THE CHESTNUT

Evening Star, Issue 22631, 24 April 1937, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT

The Listener. —"Heavens! Don’t gay you listen to the radio!" “ Not often. But occasionally there are one or two quite decent little items to sneer at.”

Partners. —Visitor: " Your dog seems to be a very friendly fellow. He keeps grinning at me and wagging his tail.” Bobbie: “ Yes, you’ve got his plate.”- * « * *

Consent Granted.—" Sir, I think it right to inform you that your daughter has decided to become my wife.” " Well, young man, you surely don’t expect me to interfere? You might have known something would happen hanging round this house every night.”

Neighbourly Leguminosity. They were entertaining friends in their new home. Suddenly one of the guests sat up and listened. “ Surely you’re not troubled by mica already ” she said.

“ That’s not mice,” replied the householder. “ That’s the people next door eating celery.”

Outward Bound. —He was travelling on a suburban line that was noted for its discomfort and slowness. _ After he had been an hour accomplishing a journey of only a few miles he eventually reached the terminus.

“ Well,” he said to the ticket inspector at the barrier, “ thank goodness the worst part of the journey is over.” The inspector looked interested. “la that so, sir?” he said. “ And where, if it’s not a rude question, are yoii bound for?” “ China!” snapped the traveller.

Pressing Situation.—Weary Father (appearing in parlour doorway at midnight) : “ My dear sir, I have no objection to your coming here and sitting up half the night with my daughter, or to your standing on the doorstep for three hours saying ‘ Good-night.’ But, in consideration for the rest of. the household who wish to go to sleep, will you kindly take your elbow off the bell push ?” • * * * Paternal Pedagogue.—Jimmy had been sent to bed by his mother for using a naughty word. When his father came home she sent him up to punish the boy. “ I’ll teach him to swearl” he roared, and started up the stairs. H© tripped on the top step—and even his wife held her ears for a few moments: “ You’d better come down now,” she called up after the air had cleared somewhat. “ Jimmy’s had enough for his first lesson.” ( * * » * Solicitude. —The two men had escaped from an asylum and had managed to steal a plane frm a nearby airport. Up in the plane at 15,000 ft one of the men grew fidgety. “ I think I’m going to jump out of the plane,” he told his companion. “ I feel I can’t stand it in here any longer.” ' _ “ Better take a parachute with you,” advised the other. “ What do I want with a parachute ?” J The other wagged a finger. “ Don’t be silly,” he cautioned. “ Can’t you see it’s raining outside?”-

The Pluralist. —The Chief Constable of a small town was also an. expert veterinary surgeon. One night the telephone hell rang. The Chief Constable’s wife answered it. “Is that Mr Jenkins?’’ asked an agitated voice. “Do you want my husband in his capacity as veterinary surgeon or as Chief Constable?”

“ Both, madam,” came the reply, “ We can’t get our new bulldog to open his mouth, and there’s a burglar in it.”.

Yaah!—Along a country road came a 7,000-dollar limousine. As it caught up with the small car the owner of the big car could not resist the to slow down and jolly the other driver a bit.

“ Heavens, man,” he said, “ what is it about your car that makes such a dreadful rattling sound?” “ That Oh, that’s the 6,500 dollars jingling around in my pocket,” said the small car driver.