THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22026, 11 May 1935, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

One of Many.—Visitor: Who is that gentleman? Host: Ah, that’s a great man! He’s one of the 10,000 foremost writers of our day. 1

The Risk.—“ Burgling is a pretty risky job,” said a man who was sentenced. “There is always the danger that the lady of the house will mistake him for her husband returning home in the small hours.”

Second Thought.—“ Let me give you a word of advice, old chap,” said Harry at the ball. “It’s not safe to dance with that little blonde Over there. Her husband’s got a title.” The headstrong youth sniffed contemptuously. “Titles don’t mean a thing to me,” he replied, “Oh, don’t they?” replied his friend. “Well, this one’s a boxing title.”

Paid For.—A small boy had been taught always to say grace before meals. One day when he was taken to have a meal at a cafe his mother said, “Now, then David, say your grace, before you begin.”

David hesitated, then, looking up, he replied, “Well, I don’t know about that, mother: you see we are paying for this.”

Slip Of The Tongue.—Boss (inspecting men at work on a building): That man Blake does not get on very well. ■

■Foreman: No, guv’nor. I can’t understand it. I’ve taught him all I, know, and now he doesn’t, seem to be much good.

Perfectly Obvious.—The new 1 maid answered' the telephone, muttered something, and slammed down the receiver, angrily. ! “Who was that?” asked her employer. “I was expecting a business call.”

“That wasn’t it. sir,” said .the .girl. “Just a man saying, ‘lt’s a Jong distance from London.’ I told him we knew.” '

Saving His Lordship —At the close of his talk before a Sunday school the bishop invited questions. A. tiny boy with white, eaffer face at once his hand. “Please, sir,” he said. “why was Adam never a baby?”

The bishop coughed, in doubt as to what answer to give, but a Tittle girl the eldest of several brothers and sisters, came ; nrbmntly to his aid. “Please sir,’’ she answered smartly, “there was nobody to nurse him.” *

Quite True But Smith! How did you get the day off? . Brown: Told the 'boss I was going to see the dentist. • Smith: And are you? Brown:'. Yes—-he’s our centre-foi> ward.

A Friend Indeed.—“My wife’s eloped with my best friend.” “Really Who Is he?” “I haven’t the least idea.” / 46*

Not Fair. —O’Flaherty was paying a visit to New York. On his first night there he was dining out with an American friend when, the latter said:—

“You know, Mr O’Flaherty, there’s a big difference in time between my country and yours. While we are enjoying ourselves now, your folks in Cork are in bed and asleep.”

“And i isn’t that always the way,” exclaimed O’Flaherty indignantly. “Ireland nivver got justice yet!”

Tactless;—The hill was steep and the load heavy. The donkey did its best, but at last it stopped and would not budge another, inch.

The driver saw a man passing. “Excuse me,” he said, “but could you help me to get this load to the top of the hill? It’s, too much for one donkey?”

Cheap Dreams.—A Scots commercial traveller was motoring through a small village, and he decided to stay the night in the local hotel.

“How much for a bed?” he asked. “Five shillings.” “Terrible dear. How much for breakfast?”

“Three shillings.” “Ruination! How much to garage my car?” ' “Garage is free.”

“Ah, weel, just book me garage and breakfast. I’ll sleep in the car.”

And He Fell In.—Prospective Employer: Why did you leave your last place? Chauffeur; My guv’nor and his wife fell out, sir. Prospective Employer: But why leave for that?

Chauffeur: Well, if you must know, sir, they fell out of the car.

Third Visit.—The parish priest had been giving one of his flock a lec-' ture on his failure to attend divine worship.

“Why don’t you attend church?” he asked. t

“Well,” came the reply from the delinquent, who fancied himself as a bit of a wag, “on the two occasions that I have been there my reception was none too good. The first time I went they threw water over me, and the next time they tied me up to a woman for life and threw rice over me.” .

.“Yes,” said the nriest dryly, “and I suppose the next time you go they’ll throw dirt over you.”

Same View.— “ Don’t you miss your husband when he is travelling?” ' “Oh, no, I have a' wonderful scheme; I prop a newspaper up in front of his plate at breakfast—and I often, completely forget that he isn’t there.” The Missing.—“l fear that young man I gave a job to last week is dishonest.” “Oh, you shouldn’t judge by ap-' peafances.” “I’m not; I’m judging by disappearances.” Tfr 4S- ( Surer Than Shot.—Fashionable doctor (out for a day’s grouse shooting) : Never saw such luck. What’s the matter with the birds? < 1 can’t . kill one of them. Host: Write ’em a prescription, doctor. „ ; *, & * Obliging.—it was the old lady’s first ride in a taxi, and she noticed that the cabman repeatedly put' out his hand to warn other traffic of his - intentions, although of course; She was unaware of this. At last she could bear it no longer. “You look at what you’re doing,” she cried, rapping the window. “I will tell you when it begins to rain.” / * * » Tit For Tat.—After an immense N amount of trouble, the vicar of, a country parish succeeded in reconciling two old women who had been quarrelling for some years. He even induced them fo meet under the vicarage roof. ' In his drawing-room they shook' hands. After an embarrassed silence one of them said: “Well, Mrs Tyler, I wish you all you wishes me.” “An’ who’s saying nasty things now?” snapped Mrs Tyler. ■ *. *■ * Another Version.—“ All tickets, ■please!” said the inspector, appear-, ing at the 'door of the carriage. Af- : ter all the other passengers’ tickets had been punched, the old man in the corner continued to go through his pockets one after the other, and to evince every sign of nervousness. “Lost:your ticket?” inquired a fel-low-traveller; then, ' “Why, you’re holding it in your teeth - all the while!” HurHedly ' the inspector punched the ticket and departed. As the train proceeded; “Unfortunate affliction, absence of mind,” said one of the . passengers cheerfully. “Absence of mind be blowed!” said the old man. “I was chewin’ off last week’s date.” •

. Old Wailing Days.—Rector: Good morning, Brown. I hear you have a son and heir.

Brown: Yes, sir. Car household now represents the United Kingdom. Rector: How is that?

. Brown: Why, you see, lam English, my wife’s Irish, the nurse is Scots, and the baby wails!

* 4fr * ; Difficult Test.—lmpromptu games are all the rage now at Hollywood parties. Much 'merry laughter is caused by a memory test in which a star has to place her former husbands in their correct order. ■ • * ; «• *

Static and Dynamic. Roberts carried his radio set into the dealer’s shop and dumped it angrily on the counter.

“I want njy money returned,”- he said. “This Set is a swindle!” “Swindle!” ejaculated the assistant hoarsely. “Blit surely there is only something wrong.” '

“Wrong?” repeated Roberts. “I, should think so. You told me the other day that I should get no outside interference from this radio set. Well, look what’s happened! First of all it starts off both ray neighbours singing. Then their dogs howl half the night, and now a policeman has summoned me for not having a licence. Ain’t that outside interference?”

Tommy’s Faux Pas.—Mother; Did you remeiriber to say “Thank you very much for having me. I’ve enjoyed myself very much”? Tommy: Yes, only I cut it short and said, “Thanks; I’ve been had very nicely.” . - .

With Gravity.—Film Producer: In this scene you’re blown into the air and caught by an aeroplane. ,Film Star: I see. But what if the aeroplane isn’t there? Film Producer: Well, don’t wait; come down. ’

Too Risky.;—The ' confidence-trick man had talked sweetly for some time, arid was gratified to see signs of weakening on the part of his victim.. , •

“As you will now have grasped, friend,” he went on earnestly, “there is no risk whatever, and you will be assured of a very good profit on the money you put in! Just a temporary outlay, bear in mind, and the results are going to amaze you! Not the slightest doubt about it, friend, and, what is more, the scheme is as safe as houses!” .

“What’s that?” suddenly snapped his victim, rising to his feet. The confidence man looked up in surprise.

“I said, friend,” he replied, “that the scheme is as safe as houses, and

“Then it won’t interest me,” growled the bi" doc’sively, making for the door. “I happen to be a house builder I” ", -