WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 14 November 1931, Page 9

WEEK-END SMILES

THE IDLE POOR Lady: “Have you ever been offered work?” Tramp: “Only once, lady: apart from that, I’ve met with nothing but kindness.” TOO LATE Boots: “Are you the gentleman who wanted to be wakened to catch an early train,..please?” Guest: “Yes.” Boots: “Then you can go to sleep again, sir—you’ve lost it.” HE FOUND OUT Magistrate (to prisoner): “What were you doing with your hand in the gentleman’s watch pocket?” Prisoner: “I was only anxious to find out the time.” Magistrate: “The time is six months.” SUBTLE GRAFT Fortune Teller: “In the configurations of your palm, lady. I can trace your future husband.” Client: “Really; then perhaps you can trace my present one. I can’t.” FOLLOWING THE RULE A master caught some pupils cai’dplaying, and, after admonishing them, he selected a birch. At this they shuffled with anxiety and uneasiness. “That’s right!” he exclaimed, “you shuffle and I’ll cut!” A SERIOUS CASE “Why is Payne pacing up and down outside his house?” asked the suburbanite of his neighbour. “He’s awfully worried about his wife, poor fellow,” returned the other. “Why, what has she got?” inquired the suburbanite. “The car!” he was informed. THE ROOT OF EVIL “You must remember, my boy, that wealth does not bring happiness,” said the fatherly parson. “I den’t expect it to,” answered the modern /outh. “I merely want it so hat I may be hble to choose the kind )f misery that is most agreeable to me.”

GOOD REASON Minister: “How is it I have not seen you at Sunday School lately?” Micky: “Because I ain’t been there.” JUST FOR THE PRESENT He was whispering sweet nothings in her ear as they sat watching the. moon. “Darling,” he crooned, “I’ll never, never forget you.” “Dll tell you something that will make you forget me,” said the fair young thing. “What is that, darling?” he asked. “To-morrow is my birthday,” she announced. ONE AGAINST FATHER Little Paula had been sent to bed early for naughtiness, having been severely chided by her father. Later on, when her mother came to hear her. prayers, she said at the end: — “And please God, don’t give father any more children. He doesn’t know how to behave to the one he has got.” VERY INTERESTING Wife: “You don’t seem to take (any interest in anything I do now, George!” Husband: "How can you say such i thing, my dear? Why, I lay awake ■ll (last night wondering what you put n that pudding you made me.yesterday!” . HIS GROUSE. Teacher— Really. Johnny, your landwriting is terrible. You must learn to write better. Johnny—Well, if I did, you’d be inding fault with my spelling. A JUST CLAIM. /Insurance Agent—But, madam, you .lave no claim. Your husband did not insure his life; he took out a policy against fire! Lady—That’s why I claim. He has been cremated! COLLEGE BRED. , Small' Boy—What is college bred, pop? Pop (with son in college)—They make college bread,- my boy, from the flower of youth and the dough of old age. APPEALED TO HIM.

“Johnny,” inquired the boy’s father, “did you peel that apple before eating it?” “Yes, daddy,” replied the boy. Father locked round the table. , “What did you do with the peel, then?” he asked. “I ale it I had finished the appie,” came from the boy. AN APT PUPIL. Pat was applying for a job at the blacksmith's. The smith agreed to try him. “Listen.” he said. “I’m gohng to bring this horseshoe from the fn'c and lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, hit it hard with the hammer.” Pat obeyed his instructions to the letter. The blacksmith never nodded his head again. * THE MAGIC WORD. Briggs went to the garage to see if they had succeeded in getting- his ear to work. - • “Look here,” he said to a garage hand, “this is my car. I want it and what I say goes—see?” Just then a dirty-faced mechanic crawled out from under the vehicle and said “Say ‘engine,” mister.” NO EMERGENCY. Stout Theatrical Person (engaging room I—Window’s <;. bit small. Wouldn’t be much use to me in an emergency. ' ■ Landlady—There ain’t goin' to bo any such emergency! My terms for actors is weekly in advance! A SAFETY, BET. A typical Yorkshire farmer was caught red-’handed during a betting raid upon a local bookmakers premises. ' . , After the trial., he called upon the police clerk and asked for the money which was taken from him by’ the officers during the raid. It was granted,.’ and, as he was about to leave, the clerk said., “Where are you going to place your bets now. I Sam?’’