WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 13 May 1933, Page 9

WEEK-END SMILES

THE DAY Mother: Why, Johnny, what have you done with all your money? Your money-box is empty! Johnny: Well, mother, yesterday was a rainy day, so I spent it. GOOD MEDICINE "Jim will be in the hospital a long time.” “Why, have you seen the doctor?” “No, the nurse.” NO COMPETITION. “You remember Agnes Goss at college, don’t you?” “Why, no; I don’t recall such a person.” “Well, she was the plainest girl in our class —but I forgot—that was after you left.” IT FOLLOWS. Wife: It must be grand to be a man! One dress suit lasts you for years, and a woman must have a new gown for every party! Husband: That’s why one dress suit lasts a man for years. ECONOMY. Brown: Did you give your wife that lecture on economy? Jones: Yes. Brown: Any results? Jones: I’ve got to give up smoking. ANSWER IN THE NEGATIVE. Teacher: What is silence? Lennie: It’s what you don’t hear when you listen. POLISHED DAILY. Mistress: These bannisters are always dusty. Next time you are at the Smiths you .lust notice how highly polished theirs are. Maid: Yes, ma’am; but they have four small boys. A GENTLE HINT. “Darling,” she sweetly murmured, “you always boast of your good memory, don’t you?” “Well,” he smiled, “I pride myself on being able to remember most things that happen in our lives.” “And ybu remember things that happened years and years ago?” she persisted. “Most certainly, dear,” hereplied. “How wonderful, darling!” she said, innocently enough. “And does your wonderful memory carry you back to the last time you bought me a new coat?” ASSOCIATED. “Do you know that man who smiled at you?” asked the jealous young man. “He’s a colleague of mine.” “What’s his job?” “He signs the letters I type.”

SOOTHING. “Think of something very nice, and you won’t notice the, pain,” said thedentist as he started to drill. When it was all over he added: What did you think of? “Well,” said the patient, “I thought my boss was here in my place.” WRONG BOTH WAYS. , Husband and wife,were touring the shops in the West End of London. Presently they stopped outside a display of hats in a shop window. ‘‘There you are,” he said, pointing to an attractive style, “buy yourself that hat. It’ll suit you.” She shook her head. “But that style is not worn yet,” she replied. He pointed to another hat. “How about that one?” he asked. “Nc, everybody is wearing that kind,” she returned. FOR PREFERENCE. “Do you prefer balloon tires or the other sort?” asked the ardent motorist. “Balloon, every time,” said the onlooker. .“Really,” said the motorist. “What make of car have you?” “I haven’t a car,” said the other, with a vigorous shake of his head. “I’m a pedestrian.” SIMILARITY. The school teacher was taking the class in botany. “Now, boys,” he said, “do any of you know any relation between plants and. animals?” Tommy James rose to his feet. “Yes, sir,” he said, “I know of one case.” " “Tell the class,” said teacher. “Well, the dog and the tree are similar,” said Tommy. “They both have a bark.” A BURNT SACRIFICE. Mistress: This pie is absolutely burnt, Nora: did you make it according to instructions in the cookery book? Nora: No, ma’am; it’s me own cremation. INCREDIBLE. The mistress of the house was discussing her new maid’s last situation. "How did you come to leave?” she asked. “The • mistress went away,” replied the maid, “but up to then 1 was with her for ten years without a. break.” The mistress of the house looked “Without a. break!” she exclaimed. “My dear girl, that was impossible unless she used a dinner service made of cast-iron.” WELL DUSTED. A small boy stood on a doorstep crying bitterly. Presently a kind old lady came along and bent down and patted his head. “What is the matter, my little man?” she asked. “1 —I—l got my new trousers covered with dust,” replied the boy through his tears. The old lady surveyed the garments. “But they’re clean again now,” she said. The boy nodded agreement. “Then why do you still cry?” she persisted. “Because my mother would not let me take them off while she beat the dust out,” he sobbingly explained.

EGGED OFF. Two atcors met in a restaurant. “You know, since I saw you last,” said one. “I’ve left the stage.” “Why did you do that?” his friend asked* “f had a hint,” the first replied, “that I was not suited for it.” “Ah, the little birds told you, eh?” suggested the other. “Well, not exactly,” was the reply, “though they might have become little birds if they had been allowed to hatch.” ONE AT A TIME. “John, dear, when we are married we must have many servants.” “You shall have as many as you want —but not all at once.” A WISE CHILD. Little boy (calling father at office): Hello, who is that? Father (recognising, son’s voice): I The smartest man in the world. Little boy: Pardon me, I got the wrong number.