TO HORSE! TO HORSE!

Golden Bay Argus, Volume XIII, Issue 51, 19 May 1910, Page 3

TO HORSE! TO HORSE!

f EXACTLY WHAT HARBOTTLE DID , NOT ENTER FOR THIS ‘CI. YEAR'S DERBY.

My wife had taken upon herself to call in a doctor. I was in that : state when the world assumes a grim (grey look, and the only visible obI jects in this vale of tears are great, (jagged slabs of gloom. The doctor )said that the sedentary propensities of bank-clerking were responsible for it, and that some vigorous exercise

i like horse-riding was a certain cure. 1 inquired in a hollow voice how many horses he would recommend for a start. He thought 1 might begin with one. I sought out a jobmaster and explained my want. ‘"Ah,” he said brilliantly, “you jwants a horse to ride on, l s’pose?” ■“No,” I said demurely, *' 1 want tone to wait at table, cleaD the silver, and do a bit ot carpentering occasionally.”

He brought out a quadruped. “There you are," he said. Do anything that ‘orse will. You don’t meet animals like that every day. I’m proud to say.” I saw no reason why he should be proud of it. In a gay world like ours it would do us good to meet such animals more frequently, and give us a chance to shed the scalding tear of pity. He said the beast was thoro'bred, and, judging by the difficulty 1 had in keeping on his back, 1 should say that he was not only thoro’bred, but very buttered, too ! (A joke.) “He’s got points, that ’orse ’as,’® the jobmaster said hoarsely.' This 1 could not deny. He had more points than l should care to count on a bot day. Before 1 finished with him I had tested every one of them, and received a bruise for each.

I “Taking him for the year, six months, or how ?” he asked.

i “I think how will be best,” I said. ■ “That hollow cough of his sounds ominous. The silent tomb will be yearning for his remains ere the glad days of June are for ever fled. I’ll take him for the day.”

Having tightened my braces, taken ! B stifl dose of whisky, and seized a whip, I prepared to mount.

j During my gymnasium days, I used ito perform this feat on a wooden horse with a graceful agility that set oil the contour of my tongue in all its elegance. I tried it now, but fell short by a couple of feet, and rebounded on to a stable-helper. We descended together into an oats bin, while the thoro’bred frisked away, and took three la.> round the yard. Sensitive as a greyhound, he is,,” said the jobmaster. “When you get op his back you’ll soon be friends.” “When l get on his back,” I thought, grasping my riding-whip convulsively, “I’ll win his young love with the knob of tbis> or perish.”

; Jn the next attempt, I overvault!ed ; but having valiantly tried again and landed on his neck, he carried mo Into the stable at a carter, and dropped me in the manger. By this Lime, An admiring crowd ol citizens hud gathered about the yard gates. The jobmaster thereupon piped all hands, and while seven meD held him I ascended a short Jadder, and took a firm seat.

Our journey down the High Street was the very poetry of motion. We polliaed over the pavements, and waltzed under the shop windows with a sublime disregard of pedestrians. During this time enough daylight could be seen between my equestrian form and the animal's back to light, up the cellars of Europe. Having performed a musical cantata in the market-place, my steed shot up his heels and threw something in the plate-glass window of a druggist. "Better get o 0 and 'ave a look at ’jm," urged a friendly carman. " J think he's cast a shoe."

, "My goo 1 fellow," 1 said, he can cast every shoe he possesses, and bis front teeth as well. You don’t get mo oh here. It was too touch trouble to get on " . Chemist wants your name and ad dress," he persisted.

“Tell him t.o come and take it !’* I said gleefully. “He’ll find it con cealed under the left bind hoof of this uoble steed."

Wo proceeded on our way ;in a series of short, rythmic gallops, to the admiration of the youth of Oultiam, who set tho pace to music, and accompanied us with the jnournful chant :

“’Lump-ty did die y ump-ty turn! Lump-ty did die-y ump-ty ( tum !" This palled on him soon, and he began to follow haycarts and such vehicles as had a nosebag behind, until B cornchandler’s hove In view, when lie was spellbound by some mysterious influence.

By bribing him with—carrbt9 and (other groceries. I managed to get al together about three-quarters of a mile, just far enough to land hr in the busiest part of the main thoroughfare. Here he came, to a sudden halt on the tram-lines

(Jee. boy !" I said roaxlngly. ("Come u Pi,' old fellow,!" There was a tram behind us, anxious to proceed.

lie would neither gee nor come up. But, seeing that another tram had come up, and that the ,two drivers were getting black in the face, t called’ him pretty pet, and urged him to £ot a move on. Having exhausted my endearments, i hit him * crack over the skull.

He just quivered and stood still

j “Get orf the road, carn’t you!" yelled the tram men. There were four cars how. "Think you’re a statue of Napoleon, or what?" j "How rude you are !*' I said reproachfully. • "Can’t you see he’s thinking?’ Do you want your miserable tramcar to collide with his train of thought ? Go and punch, brothers, punch with care, and bold -your tongue J" ;

Nevertheless, 1, assisted by the populace, urged him on. But not a muscle did he move until such time as he was approached, when he would; give an electric start, and show his teeth, as if he meant to chew up those in front and scatter the brains of the rear guard on the skyline. The driver of the seventh car left his post leisurely. “Now then, ’aughty !” he said. “ Think you got a small 'olding 'ere ? You needn’t he ratty ’cause be lost the Derby.”

‘'‘Push ’im over, Bill !” said the eighth driver.

“Sit on ’is ’ead !” chirped a motor’bus driver, whizzing by. The excitement soon became intense. 1 remember nothing like it since the relief of Mafeking. Fourteen tramcars lined the road, assisted by voluntary auxiliaries in the way of cyclists, vans, and half the population of Dulham. At the rate things were ' going on we should sood have a policeman on the scene.

My horse closed his eyes. It was the red-letter day of his life. Having become the centre of the universe, he could have died comfortably. When the limit was reached, he looked round with a grin of satisfaction, whisked his tail, and calmly i trotted off.

As we passed the police-station, he seemed to scent, danger, and increased his pace, pounding sparks out of the road, and .splaying his feet so as to bring vegetable stalls down with an agricultural splosh. My equilibrium would have suffered a similar fate if I hadn't had the good sense to leave it at home for safety. Out in the country, he took a gate about three bars too short, and I turned a graceful somersault on the spur of the moment. With the aid of the gate I remounted. At the same moment he scented a haystack a couple of miles off, and bolted. This was annoying, been use I did not discover until then that, by a slight error of judgment, I was facing his tail. In that short and perilous ride, I met every man in Dulham, whose good opinion I value. Eventually, I met an overhanging branch, and having shaken hands with the back of my neck, so tp speak, dismounted. Incredible as it may appear, I again got in the saddle. For the rest, I must refer you to eye-wit-nesses.

But I agree with the doctor as to the amount of vigour to be got out of a horse ride. I know nothing to be compared with it for bovrilised energy and solid bump and thump.

I directed the ambulance men who were showing me the way home to stop at the jobmaster’s, and tell him that sixteen hired loafers were holding the docile beast at the peril of their lives, until be came for it. He said- he would see me. “Look here,’’ he said, leaning over the stretcher, “there must be a first time for everything. You’d better mako that horse--your own, you’ll soon get used to him.” “No,” I said wanly, “I don’t think so. As long as it is possible to jump off a monument or put a revolver in my mouth, 1 prefer to do it that way,” He sold me the horse just the same. At least, I could have bought such a horse for the price he demanded for hire. Still, I am glad to be rid of the responsibility of keeping him. Like the gentleman in .the song, next time I want t.o ride, it shall be on “the horse the missus dries the clothes on.”—“Answers.”