WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 14 April 1934, Page 3

WEEK-END SMILES

Irish Workman: I’ve been pushing this ’ere bell for half an hour. I don’t reckon anyone’s in.

Neighbour: What have you come for? . Irish Workman: To mend the front door bell. The sportswoman of the family wired home to sister: “Can’t you join me? Trying to hook large-mouth bass.” The city sister wired back: “Sorry. Busy trying to hook small-mouth tenor.” “Wife home from the mountains, Jim?” “Just got back.” “Didn’t she stay longer than usual?” “Yes. Couldn’t afford to leave there while there were so many to tip. She had to stay until most of them were gone.” Father: My son, I don’t like to think that you are at the bottom of the class! Son: I can’t see that it matters, pa. They teacli the same things at both ends.

In an Indiana college town a student called at a boarding-house to inquire about rooms.

“And what do you charge for your rooms?” he asked. “Five dollars up,” was the reply. “Yes, but I’m a student,” he said, thinking the price a little high. “That being the case, the price is five dollars down,” replied the landlady, who had had experience.

Constable (to airman who has made forced landing in country lane): You’ll have to move this obstruction. When you’re on the ground, you come under motoring laws. Airman: If I’d fallen into a pond would I come under shipping regulations?

Boss: So you know the fellow who stole your car? Friend: Sure! I see him every day. Boss: Then why don’t you have him arrested? Friend: I’m just waiting till he puts on a new set of tyres.

Mother: How do you like your new French music teacher, Joan? Joan: Oh, he's such a polite man, mother. When I made a mistake yesterday he said', “Pray, mademoiselle, why do you take such pains to improve Beethoven?’’

Football Club Secretary: We are in rather a bad way. The gates are falling off, for one thing. Sympathiser: Well, cannot you get a joiner to repair them?

Lidy: I’m sorry for yer, ’avin’ a 'usband that’s everlastin’ singin’. My cld man sings abart once a year. Her Neighbour: In his bath, I suppose !

“My girl always talks behind my back.”

“Really! And do you stand that?” “I have to. You see, she rides pillion to me.’’

“What’s happened to old Jones? [ haven’t seen him for some time?” “Oh! He went on a Government ■mission to get inside information of

cannival life in the Pacific, and I think he must have got it.” A company promoter was trying to raise capital for a new scheme. “I’m telling you,” he said to the financier, “it will make gigantic strides later on. Just now, of course, it’s only in its infancy.” “Perhaps,” said the financier, “but I’m not in mine.” She (gushingly): Professor, what do you think of my voice? He (frankly): Well, madam, it reminds nie of tooth paste. She: Er —tooth paste, professor? He: Yes! You squeeze it, and it comes out flat! “I must buy a present,” said Mrs X. “You know Aunt Hilda gave us that big picture, and we ought to reciprocate.” “Reciprocate? For that picture!” exclaimed Mr, X. “You mean retaliate.” Alpine Climber (dangling in space): W-what happens if the rope breaks? Guide: Now, don’t you worry about that, sir. I’ve plenty more at home. Admirer, (to famous ski-runner) : Have you ever fallen into a crevasse? Admired: I spent two days in one once. Admirer: Good heavens! Weren’t you terrified? Admired: Well, as a matter of fact, it left me cold.

A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a doctor to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment. “I suppose you must have had a great deal of experience with this disease?” said the sufferer. Tho doctor smiled wisely, and replied: “Why, my dear sir, I’ve had bronchitis myself for over fifteen years.”

The lady who, in her excitement, had stepped smartly on the accelerator instead of on the foot-brake, and’ whose car had butted heartily into a tradesman’s van, was being questioned by the policeman later. “Did you take all possible steps to avoid the accident?’’ he asked. “Certainly I did,” answered the culprit.

“)Vhat did you do?” “Well—er—l shut my eyes and I screamed like anything.”

Mr Newlywed: Did you put the button on my blazer? Mrs Newlywed: I couldn’t find it, darling; so I sewed up the buttonhole very neatly.

Film director: In this scene you are blown up and caught by an aeroplane.

Actor: Yes; but what if the aeroplane isn't there? Director: Oh, don’t wait—just come down again.

“Is it right that old Brown has been fined for smuggling some Eau de Cologne past the Customs?” “Yes; he couldn’t throw' the officials off the scent.”

Irate Caller: “You spoiled my article by a misprint.” Editor: "I’m sorry. What did we get. wrong?” “A proverb I employed. You printed it, ‘A word to the wife is sufficient.’ ”