COLONEL BANGS.

Feilding Star, Volume XXVII, Issue 31, 30 August 1905, Page 4

COLONEL BANGS.

Probably thu fuuniust tbing which ' Mhx Adc j ler ever wrote is the story of Colonel Bungs, editor of The Argus, ! and biy obituary verses. Colonel Bangs, of the Argus, had j observed the disposition of bereaved families to give expression to their ffeelinga in verse, and it occurred to him that special provision might be made for this, with the effect of not only gratifying the bereaved, but at the same time bringing profit to the Argua by mukiug it the popular vehicle for conveying notices of death to the public. Moreover, he had a country contributor who had frequently nent him poems of a distressing character ; and he thought he might, by bringing this man to town and adding him to the ptaff of the Argu*, profitably employ his peculiar and melaucholy gift. This accordingly waa done. Wht-n Mr Slimmer arrived — Slimmer was the doleful poet's name— Colonel Bangs explained bis theory, and suggested whenever a death notice reached the office, "^ Slimmer should immediately write (Ji a rhyme or two which should express the sentiments most suitable to the occasion. "You understand, Sir Slimmer," said the Colonel, "that I want you in this way to cheer the members of the afflicted family with the resources of your noble art " lb I quite understand," said Mr Slimmer, ''and it will be a labour of , love." bl "Touch the heartstrings of the be- Cl reavtd with a tender band, Mr ui Slimmer, and setk to divert their ° minds from the mere horrors of the tomb." "Seeking rather," responded Mr ° Shrmnir, "Lo lift their thoughts to f 51 j It "Just 60 ! And you can combine ( this elevating sentiment with such practictal information as you can r obtain from tho advertisement. Throw the glamour of poetry over the commonplace details of the deceased'B everyday life, Mr Slimmer. People ate fond of paruticulars — very fond, I observe, of minute uVs enption. You will not forget this. Some facts useful for thin purpose may be obtained from the man who brings the notice, others you will no doubt, be able to supply from your imagination." •• There should be no difficulty there,'' said Mr Slimmer. Ic was unfortunate, however, that Colonel Bangs did not warn Mr Slimmer to make sure in all cases of ibe fiicts, that his imagination might have the right material to work with. It was also unfortunate that the Colonel was unexpectedly called away on important business on the day on which Mr Slimmer began his work, and was not, therefore, available for reference. Returning on the following morning, he was surprised to see a crowd of excited people at tho door of the Argus offico ; and he had no sooner got into bis sanctum by the back door tban the room was in vaded by several persons each one looking more furious than the other. 41 My name, sir," said one of them, stepping forward with a brow of thunder," my name is M'Glue — William M'Glue ! I am a brother of the late Alexander M'Gluo. I picked up your paper this morning, and found in it an outrageous insult to my deceased relative ; and I have come around to demand, sir, what you mean by the following infamous language : — The death angel smote Alexander M'Glue, And gave him protracted repose ; He wore a checked shirt and a nnmb"r nine ;-hoe, And be had a pink wart on his nose. No doubt he is happier dwelling in space Over there on tbeoverprpeu phoro ; His friends are informed that his funeral takes pluce, Precisely at quarter pa«t four, " This is simply diabolical ! An insult! — yes, sir, a gratuituots in 6U lt • — to our family, and I demand, sir, to know who is responsible." " Really, sir," paid Colonel Bangs, "itis a mistake. This is the horrible work of a miscreant in whom I repose perfect confidence But h9 shall be punished." " And who, sir," shouted another man, as hn stepped forv/ard," who authorised you to print this hideous stuff about my deceased s-on ? " : — Willie had a purple monkey, climbing on a yellow stick, And when ho saci;ed the paint off, it mads him deathly sioi: ; : And in bis latest hours he clasped | that monkey in bis hand, And bado good bye to earth and went unto a better land. No more he'll shoot bis sister wiih bis little wooden gun ; And no more he'll twist the pussy's tail and make her yowl for fun; The pussy'a tail now stands out straight, the gun is laid aside ; The monkey doesn't jump arouud since little Willie died. " The atrocious character of this libel, sir, will appear when I tell you that my son William was 20 years old, and that he died of liver complaint." " Really," said Colonel Bang?, " this is horriblo — infamous ! " At this moment the people crowding the doorway moved aside to allow ft woman to enter, who, addressing Colonel Bungs, exclaimed hysterically," Are you the editor ? " Bangs said he was. " Then what do you moar," .-he exciaiaied, " publishing this kind of '. poetry about my child? My name p is Smith, and when I looked this morning for tbe notice of my >t Johnny's death in your paper, I 2 found this scandalous verEe : — 3 Four doctors tackled Johnny Smith, ® They blistered and they bled him ; With f quills and antibilioua pills And ipecac they fed him ; They stirred hiui up with calomel And tried to move his liver i But all in vain— hiß little soul Was wafted o'er tbe river, •'lt'e false!" exclaimed the D woman excitedly, " false and mean ! And you're a hard hearted brute for printing it." " Madam, I shall go crazy 1 " exclaimed Colonel Bangs. " This is not my v/ork. It is the work of a villian who will get stirred up with v eomethiug stronger than calomel ! " U She bad scarcely tamed indignant. ill ly to leave, when another infuriated )s man entered. t. " Look hero, you disgraceful reprobate," he cried, holding out a 3 " ! copy of the Argus, " what do you " i mean by putting in such stuff as this Ij' about my deceased sou ? " : — D O bury Bartholomew out in tbe wood, In a beautiful hole in tbe ground, Where the bumble bees buzz and 11 the woodpeckers sing, And the straddle bugs tumble around ; Bo that in winter, when the snow and the slush | 8 Have covered bis last little bed, Hit brother Acttmui iaa go cut