WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 15 June 1935, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

OBVIOUS. Lady (to new maid): I am not difficult to please, Jane. Maid (cordially): 1 could see that, mum, as soon as I set eyes on the master. SUITABLE. “Did you make your boy a shoemaker, after all?” “No, his mother and me talked it over, and, as he was so fond of animals, we’ve apprenticed him to a butcher.” PLAY TIME. Old Lady (reading paper): Well, well, 1 never knew that our firemen were so childish. It says here that after the flames were extinguished the firemen played on the ruins for some hours. HAD EXPERIENCE. Said he, nervously: “1 say, what on earth will your father say when he knows we are engaged?” “Oh,” she answered, “lie’ll be simply delighted; he always is.” FULL INSTRUCTIONS. ' Hostess (at children’s party): What time are you expected home, dear? Little Girl (demurely): I don’t know, but mother said I hadn't to miss anything. NOT TOO BAD. Jones: Good morning, Brown! Heard the news? Brown: No, tell me. Jones: Well, Jackson cut his tongue out. Brown: Goodness! What for? Jones: To g'et his boot on!

THE BRUTE A young angler related to me Of a fish that he’d caught in the Dee; He said, “Only by strength Did 1 get it at length, And the river went down six-foot three.” MUST BE OLD. Tourist: Quaint old church. Seen ancient history, I suspect. Proud Native: Ancient! That church is so bld the shadow .from the bell when tolled has worn a hole in the back of the belfry. CAUSE AND EFFECT. The secretary of the death and dividend club went to the colliers and said: “We have had so many die lately that we shall have to put a levy of a shilling on all of you.” One old collier replied in grumbling tones: “As long as we keep payin’ they’ll keep dyin’.” QUITE EASY. “Have you ever run over anybody?” asked the boy of the taxi-driver. “No,” replied the man, “but I once ran over myself." “How could that be?” asked, the boy. “Well,” replied the man, “I once asked a boy to go across the road for some petrol and, as he wouldn’t do it, 1 just ran over myself.” A BAD START.

“I grovel here in the dust at your feet,” exclaimed the impassioned young.suitor, as. he sank on his knees before his adored one in the parlour. “'Dust! Dust. Do you mean to insult me?" she gasped. “And after 1 spent the whole morning cleaning the room!” ONE ENOUGH ” " Showman: Walk up!. Pantomime lust about to commence. This way for “The Forty Thieves.” Front seat, sir? Thank you. George, .rihow the gentleman in. Gentleman (counting change): You needn’t trouble. I don’t want to see the other thirty-nine. THE PESSIMIST The Brigadier: Now, Captain SmituJones, suppose you found your company completely cut qff from the rest ci the battalion —inaccessible mountains around you, a raging torrent before you, hopelessly outnumbered and entirely surrounded by the enemy. What would you do? Captain Smith-Jones: By jove, sir! You are a. pessimist! MISSED! A young lady, noted for her lack of tact, had called on the wealthy, but rather elderly bride, who was relating her recent experiences with gusto. “And do you know, my. dear, that on the third day of our honeymoon, George wqn a prize in the Irish Sweep!” “Good heavens!” blurted out the young caller, “three days too late!”

NOT SO PAINLESS. Mandy had been troubled with a toothache for some time before she got up sufficient, courage to go to a dentist. The moment he touched the tooth she screamed. “AVhat are you making such a noise for?” he demanded. “Don’t you know I’m a painless dentist?” “Well, sah,” retorted Mandy, “mebbe you is painless, but ah isn’t!” AS USUAL. Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were returning home along a moonlit country lane in their trap after a long and strenuous day’s shopping. Hubby was on the point of sleeping but his wife was still full of go. Suddenly she exclaimed: “Oh, James, what a lovely moon!

“Yes,” murmured James, wearily, “I suppose you want it. How much is it?”

BEST “BARRED”!

The editor of the magazine laid down the MS he was perusing.

“AAffioever wrote this story,” said he to the “sub.” “is surely an ex-metal worker or boilerman!” “Why?” asked the other. ‘‘Listen to this,” said the editor, and read as follows: —“Marmaduke was a man of iron nerve. He gave a metallic laugh, while his steely eyes were riveted Io the railway lines.” HIS MISTAKE.

An enthusiastic supporter of the local football team arrived at' the ground one day and saw a load of bricks there.

He approached the club secretary and asked, “Wouldn't half-bricks have been better?”

“Half-bricks!” replied the secretary. “We couldn’t build a pavilion with half-bricks.”

“Oh! Are they for a pavilion?” said the supporter. “My mistake. 1 thought they were for the referee:”

WHERE’D HE BEEN?

A num arrived home in the small hours of the morning and nervously let himself in at the front door. For a while he stood silent in the hall, wondering if he had been heard, but when no sound came he proceeded to take off his shoes and creep noiselessly up the stairs. Stealthily he crept into the bedroom, and with the greatest to j crawled into bed. Then, witli a sigh of relief, ho wont, to sleep.

In the morning' he looked round for his wife, and then suddenly remembered she had been staying- with an mint for (he past week.