THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22721, 7 August 1937, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

New Teacher: “ If you have ten pen iatoes and must divide them equally among three persons, how would you dq it?” Johnny: “I’d mash them.”- *. ♦ # • Preference,—Joker: “ Waiter, firing me a slab of political pie.” Waiter: “Yes, sir. Do you prefer the apple sauce or plum filling ” • * * * Washing Up.—Smith: “I wear tha trousers in my home.” Friend; “ Yeah, but right after sup* per I notice you wear an. apron over them.” , • * * , * 1 Economy. —“ You often cook much more for dinner than we use, darling.” “ O course! If I didn’t, how could I economise by making left-over dishes?”-

A Race.—“ said the bride’s mother, “did you send for a doctor.” “I sent for three,” replied the efficiency expert, proudly. “ Whoever gets here first gets the case.” ♦** • • Good Sport.-r-Navy Bill: “What sports do you like best?” Hollywood Kate: “ Those who are free with their money and know when to say good-night and go home.” * * * * Educated.—Farmer Jones: “ Whal did your son learn at college?” Farmer Hicks: “ Well, ne hadn’t been home three days before he showed me how to open a bottle with a halfdollar.” • • * * Money in it.—Uncle: “ And what aro you going to he when you grow up, Freddy?” .' ■ Freddy: ’’ I’m going to be a philanthropist; those people always seem to have such a lot of money.” * * * * Taking No Chances.—” You didn’t carry out your plans to elope?” “ No, I found father was planning to move, and I didn’t know where we’d find him when we got back.” ■.*■• ' ♦ *; Association of Ideas.—“ East year I was in Ceylon during an earthquake. Everything rocked and . rattled, the house creaked, the china flew about.” “ That , reminds, me 1 I must fetch my wife from the. station.”

No Ovation.—The actor was visibly downcast. Wife: “ Did you get any applause? ■» Actor: “ Yes, it sounded like a caterpillar crawling over a Persian, carpet} whilst wearing rubber shoes.” . * • • Variety.—“ What are you raising iai your garden this year? “ Johnson’s Plymouth Rocks, Brown’s Leghorns, and Smith’s Wyandottes.”. • * * * War. —“ Where d’ya get the black eye? ” “In the war.’ “What war?” “ The boudoir.” ’« * * * View-points.—Dramatist: “I wisH I could think of a big strong situation that would fill the audience with tC Theatre Manager: “ I’m looking fo« one that will fill the tiers with, audience.” , • • * * Strategy.—The meek little man carnet up to a policeman on the street corner- “ Excuse me, constable,” he said 1 - “ but I’ve been waiting here for mr wife for over half an hour. Would you be kind enough to order me td move on?” - , *■* • ■ Reminder.—This hit of irony, sarcasm, or something, appears in the form of a sign on a Scottish golf course: “Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they navei -stopped rolling.” * » * ♦ On the Job.—Mother: “Baby ii going to be an auctioneer when h« grows up.” Husband: “How do yon know? Mother: “He already has you t watch under the hammer.”.