THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22252, 1 February 1936, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

A Long Pie.—lt was her first attempt at cooking, and when her husband came home lie saw a very long pie on the table. “ Whatever is that?” he asked. “ 1 couldn’t get any shorter rhubarb,” she replied. « « « « Too Late.—The liner quivered from stem to stern, and then, with a harsh, grating sound it came to a full stop. A man in a long, flowing, white nightshirt appeared from a cabin, and dashed up to a steward. “ What’s happened?” he shouted. “ Have wa struck an iceberg? Shall I get into my lifebelt? Won’t you lower the boats?” “Too late,” the steward answered. “ We’ve done all we can for you, and you’ll have to look out for yourself now. You see, we’ve just tied up in dock.” * * * * Sulphur Matches.—“ It has been dlscovered,” said the professor ponderously, “ that the human body contains sulphur.” “ Sulphur!” exclaimed a girl student wonderingly. “ How much sulphur is there in a girl’s body, professor?” He shrugged his shoulders. “Oh. the amount varies, of course,”' he replied. “ I see,” she went on; “ and is that why some of us make better matches than others?” «** . * The Package.—Smith was a very light sleeper. One night he was obliged to stay at an hotel, and after much tossing and turning finally succeeded in getting to sleep. Two hours later came a loud knocking on his door. “What’s the matter?” he asked sleepily. “ Package downstairs for you, sir,” came a boy’s voice. “Well, let it stay there. It can wait until morning, I suppose?” The boy shuffled down the corridor, and after a long time Smith fell asleep again. Then came another knocking at the door. “Well, what’s up now?” Smith demanded. “ ’Tain’t for you, that package!” %** * ■ Optimist. —“ What is an optimist. Dad?” inquired the hotel man’s daughter. “ An optimist,” replied' her father, “ is a man who arrives at our hotel without baggage and tries to cash a cheque.” * * » * Local Pride.—American (as Flying Scotsman dashes through station) ; “ I suppose you call that an express!” Porter; “ Oh, no. That’s only George doing a hit of shunting. He’ll be back in a minute!” * * » * Disappointment. —Junior Partner (to pretty stenographer) : “ Are you doing anvthing on Sunday evening, Miss Dale?” Stenographer (hopefully) : “ No, not a thing,” Junior Partner; “Then try to ba at the office early Monday morning, will you?” » » » * Ambiguous.—The chemist was in a had temper. He had told his assistant to have a new sign painted outside the shop, and when he saw it he was furious. “ You’re a fool!” he raved. “ But the sign is beautifully done,”' said the assistant, puzzled. “ It may be,” snapped the chemist. “ But who’s going to rely on us when our sign reads: ‘ In making up prescriptions we dispense with care ’?” * * * * Evasive.—Five-year-old Tommy had been taught that Sunday is not a day of play, but one to be set aside for church and kindred matters. Naturally his mother was surprised and shocked one Sunday morning to find him sailing his toy boat in the bath. “Tommy! Don’t you know it is wicked to sail boats on Sunday?” she demanded. “Don’t get excited, mother,” replied Tommy calmly. “ This isn’t a pleasure trip. This is a missionary boat going to Africa.” » » * « Fashion Notes.—“ The bachelor bas his car,” observes a novelist £ “the married man has his wife.” Yes, but a car’s changes of gear don’t cost anything. A famous beauty specialist says that not one woman in ten could pass a beauty test. As a result, not one ■woman in ten can pass a beauty parlour. “ France has long been the centre of feminine fashions,” says a writer. As far back as thy time of the Trojan Wars Helen of Troy get her gowns front Paris. Restricted Space. —Teacher was taking the class of young pupils in astronomy. The moon was the subject.- “ Now,” she said, “ some people believe that there are fifty million peep]® on the moon ” She paused as a titter of laughter reached her ears. “ William,” she snapped at one of tha boys, “ what are you laughing at?” “ I was thinking, teacher, what 9, squeeze it-' must be up there when there’s only a quarter moon.”

“ They said I must get well oiled to prevent sunburn.’ —‘ Evening News.*