Around the World with a Camera

Evening Star, Issue 22086, 20 July 1935, Page 7

Around the World with a Camera

No Opportunity.—Smith: ‘‘What did you say to your wife when you got home at 12 last night? Jones: “My dear.” Smith; “ Why, good heavens, is that all?” Jones: “ Yes. She started talking then.” *,* * * Once Too Often.— A mechanic who worked for a weeklv wage was overpaid ten shillings. The pay clerk discovered the mistake, but, like the workman, said nothing about it. The following Saturday found the workmans wages short ,of 10s. Indignantly he marched back to the -office. Here, he said, “ you’ve made a mistake. My pay is 10s short.” “ When I paid you 10s too much last week,” said the clerk, “ you didn’t say anything about it, did you?” “ Well, that was just one mistake,” replied the mechanic. “ When you make two mistakes I reckon it is time for me to begin to complain.” » * » * For the Defence. —The court was silent, except for the clear-cut tones of defending counsel. Everyone hung on his words, and many thought that he would easily win his case. “ And now, gentlemen of the jury, he began to wind up, “I ask you—where could the prisoner have hidden the watch? Not m his pocket. The constable has already told you that the man was searched. Not in his shoes—the watch was too large. Then where was it hidden'”’ He paused dramatically for effect; during the pause the prisoner ventured: “Please, sir, I put it under my ’at.” « « - * The Next Time.— Driving down Dublin’s main thoroughfare, 0 Connell street (formerly Sackyille stre ®y« ® motorist passed the traffic constable y the bridge on'the wrong side. Derailing him, the policeman asked; Phwat for did ye not go around me? Ihe motorist'said he was very sorry, but he had not noticed the officer was there. “Well now,” the constable warned him, “’just remember next time, Ye are to go around me, whether I m here or not! ” # Fashion Notes.— “ The has his car,” observes the novelist; the married man has his wife. Yes, but a car’s changes of gear don t cost an„ - thing. A famous beauty specialist says that not one woman in 10 can pass a beauty test. As a result, not one woman in 10 can pass,a beauty parlour. We’re Here on Business.—A young barrister paused in the midst of a norinc harangue and said to Lord Llienborough; “Is it the pleasure of the court that I should proceed with my statement? ” Lord Ellenborough replied: “Pleasure. Mr , has been out of the question for a long time; but you "may proceed.” ft * * * Bless You!—“Want to leave me. Mary? I thought you were quite comfortable. What is it for- -someth mg private?” “No, ma’am, its a sergeant,

As It Is Spoken.— ln a city sundae shop the other day, a slick waiter slammed down his tray on the marble counter of the soda fountain and delivered his orders thus: “ One warmed nigger, a trait machine flop, two hen’s somersaults, two native bears, one passionate fizz, three bull’s evening meals, and one fizzed nasty answer.” “ Okay,” said the man behind th® counter, who was NEARLY an AmenAfter we had -got our breath back and collected our wits, hat, ami coat, we asked for a translation* We learnt that the order meant thus : , “One hot chocolate, a lemon drink, and two orange drinks (this combination gets nothing on the fruit machines), two egg flips, two kolas, one passion fruit and soda, three beef teas, and one raspberry with soda. * * * * A Real Friend.—The return of th® circus to town recalls the’story of the Irishman, out of a job, who was taken, on bv a circus as handy man, and told that he would have to play the lion. The show’s king of beasts had died, and rather than lose a mb, the Irishman agreed to dress in tho skin of the dead lion, and sit in a cage with a leg of beef and growl at the children. All went well until he found his cage being wheeled into th© ring during the evening performance. “ Phwat’s the game?” he asked, and was told that part of the lion’s job was to fight the tiger each evening. * Trembling and moaning, he watched the baleful tiger wheeled into th® arena. “ Begorra,” whimpered th® Irishman, “ I wisht I’d niver seen th® place!” Then the tiger leaned towards the bars of his cage, and in a fierce whisper said, “ Shut up ye fool, I m an Irishman mesilf.” * ♦ * * Revised Bridge Rules.— (l) Lead from your own hand or “Dummy.' whichever is most convenient. (2) Never hurry. Try several cards on a. trick until vou are quite sure whiclt one you prefer. This secures the admiration of your friends. If you hurry you’ll make a mistake, and you don’t wish for their sympathy. (3) When you are “ Dummy,” walk round the table and look at the other hands.Tell them what cards are good and hmr manv tricks are good if they play, rightly. (4) Always forget your partner’s lead. He probably played at random, in any case. (5) Always explain your play. * - * • Economy First.—At a dinner in « small Scottish village the guest of honour was an undertaker, and when he rose to reply to his health, he said he greatlv appreciated the kind things which had been said, and as a memento of the occasion he was prepared to give the next person to die in the village a free funeral. He had hardly finished speaking when a shot rang out. One of the diners had committed suicide.