WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 10 February 1934, Page 3

WEEK-END SMILES

QUITE TRUE. A schoolmaster was giving a lesson on wasted energy to a- class of* boys, illustrating his subject by various examples as to how energy could be wasted. At the conclusion of the lesson the master asked the boys if any of them could give an example ot wasted energy. Instantly a hand shot up. “Well, Johnnie, can you, give me an example?” “Please, sir, telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed man.” QUITE RIGHT. “Now, boys, how do you pronounce this word?” and the teacher proceeded to write on the blackboard, “Restaurant.”

Some said “Resteront,” others “Resterong.” When they had all finished the teacher remarked, “Well, those who say 'Resterong’ are right, and the Resterong.” AND LONG BEFORE. “Isn’t radio marvellous? See, just by turning a knob I can get practically anything that is on the air,” quoth the wireless fiend. When a comedian had cracked a joke over the ether the radio fan’s guest ejaculated: “Marvellous! Just fancy, a machine being able to pick up a thing that’s been on the air since grandfather was a lad!” CONVERSION. A man stood on a bridge contemplating sucide, when he was approached by a genial stranger, who said: “Wait! Before committing this rash act, talk it over with me for fifteen minutes.” Whereupon the two walked over to a bench and conversed for fifteen minutes. After which, arm in arm, they walked to the bridge and jumped over together. IT WAS SUCCESSFUL. “Are you still bothered by those relatives of yours who come down from town to eat a big Sunday dinner and never invite you in return?” asked Mrs Smith.

“No,” said the unfortunate victim, “they finally took the hint.” “What did you say to them?” asked Mrs Smith eagerly. “Nothing was said,” explained the other, “but we served sponge cake every time they came.” A HINT Modern Wooer: I say. old thing, may I attend your wedding? She: Why, I’m not even engaged. He: Oh, as bridegroom, I mean. HORTICULTURE “My dear Mrs Croesus, may I put your name down for tickets to Professor Pundit’s course on Buddhism?” “Oh, by all means! You know how passionately fond I am of flowers.” A GREAT IDEA “Mummie, if I were a magician I should turn everything into chocolates.” “But you could not eat so many chocolates.” “I could. I should turn myself into an elephant.”

THE TEST “Darling, will you be my wife?” . “Will you always let me do just what I like?” “Certainly.” “Can mother live with us?” “Of course, dear.” “Will you give up the club and always give me money when I ask for it?” “Willingly, my pet.” ! “I’m sorry. I could never marry such a booby.” TROUBLE AHEAD Timid Wife (to husband who has fallen asleep at the wheel): I don’t mean to dictate to you, George, but isn’t that telegraph pole coming at us awfully fast?”

FROM A HEIGHT A meek little man whose wife had recently died was walking along with a friend, when a builder accidentally let fall a brick on his head. “Gosh!” said the widower. “Sarah must have got to Heaven after all!” A LONG DISTANCE A Virginian family was training a coloured girl from the country in her duties as maid. After answering the telephone the first day she brought no message. “What was that, Sara?” inquired her mistress later. “’Twaren’t nobody, ma’am,” replied the maid, “jes’ a lady sayin’, ‘lts a long distance from New York,’ and I says, ‘Yes, ma’am, it sho is’ !”

RETICENCE The lady appeared at the paying tel-1 ler’s window, and inquired, “How much money did my husband draw out of this bank last week?” “I am unable to furnish you with such information,” replied the man. “Well, aren’t you the paying teller?” insisted the lady. “Yes, madam,” was the rejoinder, “but I’m not the telling payer.’” CALLING HIS BLUFF “Trina, I could die for your sake.” “You are always saying that, but you never do it.” ADAM LIKED IT, TOO The preacher was reading the Scripture when an old lady broke in: “What kind of a Bible are you using, parson?” ' “I’m reading from the revised version,” he answered. “H’m!” she said. “The King James versiqn was good enough for St. Paul and it’s good enough for me.” LOVE’S YOUNG DREAM “Daughter,” said the father, “is that young man serious in his intentions?” “Guess he must be, dad,” she replied. “He’s asked how much I make, what kind of meals we have, and how you and mother are to live with.” I I SIX TO FIVE ON THE FIDDLES I She (at concert): What’s that book the conductor keeps looking at? He: That’s the score of the overture.’ She: Oh, really, who’s winning? KEEPING THEM AWAY “Are you bothered much by tramps and beggars?” the visitor from the city asked the farmer. “Not now, sorr,” said the man of the soil, “but I used to be.” “How did you put a stop to it. asked the visitor. . “I put up a notice on the barn dooi, and when tramps see it they themselves scarce,” the farmer told “I suppose it was a notice, ‘Beware of the Dog,’ eh?” replied the other knowingly. , , „ “No, just ‘Good Workmen Wanted, said the farmer.