WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 14 July 1934, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

PROVERBIALLY “Waiter, it’s half an hour since I ordered that turtle soup.” “Sorry, sir, but you know how slow turtles are.” AMBIGUOUS. “Do make yourselves at home,” remarked the hostess affably. “I am at home myself, and wish you all were.” DEFENCE Customer (indignantly.) : When I bought this dog you said he was splendid for rats. AVhy, he won’t even touch them. Dealer: Well, what more d’you want? Ain’t that splendid for rats? CONSIDERATE Still another definition of a gentleman is: “One who can play the saxophone, but doesn’t.” LIKE A ROCK “Is this applicant steady?” “Steady? He’s practically motionless!” THE NEEDFUL Cashmore: What it takes Io win women; I’ve got. Badlybent: Then lend me a tenner. WORTH BELIEVING "Do you believe in heredity?” “Absolutely! That's how I got all my money.” A GOOD GAME She: I’ve found a needle. He (fed up): Well, find a haystack and we’ll have some fun.

ONE FOR HIS NOB A Scotsman came across an American who was gazing at the Forth Bridge, and the American said. “Say, what is that bit of iron that is protruding over the water there?” “I dinna ken,” replied the Scotsman. “It wasna there yesterday!” SO DID HE Young Wife: How did you like the pastry, John? I took great pains with it. John (gloomily): So did I, my dear. PUTTING ON NO HAIRS “Who was that man you raised your hat to?” "My Barber. lie sold me a bottle of hair-restorer a month ago, and I’m letting him see what a fraud he is.” BAD MEDICINE “Oh, he’s all right if you take him in the right way.” “Perhaps so, but I don’t like people who have to be labelled like medicine bottles.” SPLENDID Father (to son at end of school term): Well, my boy, what results have we this term? Son: Not so bad, dad. I am next to the top boy when we stand round in a ring. QUALIFIED Captain: Will you join our cricket club, sir? New Resident: Well, really. I’m afraid 1 know absolutely nothing about the game. I couldn’t do anything but umpire. HIS SEAT PROVIDED “See that man,over there? He’s one of those go-ahead sort of fellows who always get a seat on an omnibus.” “I know. One of the forceful type.” “Not at all. He’s a bus driver.” OUT Basham, the boxer, had been signed up to fight a huge negro. On the eve of the match his backer nodded towards Basham’s room and inquired of his trainer: “Fit?” “Yus,” came the report. “’E’s in one now. ’E’s just seen ’is opponent.” INDIRECT ADVICE Visiting one of the outlying parts of the electorate, the candidate explained his policy. Then he said, “And now, would anyone like to ask me a question?” “Yes,” replied a man witli a powerful voice, “what time does your train leave?” NOT A COMPETITOR A mother was trying to explain to her two small children \yhat good manners meant, so she held out one large and one small piece of chocolate, saying, “Now, I want to see which of you has the better manners,” “Oh, Tommy has,” said Mildred, snatching the larger piece.

LEAJ IN ING BAN KING

A father said: “Now, son, begin saving the pennies and put them in this yellow box, and when you get six pennies give them to me and I’ll give you sixpence and you can pul that in the blue box; then, when you get two sixpences give them to me and I’ll give you a shilling, and you can put it in this red box." Years later the boy discovered that the red box was a. slot, gas meter. WINGED RICHES “‘Riches,’” said the teacher, ‘take unto themselves wings and fly away.’ Now, what kind of riches does the writer mean?” He started round the class but only blank looks met his gaze. “Surely someone can answer a question like that. You, John,” said the teacher. “What kind of riches did the writer mean?”

John hesitated for a moment; then, “Ostriches, sir,” he replied. SEE?

He had lust his left leg in an accident, so his right was left. His left leg was not. left, because it. was amputated, and his left leg was right. If he had lost his right leg instead of his left, his left leg would have been left, instead of his right. Of course, that’s not right, for his right leg was left, and not. his left. He was thankful that his right was left right, for his left leg had never been right. ABSENT-MINDED Professor Pimplebody blinked across the table and addressed the black-coat-ed figure standing immediately opposi t c. “Waiter,” he piped weakly, “half an hour ago—or was it an hour ago?—l ordered a lunch. Have I had it? Have you forgotten it? Didn’t I order it? Or —er—-isn’t it?"

“Sir,’’replied the black-cooated one frostily, “this establishment does not cater for the inner man, .nor does it encourage talk. This, my dear sir, is the public library!”