WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 12 May 1934, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

KITCHEN COMMENT “Anyone would think I’m nothing but a cook in the house.” “Not after eating a meal here, dear.” LOW LIFE. Phrenologist: May I read your bumps? Subject: I ain't ’ad no bumps since my old man gave up the booze! UNWELCOME. Doctor: You should take a bath before you retire. Patient: But, doctor, I don’t expect to retire for another twenty years yet. COCKTAIL CHATTER. “They are keeping their engagement secret, aren’t they?” “Well, that’s what they keep telling everybody.” CLUB COMMENT. “Can you give her the luxuries to which she has been accustomed, old chap?” n “Not much longer. That’s why I want to get married.” DRESSING ROOM DIALOGUE. “When the producer asked mo my age, I couldn’t remember whether 1 was 34 or 35.” “And what did you tell him, darling?” “Eighteen! ”

PRIOR CLAIM. After three weeks’ hard drinking, Sandy and Mclntosh decided to sign the pledge. “In case o’sickness,” suggested Sandy, “we maun line a bottle of wliuskcy in th’ hoose.” “That’s richt." assented Mclntosh. Sandy withstood the drought for two days. "Mac." ha said to Mclntosh, “Im ver’ ill.” “Too late!” replied Sandy. “I was ill all day yesterday.” GIVING HIM A HINT. A young referee was appointed to officiate at a keen local cup tie. A little nervous, he was late in. arriving. As he made his way to the pavilion he noticed four men with crutches seated near the touchline. They were from the nearby convalescent home, hut of course, the referee didn’t know. “I can’t allow this,” he said to the secretary of the home club, who met him. "Who are these mon. anyway?” “Ch. just a few of the. referees who’ve been here this season.” came •he reply. "They’ve come to watch the inn. as it were!” DISGUISED. A young bore was showing a sweet, young thing his collection of Eitstj African trophies. Among them was I fin:-..' buffalo head. ( “! had a deuce of a job with that I buffalo,” be said. “Spied him at daybreak: never had such a morning in my lit';'. I shot him in my pyjamas.” “In your pyjamas!” exclaimed the girl. "Good heavens!” How did it get. into them?” THE ONLY WAY. A Scots undertaker could not get one of his clients to pay the last instalment for his mother-in-law's funeral, so calling one morning, lie said,

-Sandy, if Uiat 5/ isn’t paid by Saturday, up she comes.” MOST LIKELY. Wife (sorrowfully): I’ve just received a letter from pool- mamma. She says she is feeling very seedy. Husband (with a grunt): Um. I suppose that means she is going to plant herself on us. CHECKMATE. “More money,” exclaimed his angry father, “you’re always wanting money! It’s like a game of chessnothing but cheque, cheque, cheque!” “But if you don’t give .me more money.” replied his son, “it will be even more, like a game ol chess pawn, pawn, pawn.” SOFT Betty: Really, I do think sheep are the most, stupid creatures living! Bert: Yes, they aie, my lamb. A TRYING MATE The wife of the great botanist beamed at him across the supper table. , ... “But these,’ she exclaimed, pointing to the dish of mushrooms that had been set before her, “are not all for me, Ethelbert, are they?’ “Yes, Bertha,” he replied, smiling. “I gathered them especially for you with my own hands.” She beamed upon him gracefully What a dear, unselfish old husband he was! In a few minutes she had eaten them all. At breakfast, the next morning he greeted her anxiously. “Sleep all right?” he inquired. “Splendidly,’’ she answered. “Not sick at all —no pains?” he pressed. “Why, of course not, Ethelbert,’ she responded. “Hurrah, then!” he exclaimed. “1 have discovered another species, oi mushroom that isn't poisonous. SURPRISING Pillie's big sister had been married, and on the night of the ceremony his mother gave him a piece of the cake to put under his pillow. “Well, darling.-” she asked next morning, “did you dream of your future wife?”

“No, mummy," said Billie, “I rated the cake because I want my wife to be a surprise!" ROUGH. Mrs Newly was recounting to an acquaintance the thrilling events of the night before, when the house had been burgled. “As a matter of fact," she said, “we were eating our soup—" “Then, of course," interrupted the candid friend, "none of you heard any tiling." SO EARLY IN THE MORNING. Former Giles had a. way of culling his cowman curly, lie went t;> the foot of the loft. With a voice like u megaphone, he slioutud: "Gorge, Garge. time to get up--four o'clock Monday morning, to-morrow’- ''’u: • • day, then conies Wednesday. Here’s half the week gone and no work 'lone. Get up. you lazy bones; there’s sleep enough in the grave.” NEEDED. “I never give io miss-ions." whispered ;> rnan us a collection-plute v.us hold out. “'Chen take, something out of th? plate.” replied the collector. “the money is tor the heal lieu."