WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 31 October 1931, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

THE EXTRA ONES. "How’s Mabel’s affair with Jack going on?” asked Mrs Flatte. “Their engagement has been broken off,” said Mabel’s mother stiffly. “Well, I am surprised to hear that,” said Mrs Flatte. "I was always given to understand that Mabel adored every hair on the young man’s head. Mabel’s mother sniffed. “Yes, but not every hair on his shoulder as well,” she shot back. ONLY HEARSAY “You know,” gushed the hostess to a prominent politician, “I’ve heard a great deal about you.” “Possibly,” he answered, absently, “but you can’t prove it.” HIGH-SPEED SIGHTSEEING Motorist’s friend: “I say, what was that place we whizzed through then?” Motorist: ,: Oh, Winchester.” Friend: “Was it? Good. I’d often wanted to see Winchester.” GOOD SPIRITS “You go into a tobacconist’s shop,” bawled the anti-tobacco crank, “you place sixpence on the counter, you get a packet of cigarettes—and you get more! For in the wake of those cigarettes come beer, wine, whisky, brandy and ” “Lummel” interrupted one of his audience; “who’s your tobacconist, guv-nor?” ENVY Tourist: “Can you tell me what makes the Tower of Pisa lean?” Plump Lady (preoccupied): “Oh, if we only knew!” THE CULPRIT There was a church in the north of Scotland which during certain seasons is largely attended by sportsmen —sometimes accompanied by their collies.

One Sunday the usual minister was on holiday, and his substitute was discovered to possess a droning, monotonous voice. This caused one of the collies to begin whining uneasily. The clergyman finally said: "Kindly take that dog away at once!” The owner of the dog, a brawny, independent Highlander, rose, and, glowering at the minister, muttered, “It was you that? began it!” TOO BAD Daughter: “I think that editor was awfully mean. He sent my pathetic short story back without reading it.” Father: “How do you know?” Daughter: “I’ve looked at every page and there isn’t a teardrop anywhere!” “GHOSTS.” Before the days of the Great War an eccentric man often used a cemetery as a short cut home from his favourite pub. Two young coalminers determined to give him a fright, so on the night agreed Upon they, each covered with a white Sheet, lay down on separate graves. Near the midnight hour as their “victim” approached them the two “ghosts sprang up suddenly and gave a most unearthly yell. In no way perturbed the toper inquired: “Is this a general resurrection or hev ye two corpses just cum oot ov yor graves for a dander?” STOPPING THE MUSIC There’s one good thing about having a Scottish family for neighbours. Take that family upstairs; they like to give parties. But they never keep us awake with their dancing. When we want them to stop dancing, we merely turn off our wireless. GOLFER’S HYMN. Caddie (to minister, who had been making a bad attempt to drive off from the first tee): That was a good golfer’s hymn we sang on Sunday, sir. Minister: What hymn was that, Willie? Caddie: “We plough the fields and scatter.” TO REMAIN UNKISSED Doris: “You mustn’t kiss baby. Mother says it isn’t sanitary.” Betty: “Poor little thing! Why don’t you wash it?” THE FARMER SCORES Exasperated counsel (cross-examin-ing a farmer): “Now, don’t quibble. Do you understand a simple problem or not?” Witness: “I do.” “Then tell the Court this: If fifteen men ploughed a field in five hours, how long'will thirty men take to plough the same field?” “They couldn’t do it.” “Why not?” “Because the fifteen have already ploughed it.” THIS TAKES THE CAKE Husband: “No, I don’t want the cake. Don’t keep worrying me.” Voice from Jackie’s bedroom: “Mummy, worry me a hit.” AN OPENING Breezy: "Have you a good opening hbi'e fbr an unusually bright and energetic young man?” Business Man: “Yes, I believe we have—and please close jt softly as you leave!” IMPROVING NEIGHBOURHOOD “We’re going to lite in a better neighbourhood soon,” Mrs Grant said, loftily. “So are we,” Mrs Feigelbaum came right back at her. “You are?” exclaimed Mrs Grant. "Where are you moving?” “Nowhere,” returned Mrs Feigelbaum, “we’re staying here.”