WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 13 August 1932, Page 9

WEEK-END SMILES

HIS ADVISER Frederick: I’ve decided to become a vegetarian. Thompson: Did the doctor advise it? Frederick: No; the butcher. He, won’t give me any more credit. HOW LONG? A man at a restaurant ordered some sausages. After a delay of considerable time he asked the waiter how long they would be. “About four inches,” the waiter re£ji£d. MORE PRESSING STILL The stranger had come a long way to an uncivilised spot in Mexico to find an old friend of his. Approaching a villainous-looking individual sitting outside a saloon, he said: “Say, can you tell me where Jake Quickfire is to be found?” The other puffed his cigar. “’E went away suddenly yesterday!” he said. “Why?” said the other. “Did he get a wire??’ “Nope,” came the reply. “’E got a rope!” THE “B” IN THE CORNER Judge: You say this man robbed you. Can you distinguish any of your property amongst this heap? Plaintiff: Yes, I know that handkerchief with “B” in the corner. Judge: But that is no proof. I have a handkerchief with “B” in the corner. Plaintiff: Yes, sir, I lost two. * SQUEAK! Mrs Speeder has at last discovered what caused the squeak in the rear oi her car which has been bothering her for the past few days. It was her husband requesting from the back seat that she drive a little slower. YOU NEVER KNOW Judge: You were alone w’hen you committed the, robbery? Delinquent: Yes, your lordship. You ee, when you have got a mate, you .ever know whether he is honest or : 'lot. TOLD OFF “Did you tell her when you proposed hat you were unworthy of her?” the end asked the rejected suitor. “That ilways makes a good impression.” I “I was going to, but she told me i irst,” answered the unsuccessful one gloomily. A GOOD FIRM A traveller, calling upon a c st. mcr aded h m a photograph of his . unce instead of his business card. I have the honour to represent this I ;tablishment,” he said proudly. The business man looked at the pho ograph with interest. “I hope you will soon be made a partner,” he observed. LEFT “Ernest,” she gasped, choking back aer tears, “father has lost all!” “Not all!” he exclaimed. “Yes all.” “Never,” he said, pulling himself together. “You, Miranda, are still left „o him. I could not be so cruel as to ..ake the last of his wealth.” “Ernest!” “No!” Firmly he held her off. Tell him, Miranda, that his generosity towards me demands That I eave him what little lies in my power.”

AS FAR AS SHE KNEW “What are you going to be when ,ou grow up?’ a father asked his eiglft-year-old daughter. "I’m going to be an artist or a dancer,” she answered, “because I don’t think I’d be much good at this mother business!” MADE TO MEASURE Wicks had bought a new car. His neighbour was one of the first to view the new arrival when Wicks had driven it home from the garage. “But how on earth can'one get into a thing like that?” he asked, gazing doubtfully, first at Wick’s bulk, and then at the baby car. His friend gave him a superior smile. “One doesn’t get into it,” he retorted. “One puts it on!” NOT IN HIS LINE Policeman’s Son (who is learning music): Father, how many beats to the bar in this piece of music? Policeman’s Wife: Fancy asking your father a question like that Jimmy! Now, if you were to ask him how many bars to his beat, he might be able to tell you. CUTTING IT SHORT Teacher (interrupting singer at voice trial): Does that end the first verse, Mr. Brown? Mr. Brown: Well, I’ve got to where it says ‘refrain,’ sir. Teacher: Right—do as it says. , CERTAIN Jack: I hear Ethel Shreik is going to sing to-morrow at the Charity Concert. Jill: I must really go. I want to hear her sing badly. Jack: And you -will. Last time 1 heard her she was terrible. WHERE ART THOU? Magistrate (newly appointed) : Now. constable, what cases this morning? Police Sergeant: Please, your Worship, I have in custody John Simmons, alias Jones, alias, Smith, alias ” Magistrate: Ah, well, I’ll try the women first. Bring Alice Jones. A REAL “DO.” Foreman: Is that a birthmark yo have on yer face? Applicant for Job: No, but it’s a birthday party mark. CALCULATED Cohen: Vy did Isaacs invite only married people to his wedding? Jacobs: Veil, that vay he reckoned that all the presents would be clear profit. SHE WAS MASTER The vicar called at the home of one of his parishioners, and for a while was left in the room with the pride of the family. He patted the little fellow’s head affectionately, and said by way of making conversation :„ “You look a good little boy. I suppose you always do what you mother tells you?” The boy stopped tinkering with the family wireless set, and said: “Yes, vicar, and so does daddy.”