THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22596, 13 March 1937, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Voice from the Dead. —The postmaa wore a glum look as he carried the letter up to Mike’s door. The envelop® was black-edged, and as he handed it over the postman remarked: “Looks like bad news, Mike.*’ The Irishman glanced at the envelope. “Begob!” he cried, “it’s me poor brother Pat that’s dead. Oi’d know his handwritin’anny where.” * * * Celebrities Pass.—Lord Pomp was making a periodical visit to a certain mental hospital. Nearing the main entrance he saw emerging towards him a very well dressed gentleman. Thinking him connected with the place, ha greeted him with a polite “ Good morning.” The person returned the greeting and halted, remarking: “ Are you going to the hospital* sir?” “Yes,” was the reply. “ I’m Lord Pomp.” “ Go on in, sir,” came the rejoinder j “ they’ll cure you. I thought I was Horatio Bottomley when I came here first.”

Going Up.—The horse was led into the ring, and the auctioneer looked at its legs and hoped for the best. “ Well, what about this handsome creature?” he asked. A pound was bid, then two, three,four, five, six pounds. The auctioneer became eloquent, and more bids followed. “Seven pounds!” “Eight!'“Nino pounds!” “Ten.” And then a farmer at the back woke up. “ Ten and six,” he shouted. • Rum Deal. —A parson who was finishing a round of golf got bunkered at, the eighteenth. While playing his ball he got some sand in his eye. This continued to trouble him when he went into the clubhouse and ordered a glass of milk. , , , When he tasted the beverage he looked sharply at the steward and said;! “ Is this milk?” “ Well, sir,” grinned .the steward,- “ naturally I put a dash of rum in it when you winked f” * • * * Weighted Scales.—The two fishers W€ro fishing. It was arranged, that tno first man to land a fish should stand the other a drink. After a few minutes one pointed cut triumphantly that.his companion had something on his line. The second man drew it in. It was ft miserable three-inch specimen.^ The first man swallowed his dnnk and said: “ Well, I think I’ll bait mft hook noo!” *»; • • Altruism. —“ I’m going to kiss you for one thrilling, wonderful hour.” “Aren’t you forgetting yourself?’- “ Well, no. I -daresay it’ll be a certain amount of fun for me, too.”Fair Do.—One evening, at dinner a big game hunter, told a story which, * though perhaps a little exaggerated* was doubtless substantially true. i A!, Scotsman, however, immediately capped it with an account of a fishing adventure in which he landed a sea-serpent 200 ft long. The hunter was offended and left the table. ... “ Now, Mr M'Pherson,” said the host, “ you’ve insulted a friend of mine and ought to apologise.” “Wed,” said M'Pherson, “if he’ll iak’ a wee bit off that tiger, Ah’ll see what Ah can do aboot ma serpent. -■* • ♦ " * ♦ •' Beside the Point.—Manager: “Can you do the work?” . Hefty Applicant: “Work! Lumme, •I ’card yer wanted a foreman!” • • • • How Things Change.—A fly was walfa ing with her- daughter over the head of a very bald man. “ How thinga change, my dear, " she said. When I was your age this was only a footpath.” • • • • Paper, Too.—“ Was that sandwicK quite fresh that you sold me just now?” . _ , , i , “ Quite, sir. Each on© is wrapped in transparent airtight paper.-”-“T wish I’d known.” v , Overpowering Delicacy.—Fireman (to chief during fire in grocer’s shop); “ That’s the fifth man laid out in 10 minutes, sir.” Chief: “What, with the smoke? Fireman; “ No, sir; trying to rescue the gorgonzola!”.