WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 17 November 1934, Page 3

WEEK-END SMILES

WAITING FOR HIM. Hicks: I never take my troubles home with me from the office. Wicks: I don’t have to, either; mine’s usually there at home waiting for me. THIRTY DAYS! Judge: What were you doing in that place when it was raided? Locksmith: I was making a bolt for the door. ADD GOLF WOE. “When I put the ball where I can reach it,” said the stout golfer, when asked how he liked the game, “I can’t see it, and when I put it where I can see it, I can’t reach it.” TIT FOR TAT. Mother: If you go playing football in Mr Jones’ field again to-day I’ll tell the policeman. Tommy: And if you do I'll tell him we’ve got no wireless license. FRANK OPINION. Betty: Ho said I was the only woman he had ever loved. Joan: All the others must have been girls. NOT WORRYING. “I hear he’s financially embarrassed.” “Well, he’s deeply in debt, but it doesn’t seem to embrarrass him.” EXPLICIT. Sergeant (instructing sentry): Don’t stir a foot from your post, but keep walking up and down and see what you can hear.

HIS JOB. “Tom says he’s in touch with the heads of many organisations.’’ “Yes, he’s a barber.” TO SKIP. Very Stout Lady (to doctor): What slimming exercise do you recommend? Doctor: For the present you should skip a few meals each day. IT WORKED. Poet: Did you tell your family I was coming over this evening to read some of my verses’? Girl: Yes, and it worked like a charm. They’re all going out to the pictures. A DIFFICULT TASK. Mr Newlywed: Good heavens'. Whatever has happened. Mrs Newlywed: This cookery book says that any old cup without a handle will do for measuring, and it’s taken eleven to get the handle off without breaking the cup. A LONG WAY TO GO. He (at the dance): Dancing is in my blood, you know. She: Then your circulation must be poor. It hasn’t reached your feet yet! IN SELF-DEFENCE. “Sure, Flaherty, that’s a line family o’ bhoys ye’ve got.” “An' it’s true for yon to say so. I’ve never had to lift a hand to any o’ them except in self-defence.” GOOD IDEA. “When wo are married.” she said, “you won’t expect me to give up all my spinster ways, will you?” “No, dear,” he replied. “It would be a good idea to continue some of them

—getting your pocket money from your father, for instance.” WHY HE RAN. First Film Extra: So you had to eat your breakfast and run this morning? Second Film Extra: Yes, before the restaurant manager could make me pay for it. BRUSHED AWAY. Boss (to office boy): What untidy hair you have. When I was a 1 boy my hair was brushed every morning. Office Boy (meaningly): Yes, and just look you’ve done; you’ve swept it all away! HANDY. “Dr. Jiggins, the lunacy expert, is my uncle.’’ “Oh, how nice. You probably get cut rates on his services, don’t you.” GETTING READY. New Maid: May my sweetheart visit mo on Sunday afternoons? Mistress: Who is your sweetheart? New Maid: I don’t know yet—l am a stranger here. JEALOUSY. Wife (with determined air) I want to sec that letter. Husband: What letter. Wife: That one you just opened. I know by the handwriting that it is from a woman, and you turned pale when you rea<l it. I will see it. Give it to me, sir. Husband: Here it is. It's your milliner’s bill. IN COURT. Magistrate: Madam, your husband charges you with assault. Madam: Yes, your Worship. I asked him if he would ever cease to love me. and he was so slow in answering that I hit him in the eye with a mop. I’m only a woman, your Worship (tears), and a woman’s life without love is a mere blight. PUTTING IT BLUNTLY. The man who had stayed up in the city playing billiards with business friends was explaining to his wife whv he was late home.

“You see,” said he. “I was delayed at the station —I caught the ‘rushhour’ mob, and I had to wait in a line to get a ticket—er —” “I see.” said his wife, who knew his weakness for billiards. “You were at the end of a long cue!'’ HE WHO LAUGHS LAST. Back home in the small town Harry was telling his friends about a trip to London. “Jack thought it. was a great joke when I spoke to a waiter in French,” he said. “Very funny, too, I should think,” agreed an old school chum. “Yes, it was,” replied Harry. “I told him to give Jack the bill.” GOOD BUSINESS A coloured man who worked at odd jobs had just completed mowing a lawn, and the lady who employed him came out. to settle his bill. “How much do I owe you, Sam?” “Now, Mrs Harris, I ain’t gwfne to set no price.” “Why not?” “It’s this way, Mrs Harris; I’d a lot rather have the 75 cents which you’ll give me than the 50 cents which I’d charge you.”