THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22619, 10 April 1937, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

. Tact.—Dentist; “ You needn’t open, your mouth any wider. When I puli your tooth I expect to stand outside.” * * * ♦ Hello. —“ What,” said the warden, you back again?” “ Yeh. Any letters?” • - - * Problem.—“ When I was a hahy I was left an orphan.” “ What did you do with it?” * * ♦ * No Contest.—“ Well, Sam, I see you’re back for fighting with your wife. Liquor again?” “ No, sah, jedge; she licked me dis time.” * * \* * Stct.—“ What’s a Grecian urn? ” “ Very little.” * * * * Independent.—“ I never clash with my boss.” No?” “ No; he goes his way and I go his.”- • • « • Lullaby.—“ There goes the band ' leader that composed music while in bed.” “ Goodness, what kind of music can ' that be?” “ Sheet music.” * * * • Bull.—“ That new farm hand is terribly dumb.” “ How’s that ” “ He found some milk bottles in the grass and insisted he had found a cow’s nest.” * • • • Butcher.—Barber: “How is the razor, sir? Does it go easy?” Man: “ Well, that depends on tho operation. If you’re shaving me it goes hard, but if you’re merely skinning mo it goes tolerably easy.” • • • • Retort Courteous.—“ I insured my voice,’’ stated the famous singer, “ for 50,000 dollars.” “ And what,” asked his rival, “ havo you done with the money? ” • « » » Fight.—A man arrested for being intoxicated was alleged to have tried to push an omnibus over. ‘ They say he complained bitterly that it was the bus that started it. * * * * Dilettante.—An American film actress was applying for a passport. Clerk: “Married?” Actress: “Occasionally.” * * * * Repetitions.—A proud parent called up the newspaper and reported the birth of twins. The girl at the news desk didn’t quite catch the message over the phone. Will you repeat that?” she asked. “ Not if I can help it,” was the reply* * * * * Check Up.—He (twice nicked by razor) : “ Hey, barber, give me a glass of water.” Barber: “What’s wrong, did I get a hair in your mouth? ” He: “ No, I just want to see if. my neck leaks.” ♦ • * • . And Still Hungry.—“ What is a can* nibal, Tommy?” “ I don’t know.” “ Well, if you ate your mother and father, what would you he?” “ An orphan.” * * * • Chit-Chat.—Officer (to coloured driver who ha§ been whipping his horse): “ Don’t whip him, man—talk to him.” Driver (to horse by way of opening conversation): “Ah comes from N’Awleans. Wheah does you-all comp from? ” • * • • Trick.—“ Com-pa-nee, atten-shun !”- bawled the drill sergeant to the awkward squad. “ Com-pa-nee, lift upi your left lev and hold it straight in front of you!” By mistake one rookie held up his right leg, which brought it out side by, side with his neighbour’s left leg. “ Aw right, aw right; who’s the wise guy over there holding up both legs?” shouted the hard-boiled sergeant.” * * * * Wheel—A man rushed out_ of ai house, across _ the pavement, jumped: high in the air, and fell in the gutter heavily. A passer-by rushed to his lifted him up, and said: “You did d very funny thing just then.” “ Yes,” replied the other, “1; thought I’d left my bicycle outside.”- «•« ’ ♦ Page Diogenes.—Judge: “Do you; consider the defendant a reliable man? ( Has he a good reputation for truth and veracity?” Witness: “ Well, to be Honest witij you, your Honour, that man has to get somebody else to call his hogs alj feeding time. They won’t believe Mm. ”j • e * * * Closer to the Scissors. —“ Someone throw an axe at you?” “ Nope, got a haircut.” “ Well, sit higher in the chair next time.”