THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22881, 12 February 1938, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Cheapest. —“ What are the price of the seats, mister?” “ Front seats one shilling, back seats sixpence, and programme a penny.” “I’ll sit on a programme, please.”- * • * * The Error. —The rich uncle wrote to his nephew: “I am sending you the £lO you requested, but must draw your attention to a spelling error in your last letter * 10 ’is written with one nought, not two.” • * • • A Long Timo Gone.— “ You probably don’t remember me,” began the selfmade man proudly, “ but 20 years ago when I was a "poor, humble, boy you gave me a message to carry.” “ Yes, yes,” cried the busy man; where’s the answer?” * * * • Depends.—FatherHullo! Where’s Alfred gone to?” Mother: “ If the ice is as thick as he thinks it is, he’s gone skating, hut if it is as thin as I think it is, he’s gone bathing.”.

Reversed.—“ How did you make your fortune?” “I became the partner of > rich man; he had the money and I the experience.” . ;s “ How did that help?” ;- r “ Now he has the experience and I the money.” * • • • At the Christmas Bazaar. —“ How much’ are you selling kisses for, may I ask?” “ Five pounds apiece, sir?” “ IFm. I suppose you won’t be having a clearance sale later on?” • v * * -• Hoping Against Hope. —Vicar; “I was grieved to hear your husband has gone at last.” Mrs Black: “ Yes, ’e ’as/ sir, and I only hope Vs gone where I know ’e ain’t.” * . « ' «"> " * ■' Detour.—“ This is the Gate of Heaven,” read . tho sign over the churchyard gate in front of a church which was being restored, while below was a notice iu large letters: “Go Round the Other Way.”- . * * * ■ ' * Apology. —The theatre was in an uproar*. “They’re calling for the author,”said the manager. “ But I can’t make'a speech!” replied the man responsible fox the play. The manager grabbed the playwright and impelled him along the; passage. As he shoved him towards the curtain he said curtly: “Well, just go in front and tell them you’re sorry.” • * • * That’s Settled. —First Lawyers' “ You’re a low-down cheat!” Second Lawyer: “You’re an unmitigated liar!” Judge (rapping): “ Now. that counsel have identified each other we shall proceed with the case.” *** . * Not Likely.—“ H’m,” the publisher murmured. “ Your handwriting’s so indistinct I can hardly read these poems of yours. Why didn’t you type them before bringing them to me?” •• Type ’em?” tho would-be poet gasped. “ D’you think I’d waste my time writing poetry if I could type?” * * * * Half and Half. —Said the chairman of-a certain society at its annual meeting: “In most kindred association* half the committee does all the work, whilst the other half does nothing. I am pleased to place on record that in the society over ‘which I have the honour to preside it is just the reverse.” «.« * • Hands Full. —The teacher was having her trials, and finally wrote the mother; “ You son is the brightest boy in my class, but be is also the most mischievous. What shall I do?” The reply came:' “Do as you please, I am having my own troubles with hie father.”