WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 15 July 1933, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

ANOTHER BARK ' First Burglar: Hist! What was that? Was it a dog? Second Burglar: No, it was only me barking my shins against a chair. NOW NECESSITIES Wife: Before we were married you used to send round a dozen roses every week. Husband: Roses are easy. This week I’m going to' send round two tons of coal and a joint of beef. NARROW ESCAPE Briggs, the bachelor, nodded his head a trifle thoughtfully. “See that woman over there, Jack?” he said. “I owe a great deal of my happiness to her. “Really!” said Jack, rather puzzled. “How’s that?”

“Five years ago I asked her to marry me,” explained the other. “Yes, and ” asked Jack. “She wouldn’t,” came the reply in tones of relief. IRISH PRECAUTION Mrs Casey: Me sister writes me that every bottle we sent her in that box was broken. Are you sure you printed “This side up with care” on it? Casey: Oi am. An’ lest they wouldn’t see it on the top, 01 printed it on the bottom as well. WHAT BETTER COURSE The engagement of a daughter had been announced. A friend, calling, was met at the door by the maid, who announced: No, Miss Alice isn’t at home this afternoon—she has gone to the class. “What class?” inquired the visitor. ■ “You know, Miss Alice is going to be married in the Spring,” explained the maid, “an’ she’s taking a course in domestic silence.” SOUND ADVICE. Workman (discussing an insurance claim): I tell yer, mate, yer must send the claim in writing. A verbal message ain’t worth the paper it’s written on. THE PASSING. “And can you tell me what were his last words?” asked the reporter, seeking material for a local celebrity’s obituary notice. “He had no last words,” was the reply. “You’d better just say his dear wife was with him to the end.” HAVE YO U HEAR D TH IS? An inquisitive old lady was asking a* sailor about his experiences in the Navy. “But what rank did you hold?” she said. “Ship’s optician, lady.” . “Ship’s optician? I, never knew there was such a rank in the Navy. What did your duty consist of?” “Scraping the eyes out of the potatoes, lady.” BRIEF. Fred was being sent to a boardingschool. “Now,” said his father, “when you write don’t send mo pages and pages describing all the pupils, where they come from, and what class they are in, because I really shall not have time to read it all.” A few weeks later his father received the following letter: — Dear Father: 5.0.5., L.S.D., R.S.V.P. —Fred. ROOM TO SPARE.

The minister was leaving the church after evening service when a member of his congregation stopped him and said: “I like to come to church when you are 'preaching, sir.” “I’m glad to hear that.” replied the minister. “It’s niie to know that

somebody appreciates my sermons.” “Oh, it’s not that,” replied the woman. “I mean, it’s so easy to get a seat, even when I arrive late.” STUDYING FOR THE LAW. A young barrister, in a harrying cross-examination of a landlady, was trying to discredit her boarding-house in the eyes of the jury. She spoke of certain lodgers who never went out at night, and the barrister pounced upon her at once. “A queer set ofpeople seem to live in your house, madam,” he said. “Are they training for monks, or is there some reason for hiding themselves from the public?” “No, sir,” replied the landlady. “They’re studying for the law.” DAMAGED. John, bred and born in the country, had secured a post as shop assistant at an outfitter’s shop. His enthusiasm was far greater than his experience, as witness his discomfiture when a lady asked for an evening gown. He had never seen one, but seeing a box marked “Smart evening gown,” he extracted the dress and held it up before his customer. “What is the price?” she asked. • “W T ell,” said John, as he studied the gown, “it is marked at five guineas, but I notice the back out, so you can have it for ten bob.” WELL MEANT. Wilson: How would you like to be the widow of the man who has just left his wife half a pillion? His Wife: You know I’d gather bo yours. BIRDLIKE. “Don’t you think my daughter sings beautifully?” asked the hostess of the silent sufferer. “Just like a bird,” tie answered, as he gazed up at the tormentor singing from the balcony. “As,” sighed the mother, “so clear, you mean ?” “Not at all,” he answered grimly, “but that she does it from a safe distance.”

HARD WORK AHEAD. Bristow entered the artist’s studio and gazed at the draped canvas on the easel. ‘‘Have you finished your picture yet?” he asked. “No; 1 still have the hardest part to do-” replied the artist. “Really! What is that?” asked Bristow, unsuspectingly. “Sell it,” came the depressing reply. NO ROOM FOR DOUBT. “1 wish you would not stand outside the doro so long when you say goodbye to Godfrey.” “But I only stood there for a second, mother dear.” “Don’t tell stories. 1 distinctly heard a third and a. fourth.” NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. Little Dennis was untidy. Though his mother made every effort, to encourage him, he seldom folded his clothes afer he undressed for bed. One day his mother came into the bedroom and saw the clothing scattered all over the floor. Thinking she would impress him, she said: “I wonder who it was that never folded his clothes when he went to bed.” little Dennis pulled the bedclothes over his head and answered, “Adam!”

JUST A HUSBAND. “I want a man to do odd jobs about I lie house, run errands, one that never answers back, and is always ready to do my bidding,” explained a lady to an applicant for a post in the household. “You’re looking for a husband, ma’am, not a servant!” said the seeker for work.