CONNUBIAL BLISS

Greymouth Evening Star, 26 October 1929, Page 12

CONNUBIAL BLISS

“SAYS SERGEANT MURPHY.”

(By A. P. Garland, in “The English Review.”)

“Did you hear,” said Heddle, “that we’re going to have a local flitch?” “Oh I” said Sergeant Murphy. “You mean a place for parkin’ babies. No—that’s a craitch.” “I mean a show like the Dunmow Flitch where they give a side of bacon to ’ ’ |

“Couples that swear they’ve never quarrelled,” interrupted the Sergeant. “I know. Wan of the most disgustin’ exhibitions of modhern days. I don’t care whether it’s come down from the Dhruids or from Henry the Eighth—them flitches ought to be banned. To see a bunch of smug mai*ried couples on the parade, like Aldherney cattle at a show, boastin’ what a lovin’ pail’ they’ve been is enough to make a decent-minded man dash off and forbid his own banns.”

“I don’t know,” said Heddle. “They only want to show they’re happy.” “Happy me aunt’s elbow!” was the reply. “Happy married couples never know they’re happy. Wance you know you’re happy, you aren’t. That’s why when you go chasin’ happiness you never catch it. And whenever I hear a couple swaggerin’ that they’ve never had a cross word in the Whole of their married life, I always send for a botanist to have thim classified. If Romeo had married Juliet, there’d have been times—at breakfast particularly—when she’d have hated the sight of him, and if she was a thruehearted -woman, she’d have told him so. And the other way round. It’s a perfectly healthy thing for married couples to have a good slangin’ match at reasonable inthervals. And it’s natural. They’re tied to wan another, aren’t they?” “There was a judge I read a piece about in the paper the other day,” said Heddle. “He said that when people got married, they ought to have a talkie film made of the affair, and when they quarrelled years afterwards the picture would be shown and put things right.” . “I read that,” said the Sergeant, “but you didn’t mention that the fellah was an American Judge. Now when an American discusses a domestic problem, he gets dhrunk on seiitimint. That’s why so many of their films begin with a curse and end with a sob. But I can see his way of lookin’ at things. “ ‘As the film releases itself,’ he thought, ‘the couple gaze open-eyed at the pleasant scene whin the couple stood before the althar, or maybe the registhrar, and lauriched their doubleoared boat on the mathrimonial high road. With a feelin’ of shame they listen to the promises they made to wan another and then remember what’s happened since. At wance their hearts melt, they relax the grip on wan another’s hair, and a sobbin’ duet follows, durin’ which they promise to begin agen at the old startin’ point.’ “That’s what would happen accordin’ to the' sloppy sentimental ideas of Hollywood. “Now, here’s what the man would probably say at the sight of the marriage corteedge in action. “Well, I’m darned. That woman standin’ there actually promised to love, honour and obey me. Obey me? That’s a good wan. Look at her in the picture and wouldn’t you say butther wouldn’t melt in her mouth? Now the things she calls me would take the paint off a wooden Highlander. Shy? I took her at her face value and suffered for it. If there only had been a Iconacy expert about that day, he’<l have certified me at wan gli.nce, nem. con. She caught me young —th it explains it!’ . i “And the woman would say as she let her eyes fall on the picture ‘Dear me, didn’t we wear thim long thim days? And what a funny hat! Still I look tons betther than lots of other women would have done in it. Don’t say that’s George standin’ there. Not a bad-lookin’ fellah in those days. No wondher a poor innocent cliild such as I was no more than at that time was won over be his plausible tongue. Cherish me! Don’t make me laugh. George couldn’t cherish a canary. He’s too selfish.’ “And the couple would start the battle agen with more gusto than before/’