AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Golden Bay Argus, Volume XIII, Issue 51, 19 May 1910, Page 3

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

“These here two fellows, old Waldo and Jarley McCracken would always argue,” said Mr. Milo Bush one day while in Shanks's grocery store. “Argue about anything. Took contrary sides on every question. Why, if old Waldo said that Inguns was pizen, Jarley McCracken would up and dispute it, just as if the whole world don’t know that Inguns are pizen, and ought to be exterminated of the face of the yearth.” One day Jarley McCracken was speaking of whisky and happened to mention, keerless like, its food value, and what did old

Waldo do but. up and dispute it, said whisky was a beverage to supply the necessary liquid for the proper asswimulatioo of the solid food was all O K., but he denied its value as a food per se—them was all furreD words. Just like that—per se It was the general view that if he couldn’t make out his case without dragging in French, that he’d better keep still. Another time they got. arguing about great men. Old Waldp said that. Napoleon was a greater man than Daniel Webster. Jarley McCracken ol course said it was no such 6tufl. .Shanks was just closing up, so we all went up to the schoolhouse and organised a regular meeting, and let ’em debate precisely 's if they’d beeD' in Congress with Doc Ballister for referee. Just like the Senate.' Old Waldo led off on the Napoleon side. * First, says he, let us make a inquiry into what constitoots troo greatness. Is it words, or is it acts ? Is it talk, or is it get-up-and-get ? The idea of the present speaker is that it is acts. Here we find the difference between the two men —Napoleon done things, but the alleged fame of Daniel Webster rests wholly off words.’ ‘Honey soyt qui mall why pense,’ which for the benefit of those present who do not understand Greek, if any there he, I may translate, ‘lf you are going to do a thing, do it.’ Of course, Daniel Webster’s dictionary was a great book. Present speaker has heard that it weighs ten pounds. But Napoleon fired cannon-balls which weighed a hundred pounds. A copy of Webster’s Dictionary would scarcely have made wadding for one of Napoleon's cannon. Napoleon was a great man, take him as you will. See how he spiked the enemy’s fireengines before he applied the torch to Moscow ! Even in defeat Napoleon Bonaparte was great. Beaten back by overwhelming numbers at Waterloo, did he throw up the sponge ? Hardly ! When his charger was shot from under him, leaving him in the air hanging t.o the limb of a tree with one hand, he cried, ‘ My kingdom for a boss —lay on Moc Duff !’ Napoleon Bonaparte faced 1 the enemy to the last. When they came they had to saw qlf the limb to get him down, like a hornet’s nest. That is what Napoleon was—a hornet’s nest on two legs. Then old Wallßo sat down, and Jarley McCracken got up.

"First, he said he reckoned that if Napoleon had been what he was cracked up to be, that he’d have had an extra boss along for his a-de-kamp to lead under him. However, it was not ne: "sary to belittle Napoleon in orcci to enlarge Daniel Webster. As the great Henry Clay had said of Webster. ‘ There he stands—look at him !’ The present speaker denied that William Webster did nothing but compile the great dictionary. He was a statesman as well as a leximographer. Who stood on the top of Bunker Hill Monument and uttered these words, * Gentlemen, give me liberty or give me death ?’ And if they’d shot, the monument, from under him, he’d have hung to a star—a star, I say, and still put. up a stiff fight for blessed liberty The dictionary was a side issue, compiled on rainy days when he couldn't, work. When ho thought of a new word ho wrote it down on his cuS or somewhere, and when he got home socked it into his dictionary. So it grew. Did Napoleon do any such thing ? No ! Napoleon simply set about straddle of a boss about four sizes too big for him, and had his picture took. He was better at facing the muzzle of the camera than he was the muzzle of a cannon. If Daniel Webster’s legs had been no more than eighteen inches’long, he’d hae known enough to have kept oil big draught bosses." Old Waldo couldn’t stand it no longer hearing Napoleon abused, so he bopped up, grabbed the big school globe, and banged Jarley McCracken with it. His head crashed through the South Pacific Ocean, and his nose busted out the Northern part of England It made Jarley pretty mad, and he bunted old Waldo, his head still in the bowels of the yearth. The coast or Norway caught old Waldo bn the chin, and they both went, down In a heap. The yearth all busted to finders, and chunks off the Arctic regions and North America went flying through the air. Doc Ballister jumped in and parted them, and we went home ; so the question about which was the heftier man, Napoleon or Webster, was never settled.—" Harper’s Magazine.”