WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 15 December 1934, Page 12

WEEK-END SMILES

RECOGNISED. Butler: Jour car is at the door, sir. Guest: I know? I heard it knocking. ONE GOOD THING. “Your opening sale, lias closed. What now?” “Our closing sale opens. NOT FAR. “And now how far is your house from the station?” “Only a five-minute walk if you run. DEFINITION. An economist is a man who knows what to do with another man s money if he has any. awkward. “Don’t come down the ladder, Mike, I’ve taken.it away.” Mike: Well, put it back. Im halfway down. ... ..' ■ .. WHAT DID HE MEAN? Patient: Yes, doctor, my bieathing worries me a lot. Doctor:; Don’t worry—l'll soon stop that. MOST UNCOMMON. Little Girl: Uncle Bob, you’re not married, are you? Uncle: No, Joan, I’m not. Little Girl: Then who tells you what you shouldn’t do, uncle? IN A HURRY. Connie: Look. I got a fourteen-page letter this morning from Tom. Doris: Coo! He must be in love with you. What does he sign himself. Connie: Yours in-haste.- . . HE KNEW. Bride: I cooked the supper to-night, darling. Guess what you’re going to get?” Groom: Indigestion. TROUBLE IN STORE. Maid: The.;master’s locked up for the night, ma’am. Mistress: Ob, I didn’t hear him come in ’Maid: He hasn’t, ma’am. They’ve just telephoned from the police station. POOR JOHNNY. johnny: I wish father hadn’t invented that new soap. Mother: Why? . Johnny: AVell, every time a customer comes in, I’m washed as a sample.

HOW DO THEY KNOW? “If I am the first, man you ever kissed, how is it you kiss so well?” “If I am the first girl you have ever kissed, how do you know I kiss well.

GIFT FOR MOTHER-IN-LAW. Dentist’s Wife: What shall we give mother for her birthday? . Dentist: “Tell her I will extract her teeth for nothing. HARD UP. “I can’t think what that extravagant fellow Smith does with his money. He had none the day before yesterday, none yesterday, and none to-day.” “Did he try to borrow off you?” “No. I tried to borrow off him..” PASSING IT ON. Jones: Good evening, old chap. Thought I'd drop in and see you about the overcoat you borrowed from me last week. Brown: Very sorry, old man, but I lent it to a friend of mine. Were you wanting it? . , , Jones: Well, I wasn t. wanting it, bu. the chap I borrowed it from says the owner wants it. NOT A CLIMBER. Mrs. Nurich was describing her travels to an envious audience. “And did you manage to get to South America?” asked one of the party. . ■ “Many, many time,” said Mrs Nurich. “In fact, I know the whole place from beginning to end. “What a wonderful time you must have had,” put in another. ‘T suppose you went up the Amazon?” “No,” replied Mrs. Nurich, "I’m afraid I didn’t. But my husband went to the top. You know. I never did care very much for climbing.” TOUGH. An Eastern potentate was dining at a London hotel when at attentive waiter noticed that a little glass containing quill toothpicks was empty. He promptly put some more toothpicks on the table. At this the potentate made an angry gesture, and. uttered some choleric sounds.

“What’s he say?” : the waiter asked of the interpreter, who replied: “His Highness says he has already eaten two and that he doesn’t like them.” EGOTISM. An actor who had just returned to London from Hollywood buttonholed a friend in the street one day and talked interminably about his recent successes in the States, the films he had starred in, etc. Finally he stopped and said graciously, “Oh, but I' fear I have talked too long about myself. Now, let’s talk about yourself—how did you like my last picture?” BRAINS AT A DISCOUNT. A ma'n applied at a well-kijown Yorkshire football club for a job. Being an old footballer, his application was being kindly considered. On being asked if he would like to take the money at one of the turnstiles, he replied: “Nay, I doan’t think I have t’ brains enough for that.” To which the official replied, “H’m! No brains, eh? Never mind. Tha’ can come and pick t’ team on Thursday .” BY REQUEST. The golfer nonchalantly stepped up to the tee and swung one of those carelessly careful drives. The ball sailed straight down the fairway, leaped gaily across the green, and dived into the hole like a -rabbit. . “What have you suddenly gone crazy about?” inquired the golfer’s wife, who was trying to learn something about the game. “Why. I just holed outjn one,” yelled the golfer, as he. essayed a double handspring with a wild gleam of delight in his eyes. “Did you?” sweetly said the little woman. “Please do it again, ,dear. I didn’t see you. A CHARACTER READING. An enthusiastic reader of a popular novelette publication sent a specimen of her sweetheart’s handwriting to the caligraphy expert on the staff of the paper. In her note the reader said: “Enclosed please Hilda specimen of my boy’s handwriting. Can you tell me if he is likely to make a good husband?” Back came the reply: “No. I’m afraid not, my deal - . He’s been a pretty rotten cne to me for three years. However. thanks for the evidence.”