEAL. - Two little American boys were talking about the President. One of them said: “My father thinks he has done a lot of good.” •• The other boy replied: “Oh,; E dont know; he hasn’t closed the—schools yfet?' , FASHION NOTES, "The bachelor has his car,” observes a novelist; “the married man has his wife.” Yes, but a car’s changes of gear don’t cost anything. A famous beauty specialist says that not one woman in ten could pass a beauty test. As a result, not one woman in ten can pass a beauty parlour. FEMININE REMEDY. <! The following conversation, took place between a medical man and a patient:— . - “Do you know you’ve been. ' going about with a bone.broken?” “Well, doctor, every time I sajfcjsomething is wrong with me my wife makes me stop smoking.” ; ..... HIS METHOD. v “Pardon me, sir,” said the persistent caller to poor old dad, “but I am soliciting donations for our jumblQ' sale. Now, what do you do with your - old clothes?” ' ‘ ' “Well,” replied Pa with a wistful glance, “I brush them carefully y and fold them up every night, and put them all on again the following moving.?

A GOOD IDEA. Miss Tart: How do you manage to keep your father from opening your love-letters-? Miss Smart: Oh, I get my young man to write on tlie envelope the words, “Cigar price list,” and when he sees that he. throws the letter unopened into the waste paper basket, and I pic£ them out' when his back is turned. MONEY IN POLITICS. The pompous U.S.A. Judge glared sternly over his spectacles ,at the tattered prisoner who had: been dragged before the Bar of justice on a pharge of vagrancy. “Have you ever earned a dollar in your life?” he asked in scorn. “Yes, your Honor,” was the ' response. “I voted for you at the last election,” . THEATRICAL NOTE. A school inspector was examining a class in divinity. “Now, Tommy,” he said, “why did Joseph’s brothers put him in the pit?” “Because he had a coat of many colours,” replied the boy. “Yes, but what has that to do with liis being put in the pit?” “Well,” hazarded the boy, “if he’d had a dress suit on they might have put him in the stalls.” EXPLAINED. Two Scots went to a friend’s houseon a special occasion, and were hospitably entertained. So hospitably, in fact, that on their way back one of them sat down by the side of the road and began to weep. “I canna’ remember the bride’s face,” he wailed. “1 canna remember the bride’s bonnie wee face.” "Hold your tongue, ye fule,” growled the other. “It was a funeral.” ONCE TOO OFTEN. A mechanic who worked for a weekly wage was overpaid ten shillings. The pay clerk discovered the mistake, but, like the workman, said nothing about it. The following Saturday found the workman’s wages short of 10s. Indignantly he marched back to the office. “Here,” he said, “you’ve made a mistake. My pay is 10s short.” “When I paid you 10s too much last week,” said the clerk, “you didn’t say anything about it, did you?” “Well, that was just one mistake,” replied the mechanic. “When you make two mistakes I reckon it is time for me to begin to complain.” FOR THE DEFENCE. The court was silent, except for the clear-cut tones of defending counsel. Everyone hung on his words, and many thought that he would easily win his . „ “And now, gentlemen of the jury, ha began to wind up, “1 ask you—where could the prisoner have hidden tho watch? Not in his pocket. The constable has already told you that tho man was searched. Not in his nliocs —tho watch was too large. Then where was it hidden?” Ho paused dramatically for effect; during tho pause tho prisoner ventured: — , ~ ‘‘Please, sir, I put it under my at.

CHEEK. A large store received a letter from a country customer ordering a razor: “Please find enclosed 15 shillings for one of your famous razors as advertised. and’ oblige.—William Mayhew. “P.S.: 1 forgot to enclose the 15 shillings. but no doubt a firm of your high standing will forward the razor to me." The firm received the letter and replied:— "Dear Sir, —Your valued order received yesterday, and we have much pleasure in forwarding one of our famous razors as ordered. —Yours faithfully, Takedown and Co. “i’.S.: We forgot to enclose the? razor, but no doubt a man with your cheek will have no need for it." i