WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 10 November 1934, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

JOAN’S LUCK “Joan was lucky in catching such a rich husband.” “Yes, but her luck has deserted her.” ANSWERED “Why, asks a tailor, is the average man so shabby? Usually because his wife isn’t.” EASILY ARRANGED “I told him he mustn’t See me any more.” ' “And what did ho do?” “Re‘turned out the'lights.” MATRIMONIAL MURMUR “I’m going' to give you a piece"of my mind.” ’ ' ' , , “Just a small helping, please, darling.” THE CONDITION She: Give me a week to think your pfciposhl over. He: Sure. If I’m not married in that time I’ll let you know.” NOTORIETY First Man: Lots of people have rolled my name in the mud. Second Man: How is that? First Man: I am a. tyre manufacturer. REASSURING Inspector: It isn’t healthy to have your house built so close to the pigpen. Farmer: Well, I dunno. We amt lost a pig in fifteen years. ........ . WONDERFUL “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could gather all our old school friends together, again.” “Yes, then maybe I could collect some of the money they still owe me.” VERY SHY Mistress: Mary, I am surprised to find you entertaining your, young man in the kitchen. Mary: Yes, mum, but he’s so shy he won’t come into the drawingroom with the other visitors. SIGN LANGUAGE Haughty Mistress: I am a woman ot few words. If I beckon with my finger, that means come. New Maid: That suits me, mum. I’m a woman of few words myself. If I shake me head, that means I ain’t coming. • ■■■■ < , , ■ , A LONG SHOT ■ “Yes, madam,” the postal clerk said, “this parcel will be ajl right. , But, as a matter of fact, you have put threeha’pence too much in :stamps on it.” “Oh, dear,” the old lacly replied, “how awkward. I do hope it won’t be sent too far!” . SOME SHEPHERD “Yes, sir,” panted the ...new shepherd. “1 got all the sheep in, but I had to run hard for those lambs.” “Lambs! I have no lambs. Let’s see what you’ve got.” was. the reply. Looking into the shed, the astonished owner saw fourteen panting rabbits. DIET A record price was paid for ’a rare moth. We understand that it is fed exclusively on 'best quality dinner jacket: RESULTS “I hear you have a garden. I suppose things are growing rapidly?” “Yes, the neighbour’s hens grow fatter every time they got info it.” HIS CONTRIBUTION Brown: I see Smith’s got a motorcar. Greene: Yes;, rich uncle gave it to him. Bro- n: Why, he told.me he. put all the' m-. ney he had into it. Greene: So he did.- He bought four gallon of petrol. IS THIS A RECORD? Mrs Maloney was telling her neighbour ihat she had just received a telegr; m stating that her. soldier son had ai.'ived safely in India that morning. The neighbour was amazed by the news. “What!” she exclaimed. “That seems impossible, Mrs Maloney., The telegram must have travelled at a terrific speed.” “Shv.re, and faith it must have,” said the proud mother. “Would Ve believe it, when I received the envelope. the gum on it was still-moist.!/’ ; CHIEF OFFENDER One of the witnesses was unused to the ways of the law. After a severe cross-examination, counsel paused, and then, putting on a look of Severity, exclaimed: “Has hot an effort been made to induce you to tell a different story?” ■ “A different story from what I told, sir?” “That is what 1 mean.” “Yes,, sir; several persons tried to get me to tell a different story from what I have told, but they couldn’t.” “Now, sir, upon your path, I wish to know who those persons are.” “Well, I think you’ve tried about as hard as any of them.”

HOW STRANGE Two young men were walking home rather unsteadily after a late night at their club. Presently they stopped under a lamppost and one of them leaned heavily on his friend. “Do you know,” he said, with a faraway look in his eyes, “that when I was born I only weighed one pound two ounces?” “’Sordinary!” said the other weakly. “Did you live?” , ’ “Rather!” saidjho first. “You ought to see me now."" I weight twelve stone.” POSSIBLY The teacher was telling his class about the conquests of Alexander the Great; He made the tale a stirring one. “When Alexander had conquered India,” he said, “what do you think he did. Do you think lie gave a great feast to celebrate his trumph? No; he sat down and wept.” The children seemed a little disappointed at this exhibition on the part of the hero, but the teacher continued: "Now, why do you think Alexander •wept?” ho asked. ■ - Up went a little hand. “Well, Tommy?” said the teacher. “Please, sir,” said Tommy hesitatingly, “perhaps he didn’t know the wav back.” .