WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 11 June 1932, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

.. / “What has become of y,<jqr paving and goqeiyU-. “pislmuded; |'ll mejnbeys wanted to borrow and |q save.” A prosperous and, w.ellrpatropised gangster, having arrived put to dine with some of his '•friends, discovered that he had forgotten to. bring his gun, sb he telephoned to his valet, ajjd the following conversation tools place:— Gangster: “Say, George, | want ysu to hurry along here with my gum “Yo,'qf w£at?” Gangster: “My gun.” Valet: “I still pan’t hear.” Gangster : “My gun, G-U-N, gun, -G’ for ‘justice,’- ‘£’ for ‘Europe,’ and ‘N’ for pneumonia?” SOAP. Jones: “Well, how are you getting on in your new eight-roomed house? ’ Smith: ‘“Oh, not so badly. We furnished two of the bedrooms by collecting soap coupons.” Jones: “Why not furnish the other five rooms?” Smith: “We can't. They re full of soap.” SAYING IT WITH FLOWERS The young man was rather shy, and after she had thrown her arms around him and kissed him for bringing her a bouquet he jumped up and grabbed his hat. ... j “Oh, don’t go,” she said, as he made for the door. “I didn’t mean to offend you.” , “Oh, I’m not qffendpd,” he replied “I’m goiqg for more flowers.” WELL MATURED. “I want a time-table. Which is the cheapest you have?” “Last year’s, sir.” SAFETY FIRST. The only safe way to j ud 8' e at a baby show is to give the prize to the first baby you see and run for your life.

WHY IT WINS. An American jockey tells the world chat he sings to his horse during the race. Usually, we understand, it wins by several lengths owing to its frantic efforts to get out of earshot. RECOGNISED. A lost and found .column contained the following:'“The‘man who picked up my wallet in Main Street was recognised. He is requested to return it.” The next day -the reply was published: “The recognised man who picked up flip wallet in Mqiq Street requests the loser to call at any time and collect it." FINAL. “I’ll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live.” “Ah, refused again, I suppose?” “No; -accepted.” LATER ON, PERHAPS. It was her first visit to a night club. Shp was seated beside an aristocraticbooking young man"Tell me,* he ventured, “do you care for mezzo-tints?" , “Well, no,” she stammered. “At least, not before supper.” PERFECT TECHNIQUE. “Got any references?” asked the plumber. “Yes,” replied the applicant for the assistant’s position, “but I've left em at home—l’ll go and get them.” “Never mind, you’ll do.” HELPFUL. Oswald (writing a letter to his friend): “Dear Bob, you know I love Louise, but her father objects to our marriage, and if she can’t be mine I’ll surely have to commit suicide. What do ypu qdvise?” His friend answered: ‘'Carbolic acid, old man. HER ORDER. Mrs June Wed: “I want some lamb, please.” * z Butcher: “What part, ma’am?” Mrs June Wed: “The part you eat mint sauce with.”

FAR CHEAPER. “How much to take out this front tooth?” “Five shillings,” said the dentist. “Five shillings! Oh. well,” said the patient, “it doesn’t matter. I’ll make someone fight me on the way home.” THE ORDER. First Diner: “Waiter, bring me a steak.” Second Diner: “One for me, too—a tender one.” Waiter (yelling back to cook): “Two steaks! One tender.” VICE VERSA. “Surely you’re not the big boy who lived next door to me when I was a little girl?” “No; I’m the little boy who lived next door to you when you were a big girl.” THEORY CONFIRMED. “There are hundreds of ways of making money, but only one that’s honest.” “What’s that?” “Ah, I thought you wouldn’t know.” NEARLY PERFECT A Scots farmer bought a horse for a small sum at a country market. On his way home he decided to give the animal a drink of water, but when he led it to a trough the horse to drink. Reaching his farm a little while later, the Scot gave the'horse a good pile of hay. Much to his surprise it refused to touch it. .The farmer shook his head happily. “Weel,” he muttered, “if only I was sure ye were a guid worker ye’d be the yerra horse for nip.” UNLIKELY It was the cold grey hours of early morning. The suburban house was wrapped in silence. Suddenly the telephone bell began to peal out. “Who the dickens is ringing me up at this infernal hour of the morning?” shouted the enraged householder, as he hurried from his bedroom to the stairs.

Another bedroom door opened and his daughter looked out. “Oh, dad,” she cried,' “it’s John, I expect. He told me lie wouldn’t sleep until he found out if you’d let us get married. Please speak nicely to him. father?’