THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21718, 12 May 1934, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Economical.—“ Before I engage you,” said the mistress to the applicant she was interviewing, “I must be assured that you are economical, as I hate waste.” “Why, mum, that’s the very reason my last mistress dismissed me,” was the reply. “For being economical?” “Yes, mum; I made her dresses do for me as well as her!” ■, * ■» * Misunderstood.—Mrs Jones, who had a bad cough, was spending a day in bed. Her husband was in the garden hammering nails in wood. Presently his neighbour looked over the fence. “How’s your wife?” he asked. “Not well,” Jones told him. “Is that her coughin’?” “No, you fathead, it’s a new henhouse.” » * * Personal.—Office Boy (to manager) : You’re wanted on the ’phone, sir. Manager: Who is it? Boy; Your wife, sir. Manager What does she want? Boy I don’t know, sir; I only heard the word “idiot.” Manager: Give me the ’phone, boy. Don’t you realise that- she wants to speak to me personally? * * Recommendation.—“ You go into a tobacconist’s shop,” bawled the anti-tobacco crank, “you place 6d on the counter, you get a packet of cigarettes—and you get more.. For in the wake of those cigarettes come beer, whisky, brandy, and—” “Lumme!” interrupted one of his audience, “who’s your tobacconist, guvnor?” * * * Roles Exchanged—Just before the big banquet began a young man with a monacle and a drawl said to another man standing near: Beastly nuisance, isn’t it? I spoke to that chappy over there—took him for a gentleman, somebody of importance. Then I found that he had a ribbon in his coat. I suppose he’s the confounded head-waiter or something. “Oh, no!” replied the other. “That is the guest of the evening.” “Really?” drawled the young man, taken aback. “Look here, old chap, would you mind sitting next to me at dinner and telling, me who is who?” The man shook his head. “Can’t, sir, I’m sorry,” he replied, “you see, I’m the confounded headwaiter.”

Head master: Now we will have a little performance with the cane. Boy (who has stuffed books in the seat of his trousers in readiness): All right, sir; I’ve booked my seat! ■* * * Empty.—“l’m afraid I can’t help you,” said the benevolent old lady to the tramp. “Your story has such a hollow ring.” “Ah, loidy,” replied the tramp, “that’s the natural consekence of speaking on an empty stummick." * * * The teacher warned her scholars never to ■ kiss animals or ‘ birds. “Can you give me an instance of the danger of this?” she asked. “Yes, teacher,” replied a boy. “My auntie used to kiss her lap-dog.” “What happened?” “It died.” # * * Not So Rough.—Small Sister: Let’s play that we’re married, Small Brother; No—let’s play football, and then we won’t get bunged up so much. * * * Caution.—Beggs: My wife says that if I were to die she would remain a widow. Meggs; Evidently she thinks there is not another man in the world like you. “On the contrary, she’s afraid there may be, and that she’d get him.” # # A Bout Of It. —“You tell me,” said the magistrate, “that this is the man who knocked you down with his motor-car. Can you swear to him?” “I did,” returned the complainant eagerly, “but he swore-back at me and drove on.” * * * Real Cleverness. —“My son,” said the father, “take that jug and fetch me some beer.” “Give me the money, then, father.” “My son, to get beer with money, anybody can do that, but to get beer without money, that’s clever.” .. So the boy takes the jug, and out he goes. Shortly he returns, and places the jug before his father. “Drink,” said the son. “How can I drink,” says the father, “when there is no beer in the jug?” “To drink beer out of a jug,” says the' boy, “where there is beer, anybody. can do that; but to drink beer out of a jug where there is no beer, that’s clever.”

Natural Mistake.—She was a big strong woman, and the burglar she tackled and captured bore unmistakable signs of punishment. “It was very plucky of ypu, madam,” said the magistrate, “to have set upon the burglar and captured him, but need you have blackened his eyes and knocked all his front teeth out?” “Well,” said the woman,” how was I to know it was a burglar? I’d been up three hours waiting for my husband; I thought it was him!” Imitation.—Wife: Why it is that we can never save money? ' Husband: Chiefly because the neighbours keep doing things we can’t afford. * * * Not Well Enough.—“ That’s a nice piece of fish, nja’am,” said the salesman persuasively, “Best ’ome cured!” The thin-lipped female sniffed contemptuously. “Is it, hindeed?” she said. “Then just take it away and give me once that- ain’t been ill.” ' * * * Too Much.—An old lady had a treasured pet—a chameleon. Returning from a country visit, she could not see her chameleon, and rang for her footman. “Robert, where is Adolphus?” “I’m sorry, m’lady, very sorry, but it’s dead!”' “Dead! Good gracious, Robert, how did it happen?” “Well, you see, we put it on a blue cushion, and it turned blue; then we put it on a yellow cushion,, and it turned yellow.” “That is quite natural.” “Then we put it on a Scotch plaid cushion—and then it burst itself.” ' * * * Not Exciting Enough.—An elderly man, worried about himself, went to see his doctor, who listened to his symptoms and smiled. “My dear man,” he said, “this little habit of talking to yourself isn’t anything to worry about”. “Isn’t it?” said the patient warmly. “You don’t know what a darned old bore I am!” ' * ■* * Two women who had been to school together met after many years. “Are you married yet?” asked one. The other looked sad and thoughtful. “Not yet,”, she replied, “but I had an ideal once.” . Her friend looked sympathetic. M I suppose your ideal was shattered?” she asked. “No; only broke”

Indelicate.—An old man, beadle and gravedigger in a parish church, was asked by his minister if he had called upon a certain rich lady, long an invalid, to see how she was. “Na, na, sir,” was the reply. “Div ye think I’m,a fule? It would be a rather indelicate thing for me, seeing as I’m the gravedigger, to ask about the health o’ onybody that wasna weel!” * * * A kindly cottager took pity on the half-starved tramp and gave him a good square meal, “Yousaid you were too weak from starvation to work when you first came here,” she said. “Surely after the good dinner I’ve given you you feel equal to doing something in return.” The well satisfied tramp leaned back in his chair and sighed happily. “Madam,” he said, “your dinner has done me so much good that I feel more than equal to work; I feel superior to it.” * # “Good morning, Tim. You look bad. Anything the matter?” Tim: Yes, I bin bad. I washed my feet last night, but never no more! * * * A case was before the sheriff, and the opposing legal agents were having a wordy disputation. “I am willing to split hairs with my learned opponent all day if he insists on it,” said one of them. “Split that, then!” exclaimed his opponent irascibly, pulling a hair from his head. “May it please the court,”- was the calm reply, “I did not say bristles!” & 4r Phyllis: When George and I are married we are going to have five servants. Priscilla; You’ll probably have 25, my dear, but not all at once. « * * 4f The young man had been kept waiting, and he was very annoyed. “Sir,” he said, when at last he was shown into the chief’s room, “I don’t think you realise who I am. My father is an earl.” “Indeed, sir!” was the rcpliy. “Kindly take a chair.” “And .my father-in-law is a duke,” continued the very important young man. “Please take two chjaifs,” said the chief.