WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 29 December 1934, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

HANDY. One of the tricks of ju-jitsu is to grip a man so that he can’t hurt you. A sort of safety-pin. FATAL ERRORS. “What’s up, old chap? You look fed up with life.” “I am. 1 forgot my wife’s birthday this morning, bift remembered her age!” HELPFUL. A concertina player remarks that he always takes his instrument on holiday with him for the sake of practice. Motoring holiday-makers get just the same sort of exercise with a road-map. CORRECT. Fortune-teller: I see a great disappointment for somebody near you. Client: Y-yes. That’s quite trub. I have left my purse at home and am unable to pay you. THE REASON. Mistress: Jane, these banisters always seem to be dusty. I was at Mrs. Benson’s to-day, and hers are as bright as glass. Jane: She has three small boys, mum. LOOKING- UP. The theatre manager, after a. week of a highbrow production, was talking to the commissionaire. “Well, George, how. is.it going?” “Better and better, sir! Fewer and fewer are leaving the theatre before the end of the show.” EXPERIENCE TEACHES.Son: Father, I want to get married. Father: No my boy, you are not wise enough. Son: And when shall I be wise enough? Father: When you get rid of the idea that you want to get married. VERBAL. A: Then we are. agreed? B: Yes. Shall we sign the contract? A: A verbal contract does for friends. B: No. Last time I had a verbal contract I only got a verbal salary. CANARY SCORES. A. schoolmistress was talking about birds and their habits. “Now,” she said, “at home I have a canary, and it can do something 1 cannot do. I wonder if any of you know just what that thing is?” Little Eric raised his hand. “I know, teacher,” he said. “Take a bath in a saucer!”

FATHER'S SHARE. A newly-married woman was showing off to a friend the treasures of her home 1 ,, including a neat sports car. “1 suppose your father got you that?" said the visitor. “Not likely,’’ was the indignant reply. “George wouldn’t accept such a thing. All that father pays for is the rent and the housekeeping expenses.” THE RULES. A village cricket match was delayed for some time owing to the absence of an umpire. The home skipper, recognising an acquaintance in the crowd, asked the man to officiate. He was willing to do so. “Aw reet,” said the skipper. “We’re fielding first. Whenever you hear anybody shout Huzzat? You say ‘Out.’ Later on, when we go in to bat I’ll tell thee a bit more.” WAITING. Mr. and Mrs. Newrich had been invited to a grand dinner, and not being used to such splendour they were rather awestruck. When Mr. Newrich was handed his soup he gazed perplexedly at it and made no attempt to drink it. After about five minutes he leaned over to his neighbour, and in a husky whisper said: “When are they going to bring me my Yorkshire pudding? I’ve only got the gravy yet.” NOT WELCOMED. The new clerk had been sent to try to obtain settlement of a long outstanding account. He returned very quickly. . “Well,” said the boss, “what happened? Was there any attempt at evasion on his part this time?” The new clerk dolefully shook his head. “Yes and no," he replied. ‘Actually the evasion was on my part. He tried to kick me out.” IT PLEASED HIM. “Brown,” said the big business man to his bookkeeper. “You look very happy this morning. What are you rejoicing over?” .twins, sir,” said the bookkeeper. “I’m happy because of the birth of twins.”

The big business man thrust out his hand. “Congratulations," he smiled, “and “Oh,” exclaimed Brown, “don’t congratulate me! Congratulate Thomson, my worst enemy. He’s the lucky man.” SECOND BEST. Jones wrote to a firm applying for a post, and in his letter he said he was the best salesman in the world. The firm decided to try him out, and sent him on the road with a special line of goods. A month went by and Jones hadn’t sold a thing, and he naturally began to get disheartened. finally lie decided to return to town. “Well,” asked the manager, “how did you get on?” Jones groaned. “I’ve come to offer you an apology.” he said. “I told you J was the best salesman in the world. Well, I'm only tho second best. The best is the fellow who sold you that line of goods you sent me out to sell. HIS VERSION. The newly-appointed pastor of a negro church faced a packed audience when he arose to deliver his sermon on this burning question: “Is There a Hell?” “Bredren,” he said, “de Lord made the world round like a ball.” “Amen!” agreed the congregation. “And de Lord made two axles for de world to go round on, and He put ouo axle at de north pole and one axle at de souf pole.” “Amen!” cried the congregation. ■ “And de< Lord put a lot of oil and gteass in ds centre of de world so as to keen ds aides well greased and oiled.” “Amen!” said the congregation. “And then a lot of sinners dig wells in Pennsylvania and steal de Lord’s oil and grease. And dey dig wells in Kentucky. Louisiana, Oklahoma, and Texas, and in Mexico and Russia, and steal ds Lord’s oil and grease. And conic, day dey will have all of do Lord’s oil and grease, and dem axles is gonna get hot. And den, dat will be hell, bredren, dat will he hell!’’