THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22228, 4 January 1936, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

From Missouri. —“ Aren’t people funny? ” “Yes. If-you tell a man that there are '270,678,934,341 stars in the universe lie’ll believe you; but if it sign says c Fresh JPaiht 5 that same maa has to make a personal ■investigation.’!' • • Not Retroactive.— “ Look here,’! said the irate travelling man to -the small-town hotelkeeper, _ “ don’t you know that roller, towels in hotels have been prohibited in this State for three years? ” “Sure,” replied the hotel man, “but that there towel was put up before the law was passed.” ' • * . * . ■ _ •» ■ A Thankful Occupation.—!* Don’t you find writing a thankless job? “On the contrary, everything I write is-.returned to me with thanks.’! • ■* ■ • • Business First. —Doctor: “ There goes the only- woman I ever loved.” ■Nurse: “Why don’t you marry her?” ; ■ ’■ Doctor: “I can’t afford to. She’j my best patient.” No Hurry. —Meek voice over the ■telephones “ Doctor, this is Mr Henpeck. ' My wife just dislocated her jaw* If you’re out this way next week or the week after, you might-drop in and- see her.”' Weighing the Evidence. —“ I sent my little boy'; for two pounds of plums ana you only sent a pound and a-half.” i “My scales are all right, madam. Have you ■ weighed your little - boy ? ”- •-* • • Suspicious. —“ D’you know; Mrs ’Arris, I sometimes wonder if ine husband’s grown tired, of me.” , “ Whatever makes you say that, Mrs ’legs? ” ‘ - Well, ’e ain’t been ’ome for seven years.”....

Visiting Card.—Sandy joined a golf club and was told by , the professional .that -if his name was on his golf ball# and they were lost, they would be re« turned to him when found. “ Good;” said - the - Scot, “ put my name on this ball.” - The .pro. ; did so. - - “ Would you also put M.D. after it? ” said the new member. “I’m a doctor.” The pro. obeyed. _ “ There’s just one more thing,” went on the Scot.. “ Can ye squeeze ‘ Hour* 10 to 3’on as well?,”. . ' • )> ■ ■ ■*; - Particular.—The new messman was told to. get a line and a bucket and to draw up some salt water to flush -out the galley. With the necessary equipment, he stood by the rail lost •in thought. ’ ; - , “What’s that guy waiting for?’* asked one of the mess cooks. '. “ Don’t'. know“ replied, another* “ Perhaps he ain’t seen <a bucketful he likes yet.” » ' * * ■ - A Knowing One.-—“ As soon as, I realised the_ business was dishonest, I got out of it.” . . . i How much?” / In the Same Boat.—“ Can I toucH you for five bob, old chap?” “For five bob you can sock me oit the jaw.” A - .< - , • • • m -■ Logical.—Magistrate;- “ But why, bite your mother-in-law?” " ;■ Culprit: “ ’Cos ’O' ■ was alwaye tbrowin’. ’er in. me' teeth.” • - . » ~ « * • Tip-top Answer.—A teacher asked if any pupil could give him an ■ example o| “ stabilised industry.” “ Horse racing, sir,” replied the boy*

Waiter in a hurry: Serve the chicken, Bill." Bill; “Right—what’s she want?