THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21820, 8 September 1934, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Well Supplied.—Antique Dealer (to American): Now, sir, if you’ll step this way, I’ve a very fine specimen of a Queen Anne sideboard I would like to show you. American: Say, that queen of yours must have had a big dining-room. This’ll be the eighth sideboard of hers I’ve been shown this week. » * * Kind Returns.—Dorothy: It must be quite four years since I saw you last. I hardly knew you, you have aged so! Doreen: Well, I wouldn’t have known, you either except for that dress. * * » Worried.—A party of spirited pals was returning in the small hours of the morning from a highly successful banquet. They came to a standstill opposite a certain house and a lively discussion ensued. One of the revellers thumped on the door, until a window above was opened and a forbidding woman looked out. “Pardon, are you Mrs Smith?” he asked. “Yes, I am.” “Good!” exclaimed the leader of the party. “Will you be so kind as to come down and pick out Mr Smith? The rest of us want to go home.” * * » Sensible.—Their canoe was drifting idly; the sun shone and the sea was serene. Then the love-sick young man proposed. From the opposite end of the canoe the sweet girl gazed at him calmly. Then she said: “As a matter of common sense, realising that we are in, this canoe on water more than 50ft deep, and if you were going to act as you should act if I accepted you, we would be capsized, I will decline your proposal at this moment, but, George, row to the shore and ask me again.” •» » ' * Inexplicable.—Little Mr Smith had heard a new riddle at the office that day, and he thought it rather good. On his way home he decided to try it on his wife. As soon as he got inside the door he commenced. “Why,” he asked her—“why am I like a mule?” His wife: gave him a withering glance. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I know you are, but I don’t know why.”

Staunch Teetotaller.—A girl who will not heat her curling tongs over a spirit lamp. # » * The Turning Point.—“ Phyllis is a decided blonde, isn’t-she?’* “Yes, I was with her when she decided!” * # » : Restaurant Ribaldry.—“ What is special to-day, waiter?” “What we couldn’t get rid of yesterday, sir.” * * » Storing Up Trouble.—A man of 103 boasts that he has broken every dietetic rule. But he will suffer for it in his old age. * * * Not Necessary.—Voyager: Doesn’t this ship tip a great deal?. Steward: No, sir, not that' I’ve noticed. She leaves that to the passengers, sir. * * * A Bad Beginning.—A very nervous young man called at the house of the Dean. When the butler appeared, he said: “Excuse me, but is the bean dizzy to-night.” •» , * ■» . Good Lasting Ones.—An Aberdonian entered a grocers and asked for a box of test matches. “I. don’t stock them,” said the grocer. “What kind are they?” “The kind that lasts five days!” * * * The Reason.—Mother: When I was young girls never thought of doing the things they do to-day. Daughter: Well, that’s why they didn’t do them! * * » Learnt Better.—“ How is it that you always let your wife have her own way?” , “I tried to stop her once.” * * * Inexpensive.—“l see you have bought a new car. Does it run into much?” “Only a few ditches.” * * * The Reason.—“lt is machine oil in this bottle, ain’t it, mother?” “Of course not, Jimmie—it’s glue.” “Oh! I ’spect that’s why you can’t sew on your machine.” * * * Out Of His Ken.—A Scotsman was approached by an insurance canvasser and asked if he was insured against fire. “Yes,” said the Scot. “Burglary?” “Well, yes.”" “Are you insured against floods?” “Floods,” said the Scot. “How do you start a flood? * * * A First Appearance.—“ Have you ever appeared as a witness before?’’ “Yes, your honour.” “In what suit?” “My blue serge.’

Divided By One.—“l get £3 a week and my wife gets £3 a week, too.” “Gee, doesn’t that make £6?” “No, I get it first and she gets it afterward.” It All Depended.—“ What is the new building you have on the hill there?” asked a visitor of a farmer. “Well,” replied the farmer, “if I find a tenant for it, it’s a bungalow; if I don’t, it’s a barn.” » * » Experience Enough.—Mrs Smith: And so your daughter is about to marry. Do you really feel that she is ready for the battle of life? Mrs Jones:. She should be ready. She’s been in four engagements already. * » * The Wrong Remedy.—“ Look here, Mrs Murphy, why have you been hitting my little Bobby?” “I only hit him because he was rude and called me a fat old woman.” “But, good gracious, Mrs Murphy, you ought to know better than that. Hitting my son won’t do you any good; you’ll have to start dieting!” * * * Meaningful.—Serious differences arose in a dice game in the Far West of the United States. The dispute had to do with the ownership of a five-dollar bill. For possession of it there were two claimants, a local negro and a ■ truculent-looking stranger. The argument reached a critical stage. The visitor’s right hand stole slowly toward his hip pocket. “Nigger,” he inquired softly of his enemy, “what date is dis?” • “I ain’t paying no heed to dates,” said the other. “Well, you’d bette’* do so,” said the stranger, “’cause _.st 12 months from .to-day, you’ll a’ been daid exactly one yeah.” •» * * And Quite Right.—The two tramps were. trudging wearily along the rough country road. Presently Dusty allowed his imagination- to wander. “I say, Fred,” he said to his companion, “if you had 10/- in your pocket, what would you think?” Fred allowed his hands to stray into his trousers pockets. “H’m,” he sniffed, bringing them out empty. “I’d think I had somebody else’s clothes on.”

The Right Direction. —He: All men have a soft spot somewhere. She: That’s why women throw themselves at their heads. * * * A Friend?—Actress; My photo was in all the papers last week, dear. Friend: How much reward did they offer, darling? » «• * His Mistake.—Mabel; So you and Jim are to be married? Why I thought it was only a mere flirtation.” Helen: So did Jim. * # # Quite Natural.—Constable: Here, I’ve caught you stealing a car. Thief: It was standing in front of this cemetery, and I thought the owner was dead. .* * * And Rightly So.—“ Why don’t you get even with him?” was asked of a youth whose schoolmate was in the habit of hectoring him. The reply was, “I never cross the tease for fear he might dot my eyes.” * * * Encouraging.—Owner: I’m going to call my new horse “Bad News.” Jockey: Funny! Whatever for? “They say bad news travels fast.” » * * Better Still.—Bishop (holding forth); Yes, indeed. Yes, there is no better place for a child to learn than at his mother’s knee—” Host (somewhat bored): What about across his father’s? * * « An Improvement?—“lv’e changed my mind.” “That’s good. Does it work any better?” * * * Dangerous.—“ What are you doing?" asked the convict of the reporter, who was writing an account of the prison buildings. “Only taking a few notes.” “Take care, sir! That’s what brought me here.” * * * _ Correct.—Teacher: Name a collective noun. Scholar: Ash can. * * * Riposte.—“ Have you ever had a ride in my car?” . “Yes, I once had the pleasure.” ‘Then it couldn’t have been in mine.” * * * Reborn. Two gentlemen were dining at a restaurant. The lamb that they had ordered was particularly tough. Jones called the waiter. “What is this meat you have given us?” “Lamb, sir.” “You are ouitc sure it’s lamb, and not mutton?” “Oh, certainly, sir.” “H’m. A case of second childhood, probably,